between self-expression and self-containment. It allows us to consider where we can loosen up as parents, distinguishing between necessary limits and unnecessary preoccupations. In this chapter, we will not only explore these themes but also offer practical strategies for setting limits, containing messes, and rethinking our struggles with the unpleasant parts of art making as a metaphor for parenting in general.
WHERE LIMITS MEET FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION
“Can I pour my orange juice into my oatmeal?” My son asks. “No,” is my husband’s immediate response. (He feels strongly about kids not playing with food.) I get it. Nevertheless, I check in to see if he is okay with me stepping in. He gives me the green light.
“What’s your plan?” I ask my son. “Are you done eating? Are you curious about how it would taste? Do you want to experiment to see what happens?”
“I want to make a new recipe,” my son replies.
“Sure,” I say. “Let’s get a separate bowl and put a little oatmeal in it and add a little orange juice. If you like it, you can mix it all together. If you don’t, then you won’t have ruined your breakfast.” He gets a separate bowl and tests out his innovative recipe. He likes it, mixes up the rest of his breakfast, and licks the bowl clean.
Kids need a balance between freedom of expression and containment. With too many demands and restrictions (authoritarian parenting) or too much freedom and indulgence (permissive parenting), kids will tend to display more behavioral, social, and emotional difficulties. Research on parenting styles from the 1960s until now has consistently revealed that children raised with a balance of high expectations and responsiveness to their needs, as well as a balance between clear limits and flexibility, do better socially, emotionally, and academically (Baumrind 1966; Suldo and Huebner 2004). This is called authoritative parenting, and the creative arts offer a rich arena for parents and professionals to rehearse and fine-tune this balancing act.
Expression and experimentation
Many of us have a knee-jerk “No” reaction to creative expression and exploration either because we were taught in the past that it was not okay or because we determine in the present that this is going to be a hassle. When we think consciously about it, we can begin to clarify why it’s not okay. We may even be surprised that we are okay with the activity after all and come to see these moments of spontaneous creativity as something upon which we can capitalize. Here’s how:
Pause first. Instead of “Yes” or “No,” try saying: “I’m not sure. Tell me what you’re doing here.” Or, as in the example above: “What’s your plan?” Asking thought-provoking questions like these will help you and your child pause to consider the situation, without cutting off the creative potential that’s brewing. Inquiring about your child’s plan prompts the executive functioning part of his brain (responsible for planning, organizing, problem solving, and thinking before taking action) to come online and consider: “What am I actually doing here?” In the above example, it allowed my son to consider his intention and develop a deliberate, creative idea. Learning more about your child’s intention also allows you, the adult, to help shape the direction of the activity as needed (e.g., “Let’s get a separate bowl and mix just a little bit together first.”).
2.1 Three steps for deciding to give the go-ahead
Next, ask yourself the following three, simple questions (see fig. 2.1):
1. Is it safe?
2. Is it respectful of the rights or property of others?
3. Does it align with family values?
If the answer to each of these questions is “Yes,” then it’s probably okay for your children to go ahead expressing and exploring. For my husband, playing with food was a violation of number three, a conflict with his values: We don’t play with our food. However, he forgot to consider the intention behind the behavior. Our son was playing chef (or at least that’s what he decided he was doing after I asked him to pause and consider his actions). He wasn’t just interested in smooshing and squishing his food together. In our family, creating new recipes is acceptable for mealtime. Smooshing and squishing for the sake of smooshing and squishing would have needed to wait until later.
Let’s look at another example:
When my son first draws on himself with a marker, my “No” reflex kicks in: “We don’t draw on ourselves, we draw on paper.” I ask myself: But why? Because it’s not okay? Because my parents didn’t let me draw on myself? Hmmm. Not a good enough reason. So, why? Because it violates our family value of looking presentable? But for what? For whom? He’s a kid. We’re not going for family photos. Why then? Because it’s toxic! Safety is a good reason. But the markers are nontoxic. Hmmm. Back to the drawing board. It doesn’t violate any property or person. It is safe. I value self-expression more than I value a marker-free body. I decide that I don’t care after all. Instead of “No,” I exclaim joyfully (and nonjudgmentally), “Look at you!” My son beams.
But this is not the end of the story. As things go with kids, he takes his experimentation a step further. Thrilled by the go-ahead to draw on his body, he begins to color his face. I decide to set the limit there. Despite being “washable,” marker ink takes days to remove, and I prefer for him not to have a green face for the better part of the week. I buy him a set of face paints instead. “You can draw on your body, just not on your face. If you want to decorate your face, use the face paint.” My son is excited about the face paint, but corrects me: “I wasn’t decorating my face, Mom.” (Insert “Duh!” look here.) “I was making a mask!” I chuckle to myself as I realize I had forgotten to ask about his plan in the first place. “Of course you were! Would you like to make a mask together?” I get out the construction paper, a less messy option for mask making. “What color do you want it to be?”
There are no absolutes when it comes to deciding when to cut our kids some slack and when to rein them in. It’s okay for you not to allow your children to draw on themselves. Perhaps one of your family values is to have clean, marker-free bodies. Perhaps you’re concerned about toxicity or possible classroom distraction and disapproval. You can decide on a case-by-case basis whether or not there is more room for creative expression and exploration than you may have initially thought. A “No” conclusion also doesn’t have to mean putting the kibosh on creative expression altogether. It may simply mean providing a bit more guidance and containment, as the next section explores.
Containment
I present a box of markers to the members of my art therapy group at a school for teens with emotional and behavioral difficulties. I don’t even have the chance to share my activity idea before the markers start flying across the room as the kids take aim at one another. It is chaos. “Stop” will not work. Reminding them of expectations will not work either. They are full of energy and feeling rambunctious (aka defiant). Removing the markers altogether would stop the playful battle but with a counterproductive message: “You’re not capable of handling yourselves.” They are capable of managing themselves; they just need a little more containment.
I quickly tape a large piece of butcher paper on the wall and draw a bull’s-eye. Several feet back from the wall, I stick a strip of masking tape on the floor. “Line up here!” I call. Then, pointing to the bull’s-eye, I challenge them: “Let’s see who can score the most points.” In an instant, the markers stop rocketing through the air. The teens
