it is likely she would not have called her. She would have called her helpful friend first.
Within the context of imagination we can be as creative as we have the capacity for—finding absurd, humorous, outlandish, conservative, ridiculous, and traditional solutions. We can try out how these responses will or will not help, and we can even imagine letting go of any attachments to outcome, giving ourselves the inner freedom to show up at the dialogue table with tremendous inner conviction and ability to listen to other parties.
Use your imagination and see the process through. Become aware of the pitfalls and strong emotions and see yourself ordering and mastering the sequences of the interaction.
Are you up against a stressful talk with your husband or partner and worried sick about how it might go?
Are you planning a big event for work or a wedding for a family member?
Do you want to ask for a promotion and a raise?
Is it time for a serious talk about drugs or sex with your teenager?
Do you need to fight for a cause, personal or civic?
Are you faced with a medical issue and need to be assertive with the doctors or insurance?
You can have a say in how you respond to life's challenges, and your imagination can be one of your best allies. Imagine healthy communication, imagine intimate conversations, imagine navigating angry disagreements, imagine a series of hard compromises, imagine staying calm during stormy fights, imagine a loved one misunderstanding you and being able to try again, imagine being open and vulnerable when it is hard and frightening. And when it doesn't work out and there is a real mess, imagine learning after the fact and imagine how differently you would respond the next time the same thing or something similar presented itself.
choosing wisely
As you work on strengthening your connections with others and developing your communication skills, I ask you to consider the following pointers:
I imagine this type of straightforward, nonreactive communication as a martial art. In the arts when someone comes at you, the form is to let the energy be absorbed or moved aside. The other person is then left with their own energy source, not able to get caught up in your reaction or fight, and assuming it is because of you that they are behaving in such and such a manner.
As your connections deepen, keeping the following points in mind will further facilitate the martial arts of communication.
Know how others perceive you. A psychologist expert in group therapy once trained me to lead groups. He is very tall, large, with a full head of white hair and a full white beard. He had long ago figured out what projections he received whenever he walked into a room, especially when he was doing the training. He knew he would be seen as the all-knowing father figure, or the authority who dictated all things, or the omnipotent and all-caring protector. He knew he would be seen this way even if he didn't carry any of these attitudes or traits within or didn't agree with these perceptions, and this knowing gave him the chance to voice these projections and deflate many unconscious assumptions. On the other hand, I worked with a woman who did not know how others saw her and continually misinterpreted their behavior toward her. She is a strong and very efficient woman who walks down the street in a bold fashion. She manages to hold down a prestigious position in a law firm while raising three children. She had often found other women to be unfriendly and had her feelings hurt when she assumed they did not like her. A good friend took her aside and informed her that others saw her as unavailable because she was so busy and conceited because she accomplished so much. She knew she was friendly and accessible; now she needed to understand the misperception so she could reach out.
Listen well. Good listening is an art form and cannot be underestimated. Listen without interruption, listen with intended focus, and listen without forming a response in your mind. Listen to the sounds and meaning being offered. Listen to your own inner being, listen very carefully to those people near and dear to you, and especially listen well to those who are not on your side. Listen to the world you inhabit, keep open to nature and the rhythms of the universe.
Hear what is being said and hear what is being implied. Be open to what is being said, sung, screamed, smiled, moaned, and cried.
If you are not being listened to, demonstrate an inner conviction by sustaining your point of view in a heartfelt and nondefensive manner; be secure enough in your position to be open and sensitive to the other's needs and concerns.
Know when to retreat and replenish. In the Buddhist traditions of Southeast Asia there are twenty-one different words for silence: the silence between thoughts, the silence of a concentrated mind, and the silence of awareness. In this fast-paced world of ours, give yourself time for contemplating, a quiet time, an inner time. Communicate with silence, with your inner world. Take time to listen to the sounds of nature; have time go slowly and involve you with mundane tasks and empty space to allow the deeper heart to come to light.
Know when to hide away, when you are feeling overly sensitive or vulnerable and any comment or interchange will sting.
Learn, practice, and master genuine interest in others and the world around you. Ask people about their dreams, their successes, and their families. Be open to another point of view; find what you can learn from it. Listen carefully when someone is unhappy with you or your behavior; distinguish if the person is for you and allow yourself to be communicated with.
And remember this: In the final analysis, no matter how well you communicate, there are no guarantees. No matter how well you do, others will still disappoint, disagree, refuse, and possibly get angry. That's why it's so important to practice letting go, detaching from the outcome without blaming yourself or the other person. Remember you did your best, and with genuine detachment you can begin to imagine alternatives. And with alternatives you are practicing resiliency.
Communication:
