pain and sorrow. Because until we are ready to let go—of what is no longer working, of people who stand in our way, of our familiar defenses—we will never grow.
In a society that believes we must be strong and positive, where we shun our negative and vulnerable feelings, carrying our burden of self-doubt with dignity is a socially significant statement. In our world, where we find it hard to experience pain or to realize that we feel small in certain ways, we can set a rare example by continuing to walk erect and by carrying our woundedness with consciousness and dignity.
Collectively it is time to validate, honor, respect, and make room for falling apart, admitting vulnerability. It is time to bring reasonable and appropriate falling apart into fashion. It is a long process, and we can find and learn our own rhythms, our own ebbs and flows as we have patience and compassion with ourselves. To be a student of life is to be vulnerable—open to life, to learning, to experiences, to you, to emotions—and willing to accept things as they are.
Everyday life is full of struggles, and we have daily opportunities for descent: experiencing arguments and conflicts, admitting discomforts, anger, and fear. Sometimes we are faced with major problems and challenges, and many times we are just faced with bad traffic, holes in our pantyhose, and not being able to get adequate attention at the bank, store, gas station, fill-in-the-blank. In fact, as we often hear, it can be easier to deal with the really big stuff; it is the everyday annoyances and irritants that begin to wear and can cause an emotional meltdown.
We often thirst for intimacy and spend much of our time running at top speed. We go on a job interview; we need to learn a new job, task, or challenge. We lose money on bad investments. We meet and lose friends and partners. We desire to start our own company and risk failure. We have more than enough chance to feel vulnerable and out of sorts on an everyday basis. Here, too, it is important to recognize and admit our vulnerability so that we might deal with it in a straightforward manner.
Being successful at facing our vulnerabilities—our failures, our missteps, our lack of control over events and other people—is an art form. It is an art form to apologize, to let go of what is not working, and to face change with an open heart and mind. It takes courage and dedication to face ourselves and seek out deeper truths about ourselves.
What do you imagine when you hear the word vulnerability? The soft spot on a newborn's head, the fuzz on a peach, the sensitive and tender skin of the genitals, the underbelly of a newborn kitten or puppy? The scariness of being unguarded? The unpleasant feeling of weakness? How often have you had a dream of being naked in a public place? Of being ashamed of the most delicate parts of your personality?
When you hear yourself bitterly referring to the unfair difference between your lot in life and your friends' or that of other members of society, try to hear the deeper truth of jealousy or sadness or disillusionment. When you find yourself stamping your feet in frustration because you are not getting the kind of help you want from a loved one, sit a moment and recognize your desire to be rescued or taken care of. Without judgment, try to experience the softer, tenderer underbelly of your psyche.
The frontier is visible. The stories abound. The stage is set for acknowledging, welcoming, and inviting our vulnerability to the dinner table.
exercise
REFLECTION
As you consider the following questions, there are a few effective tools you can use to help you connect with your answers. You can write in a journal to free associate and explore your thoughts, feelings, and experiences; create pieces of artwork to investigate the ideas through images, colors, and correlations; and/or simply use your imagination to access associations, pictures, feelings, dreams, hopes, and fears.
Remember the last time you were criticized (by someone well intended):
Remember the last time you did not get what you wanted:
Remember the last time you, metaphorically, were naked out in public:
who do you call at 3 a.m.? 2
I WILL PRACTICE AND INCREASE MY ABILITY TO CONNECT
A friend is one to whom one may pour out allthe contents of one's heart, knowing that the gentlestof hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keepingand with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.
—ARABIAN PROVERB
CYNTHIA AND SUSAN were best friends, but recently Cynthia had begun noticing how often Susan spoke harshly and sometimes cruelly to her husband. This made Cynthia uncomfortable. She decided to bring it up with Susan. She approached the subject gently, suggesting that Susan's behavior was probably unconscious. After all, she knew Susan to be a sensitive and caring person.
Being confronted like this gave Susan the opportunity to soul search and look for a deeper feeling that might have been causing her to act out in this way Was there something in her marriage that was troubling her? Was she carrying over something from some other relationship and taking it out on a safer person? Was this a residue from childhood? Whatever the source and reason, Cynthia's willingness to speak the truth about something unpleasant gave Susan the opportunity to deepen herself and her marriage.
We all need people in our lives with whom we can tell our truths and wrestle with our demons—and to be available to them for the same.
You are inconsolable over losing someone you love, and the darkness of the hour is hounding you. You need a confidante, a best friend who has been around as long as well-worn bedroom slippers. You need the partner, lover, spouse sleeping next to you to wake up.
You have been fired unexpectedly, and you're ganging up on yourself, your self-worth plummeting southward. You need someone to talk to and express your feelings and experience as well as receive support, understanding, and help. Someone to walk along with you during the crisis or struggle so the trauma is not compounded by
