have to practice impulse control, persistence, collaboration, focus, and breaking down large tasks into manageable parts—to name a few—the more connected, happier, and successful they will be.
2.3 Balance containment and self-expression
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Experiment with how different materials feel not only to the touch but also in terms of sensations, impulses, or thoughts that they provoke in mind and body. Set out a variety of materials, both structured and unstructured. Try each one out with your children in turn. What thoughts and feelings, if any, do they evoke? Do you or your children feel challenged by any of the materials? Loosened up? Contained? Which materials do you dislike? Why? Of what do they remind you? If you are doing this experiment with younger children, ask which they like best and least. Which are easy or hard to work with? Which make them feel messy, silly, happy, or frustrated?
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We can use information generated from this exercise to inform what materials to use with our children to loosen them up or rein them in. What’s more, the exercise itself helps children begin to pay attention to the impact of different experiences on how they feel and respond, as well as how they can shift their feeling state by changing sensory input.
MESSY, LOUD, AND OFF-KEY
“Da Da Da da-da Da da-da Da,” My son starts singing the Darth Vader theme from Star Wars. After a few bars, my daughter starts in with her favorite princess song. My son gets louder. My daughter tries to outdo him. They’re enjoying themselves as they sing over each other, louder and louder. My nerves are shot. We’re in the car. I’m driving. The cacophony is compelling me to shout: “Stop!” I resist. They’re not doing anything wrong, per se. I want to want to let them carry on, but I’m tired and want them to cease.
Kids are told “No” a lot during the day, which is why it’s important to use creative moments to say “Yes” as much as possible. Encouraging creativity, exploration, and self-expression indeed requires tolerating scraps of paper on the floor, loud banging on pots and pans, and off-key singing of the same annoying song over and over again. But it doesn’t have to mean a free-for-all either. It’s equally important to teach kids how and when to be messy, loud, and off-key in a way that considers the needs of others and teaches responsibility.
Nope, that doesn’t work for me
“Can we add glitter?!” my daughter asks as we work on her brother’s birthday banner. Ugh. I want to say “No.” I go through my checklist. Is it a safety issue? No. Does it violate the rights or property of others? No. Is it in opposition to our family values? Nope. So, then, why not? The answer comes, clear as day: because I’m tired, and I have a million other things to do, and it’s just plain inconvenient for me right now. And then I realize that’s okay, too.
It’s okay to say “No” to our children, even when it’s for entirely selfish reasons. In fact, it’s important to do so. For starters, we parents need breaks now and again. We’re happier and more balanced as parents when we take them. We need opportunities to meet our own needs, instead of stretching ourselves so thin that we resent the continual demands of others.
Saying “No” also provides the opportunity to teach valuable lessons, such as consideration of others and time constraints. As Robin Berman points out in Permission to Parent (2014), many well-meaning parents overindulge their children for fear of hurting their feelings. What results, she emphasizes, is a generation of children unable to handle setbacks and disappointments. They struggle to consider the needs of others. As important as it is to open the doors to creative expression (and to stretch our tolerance for loud, messy, and off-key activities), we can also support our children’s growth when we say “No” once in a while. It matters how we do this, though (see fig. 2.4).
Step 1: Affirm the activity—Find something positive about the activity: “I notice you came up with a new idea” or “I see you really rockin’ out on those drums.”
Step 2: Take responsibility—Clearly state whose needs are not being met: “Unfortunately, it doesn’t work for me (your brother, the family, us, our classroom) right now.” Together, steps 1 and 2 communicate clearly that you are open to the creative expression, and something about it isn’t working right now for other reasons.
Step 3: Give your reason—Explain why it doesn’t work right now. Be concise. Explanations are not invitations for negotiation. Nor are they attempts to convince. Rather, an explanation helps children learn to consider factors such as time management or the needs of others.
Step 4: Explore alternatives—Offer an alternative time or place to do the activity, a different activity altogether, or an adaptation of the activity that addresses the issue. You might even ask your child to come up with suggestions.
Here are some examples of how to put this into practice:
2.4 Four steps for saying “No”
Scenario 1: Your child is pulling out the paints, and you both need to leave soon.
Scenario 2: Your child is singing loudly in the car.
Address the mess
“Here,” I say, as I hand my client a piece of paper. “Rip this up.” He has come into my office angry, and my aim is to give him an outlet. And rip he does. He tears that piece of paper, and several more, into tiny bits. Then he throws them all over the couch and floor like confetti.
“Wow! It’s a lot, isn’t it? . . . And all over the place,” I comment about the paper (and his anger). He has expressed his anger, discharged some of his emotional energy, and demonstrated the magnitude of his feelings. We sit amid the resulting mess. Now what?
“Okay, now what should we do with all of this?” I pose the question to him. He looks at me quizzically. Was I really suggesting that he clean it all up?!
“Do you want to keep it in an envelope or get rid of it?” I ask.
“Let’s get rid of it,” he says definitively.
“Okay, let’s do it!” I say. I have a hunch that, while he’s not too keen on tidying up the room, he is ready to throw out the anger. Together, we put hundreds of paper scraps into the recycling bin and, in the process, his mood returns to baseline. Addressing the mess is as important as expressing anger in the first place.
Addressing the aftermath of an art experience can feel tedious for parents and kids alike, but inherent in the process are valuable opportunities. Cleaning up helps kids take responsibility, teaches problem solving, and promotes a sense of family citizenship. As in the example above, it also helps kids feel more contained after an energetic or emotional art session. Many parents avoid art activities
