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Invite your child or teen to sketch out a plan that addresses how he would like to approach a situation differently next time (see fig. 3.5). Drawings can include a series of steps, like a storyboard, or be a singular drawing. They can be simple. If your child can only scribble or make basic shapes, ask him to describe the plan. You can write his words on the picture for him. A plan might represent an intention such as “I will ask for help when my sister hurts my feelings” or a series of specific steps such as “I will do two pages of homework at the dining room table. I will take a fifteen-minute break. Then I will do the next two pages of homework.” Help your child frame language in the positive (that is, what he will do instead of what he won’t do). Ask your child how you might be a part of the plan. Your child may wish to add a drawing that depicts your part in the plan, or your part may simply be to remind him of the plan by referring to the drawing at relevant times. Once the plan is drawn, with any accompanying words or explanations added, find a special place for it. He may wish to hang it up or store it in a special folder. You can bring it out and refer to it as needed.
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3.5 Sketch out a plan
By using creative approaches to conflicts, you are making a long-term investment. Naturally, at times we get tired and fed up. You may say to yourself, “But I don’t want to have to bring out paper and a pen . . . I just want my kids to do what I tell them to do.” I’m certain that some days our kids say something similar to themselves, “I wish my parents would just do what I tell them to do!” The creative arts offer valuable tools not only for solving conflicts but also for helping us feel generally less fed up. While it may seem more time-consuming and laborious in the moment, using art to reconnect, problem-solve, and plan ahead may ultimately lessen the frequency, intensity, and duration of conflicts.
TIME TO BRUSH TEETH, DOO WOP, DOO WOP
My daughter says it best when it’s time to stop reading books and move on to brushing teeth: “But it’s booooorrrring!” I consider explaining that while it is boring, it is important for preventing cavities. I consider reminding her that the dentist says she has to brush. Instead, I opt for “Yes, it is boring, but we can make it more fun.” Then I belt out, “Brush your teeth, brush your teeth” to the tune of her favorite song, “Let it Go,” from the movie Frozen. While she protests me ruining her favorite song, she also giggles and opens her mouth.
Brushing teeth, getting dressed, coming to the dinner table, getting into the car, getting out of the car, sitting down to start homework—all of these tasks have one thing in common (that is, one thing other than their ability to start a minor war). They all involve a transition. If you think about it, many of the daily conflicts that happen with kids occur when they are asked to transition from one activity to another (particularly if they are being asked to shift gears from something that they like doing to something that isn’t as fun or interesting). It’s a common problem even for kids who tend to be more flexible.
There are plenty of well-known parenting tips on how to talk to your kids in order to make transitions easier. You are probably familiar with some of them: “In five minutes it’ll be time to . . .” or “After dinner you will have more time to . . .” However, chances are that you will find yourself repeating these phrases ad nauseam or cajoling, if not resorting to threats or bribes. Verbal cues can be helpful. Let’s not get rid of them. But let’s see what happens if you add some arts-based strategies, too.
Larry, an attendee at one of our recent workshops, shares a successful innovative parenting moment:
Larry oversees his three children, ages nine, seven, and five, setting the table for dinner. They bicker. It escalates. Meanwhile, the table is not getting set. The children are tired and “hangry” (hungry and angry). Although not generally artsy and never having before used a creative arts strategy to manage behavior, he takes a deep breath and initiates a rhythm by clapping to the syllables of “Pass the popcorn. Gimme some more.” The children join in, smiling, and laughing. Moods are elevated. Table is set. Problem over.
There’s a reason why teachers and kids sing cleanup and goodbye songs in preschool. They work. Using music, rhythm, movement, or visual cues to help kids move from one activity to another decreases behavioral issues during these times (Hemmeter et al. 2008). For starters, they capture attention; children will tune in to music more than to the sound of voices uttering repeated requests. Secondly, songs, movement, and visuals are fun. Transitioning from one activity to another is disruptive. It can be boring. Using creative tools when shifting gears can spice things up and keep kids engaged not only during the transition but also during the next, less preferred activity. What’s more, the arts add an element of routine and ritual to transition times. Singing the same song when it’s time for a certain activity, for example, makes the change predictable and less anxiety provoking.
Based on frequency of occurrence, think about daily transition moments that can be difficult for your child. Choose one or two to keep in mind as you read the creative arts ideas that follow. Consider how some of these ideas might apply to your situation or how you might adapt them to meet the needs of your unique child. Be creative. Invite your child to come up with ideas, too. But beware. You might end up getting requests for a “brush your teeth” rendition of your child’s favorite song every night. It may verge on unbearable, but you’ll likely agree that it’s preferable to a standoff at the bathroom sink.
Get attention with music:
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