the real from the self-destructive.
Who do you go to for truth telling? Who can you count on to tell you the way it is, even risk upsetting you? Who do you trust enough to tell you the hidden truth that you would benefit from knowing and doing something about? Who do you call at 3 A.M.?
You just received a raise and new title. You are going to have a new baby or grandbaby. You just made a financial killing or your company went public. You are in love (and with the right person).
Who do you call in the afternoon when you are feeling so much excitement and joy you are sure you are going to burst? Who do you call to share your pleasure and accomplishments?
Who are your friends? Who is your support? Do you have a very best friend, an important confidante? Do you have a circle of friends, a web of acquaintances?
Strengthening these connections and opening ourselves to honest communication—these are the subjects of this chapter.
Some women—Oprah Winfrey and Anna Quindlen are a notable two—have best friends they speak with at least once a day. They keep an exchange going—keep the channels wide open for check in, banter, intimacy, and comfort. Some days it might be a quick hello, “I'm here, how are you?” Other days there might be time and need for a long chat or an intimate soul talk. But these women value each other deeply, know each other fundamentally, and can be there for each other in a split second's request—and at a level that can leave each shaking with the recognition of sacred meeting. They can say anything to each other and ultimately feel better for it. They can listen deeply and communicate love without saying a word.
We cannot become resilient in isolation. Not even introverts, recluses, and the deeply pained and shamed. We are social creatures, and we need to know where to go to connect and refuel. We need to have a community of at least a few people, animals, or nature who will always be there for us, no matter what.
Children who have recovered from severe trauma will often tell poignant and heartwarming stories of finding a receptive teacher, neighbor, or adult friend who, with a look, glance, respectful touch, or open arms, kept them alive, kept their spirits alive. One young woman, severely wounded from years and years of unrelenting torture at the hands of her parents, told me the story of making contact with a kind elderly neighbor who looked into the child's eyes and told her it would not always be that bad. The young woman said that this single gesture not only offered hope but assured her that she was not crazy or overreacting.
“Someone else was aware that there was something seriously wrong.” The young woman felt validated and strengthened. She credits this warmth of human contact with keeping her this side of insanity.
Other at-risk children, showing an instinct for connection, find creative ways to find support from kind adults. Shy, introverted children look to characters in books, images in mythology, or the quiet den of an introverted adult. The more outgoing spread their wings to meet generous souls in their extended world. However they manage it, these naturally resilient young people make sure to find a connection—a positive connection—because they know that they need other people who can mirror something positive back to them.
If we are lucky, there are several people who fill this role in our lives, and we choose to whom to go for support based on the kinds of issues we're dealing with. One client told me:
If I need a really good cry, I'll go to a friend who understands and is comfortable with emotions. She won't try to fix me and she is not afraid of strong feelings. If it's about relationships or finances or some catastrophe, I'll choose my friend who is best at those issues. Someone who has been there and knows the terrain and/or who knows me well enough to tell me the truth. Overall, though, I go to someone who will be honest with me.
Not only does this give us the best chance of receiving the kind of support we need, but it also preserves the quality of our relationships. No one person can be there for us all the time. That's too heavy a burden to place on any relationship. Too much energy coursing through a circuit will finally blow. Instead, the idea here is to spread the wealth, to have a circle of partners, friends, family members, mentors, people who've known you the longest and aren't afraid of your “shadow” material, colleagues for work-related issues, perhaps a therapist or spiritual advisor.
choosing who to turn to—and who not to
San Francisco Chronicle columnist Joan Ryan wrote a wonderful column about who to call when we're in need, in which she talked about a woman named Janie who reached out to a needed friend during an excruciating and dark time:
the night she fully understood her son would not recover from his severe illness. She was crying into the phone…when [her] friend asked if she could call her back. Janie, taken aback, said fine, and waited and waited for the phone to ring. Suddenly, headlights appeared in her driveway, and her friend emerged from the car in her nightgown. “I'll remember that for as long as I live,” Janie says now.
Friends have an inside track and often know just what we need: a young woman with whom I worked, going through an agonizing breakup with the man she had intended to marry, knew she had to talk and cry with her best friend. But she was bowled over with appreciation when this best friend, living on the opposite coast, flew out for the weekend, and regaled her with stories of hilarious revenge. “Let's collect mosquitoes and let them loose in his house!” “Let's order twenty-five pizzas to be delivered COD to his house.” They spent the weekend together going for long walks, crying and laughing together. When her friend left, the young woman knew she was loved and carried that with her as she felt the awful pangs of grieving.
On the other side of the coin are the grievous disappointments, the times we expect someone to come through for us and they don't. I remember working with a young woman whose husband had struck her across the face and, desperately needing comfort, she had called her mother, who lived 4,000 miles away. She was devastated when her mother said, “Oh, Tina, what did you do to get him so mad?”
Tina had been savagely beaten by both parents as a child and had lain shivering as she watched her father beat her mother dozens of times. She herself had gone through years of abusive relationships before marrying her husband, a passionate man who was devoted to Tina and their children. The marriage had lasted many years, but it was always tumultuous, fighting and making up, arguing and settling things. That particular night, however, her husband had lost control and hit her across the cheek. Tina was beside herself and without much thought reached out for her mother.
In a more calm and rational time, Tina would have known not to call her mother, but in an unguarded moment, and quite desperate for support, she forgot what she knew. Now feeling doubly humiliated, she showed tremendous courage by picking up the phone again and calling the friend who could and did help.
As you think about who you would want in your support circle, it's important to consider people's various strengths and limitations. Often we can intuit who will really be there for us and under what circumstances, but sometimes we find out the hard way. I think of Lydia. She is someone who sees the world through her emotions, and each time she turns to her friend Kathy for support she feels worse than before. Kathy sees the world through her intellect and believes Lydia is too sensitive to her emotions, a belief that is often revealed in the way she responds to Lydia's many crises. Understand, there is nothing wrong with either style, but if Lydia needs a “warm fit,” Kathy is probably not her best choice!
We need to find people who can really understand where we're coming from. If we've experienced something extremely painful, say we've lost a child or a parent or we've been battered, it can be lonely and disorienting to talk with someone whose only real experience with pain is rude drivers or loudmouthed bosses. Helpful and healthy communication requires a “good fit.”
