if my “down” looked like an overcast day, and your “down” looked like a hurricane? As the saying goes, a picture is worth a thousand words. The creative arts can allow kids to express much more about their emotional experiences than words alone can. (For more on maximizing emotional health through the creative arts, see chapter 5: “Raise Happy Kids.”)
Words aren’t enough to build a foundation of success
Finally, talking is also a limited tool for educating children, whether we are teaching academics or important lessons of life. The brain is wired more for active engagement than for passive absorption of information (Bransford, Brown, and Cocking 2000). When we talk and expect children to listen and learn, we’re missing a big piece of how they absorb information. There are different learning styles to consider when we think about the best way to teach a child (seeing, hearing, or doing). While some have a specific preference, many children benefit from a combination of all three approaches (e.g., Brown et al. 2003; Dunn et al. 2009). The creative arts provide this. Whether it’s the tactile experience of certain art materials, the physical experience of movement, or the auditory experience of making or listening to music, the creative arts engage the senses to sustain attention, build associations for learning and retention, and develop observation and problem-solving skills in a way that talking and listening cannot. (For more on enhancing cognitive and academic performance through art, see chapter 6: “Raise Successful Kids.”)
Before we look more specifically at how the creative arts can address our goals of connection, emotional health, and academic success, let’s first consider your personal short- and long-term parenting goals.
KEEP PARENTING GOALS IN MIND
“Who wants to do a special project?” my husband, Mathew, inquires. He is in charge of the kids for the afternoon and is taking stock of his short-term goals: 1) keep the two older kids from killing each other, 2) attend to the youngest, 3) make dinner, and 4) maybe, just maybe, get some work done.
Mathew doesn’t like art much. He doesn’t understand it and feels that he isn’t very good at it. To him, art + kids = mess. And yet, he brings out the markers and paper, on which he has printed each child’s name in block letters vertically down the left side of a page. On another sheet of paper are lists of traits and strengths, all starting with letters from their respective names. They are going to make name poems.
“Here’s what you get to do. Decorate each letter of your name. Then, choose one word for each letter of your name from this list. Pick words that describe you. We will write that word next to the letter.” The kids rush to the table to begin.
(We’ll return to this story in a moment.)
Short-term goals involve shaping behaviors, avoiding problems, or de-escalating situations that have already gotten out of hand. Getting your kids out the door in the morning, resolving sibling conflicts, and avoiding power struggles over bedtime are common short-term goals. Long-term goals, on the other hand, involve nurturing qualities that you believe are important to the development of character, such as self-motivation (getting out the door), thoughtfulness toward others (sibling squabbles), and problem solving and collaboration (conflicts over bedtime). These goals facilitate long-term social, emotional, and cognitive health.
Our methods for achieving our short-term goals need not be out of alignment with our long-term goals—yet often they are. While few, if any of us, would say that our long-term goals are to nurture compliant adults, the fact is that, in the moment, compliance is what we want. As a result, we intervene in ways to achieve quick resolution, order, or agreement. This can put short-term goals of behavior management at odds with long-term goals of character development.
Luckily, the arts can facilitate both short- and long-term parenting goals simultaneously.
Returning to the story above:
Later that evening, I ask my husband, “So, what inspired you to do an art project with the kids?”
“To impress you,” he jokes. “Actually, I thought learning the different words for characteristics would help expand their vocabulary. But more importantly, I hoped it would help them think about their strengths. I thought it would be good for their self-esteem.”
My husband’s short-term goals (entertaining the kids) and longer-term values (education and positive sense of self) could be met simultaneously through this creative activity. Here are some other examples: Dancing to the car together (instead of cajoling your child to leave the park, pretending to leave her, or carrying her out kicking and screaming), gets your child to the car (short-term goal) while teaching her that she is capable of positively transitioning from a preferred activity to a less-preferred activity (long-term goal). Making a collage about going to a new school, rather than offering bribes for going or laying down the law, can help decrease morning meltdowns (short-term goal) while providing an opportunity to process difficult feelings about change (long-term goal). It takes some creativity on our part, which can feel time-consuming, but it’s far less tiring than fighting the same battles over and over again. And it allows us to parent today in a manner that is consistent with our hopes for tomorrow.
While it may feel foreign at first to use creative arts strategies in parenting, these approaches to parenting will come more readily to mind with practice. Even I forget, at times, to turn to the creative arts to help my children (and myself) work through difficult moments. But one thing is for sure: there will be a next time to do a parenting moment better. Make a plan for how to approach a challenging interaction more creatively when it comes around again. This can be easier than finding a creative response in the heat of the moment.
. . .
Take a moment now to write down three short-term parenting goals:
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Now write down three long-term parenting goals:
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As you read this book, keep your short- and long-term parenting goals in mind. This will make it easier to apply the tools with your own unique child.
FIND THE FUN
Ping arrives to lend a hand after the birth of her second granddaughter and finds that two-year-old big sister is not a happy camper. Routine activities like nose wiping, hair washing, and changing clothes now provoke tantrums. Previously effective consequences and rewards for behavior management are backfiring. This is clearly not sustainable for anyone. Ping concocts a creative plan to address each scenario that leads to resistance. The next day the “boogey monster” (a flying tissue) gets a meal from her nose. The bathtub washcloth becomes a soaking wet hat that they take turns wearing. The pop-up tent contains a magic blanket, under which pajamas are removed and play clothes are put on. Big sister changes her clothes gleefully without incident and proudly shows her parents what she can do.
