over it! It looked so pretty. Why did you ruin it?” The child replies, “I don’t know.” But she does.
Let’s rewind and redo.
A child is drawing happily when she suddenly begins to scribble over her drawing. The grown-up calmly notes, “Wow. I see a lot going on with that drawing. I wonder if you can tell me about it.” The child takes a deep breath and begins talking animatedly, “Well, there was a mermaid and a dolphin and they were swimming in the ocean and then this giant wave came splashing over them and they were riding in the wave and . . .”
She hasn’t destroyed the drawing. She is bringing it to life.
Certainly, there will be times when your child will scribble, scrunch, or rip when upset or frustrated. And yet other times what looks like destruction isn’t destruction at all. Young children will “scribble” over their drawings because they are doing their version of coloring it in. Slightly older children will scribble over their drawings or smoosh a sculpture as part of a story they’ve created in their imagination, as in the example above. At other times, a child may simply be inspired to change directions midstream. So, how do we know the difference?
Ask.
Rather than assuming something is wrong when scribbles and smooshes strike, approach your child with curiosity (see fig. 2.7):
1. Look for nonverbal clues—Your child may appear energized or animated, but does he look angry or frustrated?
2. Make nonjudgmental observations—“You’re ruining your beautiful art” is not an observation. It is a judgment about the art (it’s beautiful) and what you see happening to it (it’s getting ruined). An observation is a neutral description of what you actually observe: “I see you covering the whole page with red paint” or “I see you ripping up your paper.” Judgmental statements tend to stifle creativity, self-expression, and communication, while provoking resistance (“But I want to scribble on my art”) or resentment (“They don’t get it”). (For more about making nonjudgmental observations and preventing resistance, turn to appendix 1: “Guidelines for Talking about Art and Life” and chapter 4: “Connect First.”)
3. Invite more discussion—“I wonder what made you decide to do that?” or simply “I wonder if you can tell me about that?” are open-ended ways to encourage your child to share more about her intention. “I wonder” invites dialogue in a nonthreatening way, as it suggests that conclusions have not been reached.
2.7 Remove judgment and approach with curiosity
Guns, bombs, and other pictures we can’t stand
I cautiously enter my son’s room. I have just gotten frustrated with him and he with me. He doesn’t look up. I notice he is drawing a picture of a figure holding a gun. I begin to talk to him about what just transpired. I’m not sure if he’s listening. His only response is, “Uh huh. Uh huh.” He draws another figure—the target of a bullet flying out of the gun. I know he’s angry with me. I pause but continue. I acknowledge his anger and admit that I could have handled the situation better. He says nothing, but gives the targeted figure a hefty shield. I explain the reason for my frustration and tell him I love him. He adds a spaceship with two smiling figures inside. I ask him about his drawing. He says that he is fighting a bad guy, and then we escape together. He says he is sorry for what happened.
A lot of concern about angry, violent, and aggressive imagery comes from our fear of real violence. Although the National Center for Education Statistics reveals that school violence has actually decreased since the early 1990s (Musu-Gillette et al. 2018), tragic incidents like the 2012 shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School, where twenty children and six adults were killed, and the 2018 shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida, where fourteen students and three adults were killed, raise very real concerns. Adults are quick to respond to violent imagery and words with discouraging statements like “That’s not nice” or “That’s not appropriate.” In some cases, children have been suspended from school or parents have been punished over the drawing of a gun. The American Psychological Association Zero Tolerance Task Force (2008) found that such punishment typically associated with “zero tolerance” policies is ineffective at reducing actual incidence of misbehavior, yet we misguidedly continue to respond nonconstructively to aggressive art in the hope of deterring actual threat.
Destructive or aggressive art often represents a healthy expression of children’s feelings and may even prevent the likelihood of actual violence. A music therapist might invite a child to write lyrics that express angry feelings. An art therapist might encourage a teen to express his upset toward someone in imagery as a substitute for bottling it up or acting on those feelings. One teen I worked with spontaneously drew futuristic spaceships firing guns. Seeing this as an opening to communicate about his emotional world, I asked him at whom the ships were firing. He responded by adding a math book and a dismembered math teacher floating in space. Far from an actual threat, his drawing was an expression of frustration toward the academic subject. By showing curiosity in his drawing and permitting the spontaneous violent imagery to emerge, I created an opportunity for a heartfelt conversation about his struggles.
While aggressive art can communicate something that is bothering a child, at other times it signifies a normal developmental curiosity about power, good guys versus bad guys, or exposure to weapons through media. When my young son bites his pancake into the shape of a gun, he’s not necessarily angry. When my daughter draws herself with a magical sword, she isn’t necessarily expressing violent inclinations. At times they are simply fascinated, like many kids their age, by themes of conflict and power. Through make-believe games and art they are able to explore these ideas safely, at least in contexts where permitted.
But how can we be sure that violent imagery isn’t a threat? How do we know whether it’s an expression of anger or merely repetition of something seen? Here are some points to consider:
• Understand the context—Are you aware of something having happened recently to upset your child? In the example above, my son and I had just had a conflict. This helped me understand his drawing of one person shooting another as expressing feelings about this event. Did he recently come across something that introduced a new idea? When my child started school, peers introduced him to themes from television shows that he hadn’t previously seen. When he started drawing ninjas, I knew that it was due to this influence. Have there been behaviors of concern or changes in your child’s demeanor lately? Aggressive art along with concerning changes in behavior or mood could suggest underlying emotional turmoil. Explore this further using some of the tips below or seek help in understanding what’s going on.
• Look for nonverbal cues—Consider your child’s body language and facial expression. Notice her demeanor while she is drawing, when she shows art to you, and when she talks about it. These will give you clues about her emotional state.
• Ask open-ended questions—“I wonder if you can tell me about this?” and “I wonder what’s going on here?” are good conversation starters. You can also encourage your child to tell a story about his art by saying, “I wonder what’s going to happen next?” or asking questions like, “I wonder what are they shooting at each other?” Your child’s answer can help you get a better sense of his intentions. If your child responds with, “They are shooting chocolate at each other,” it’s probable that he is being playful. If he answers, “This guy is shooting
