provide (UNICEF 1994), and will naturally explore, express, take in, and process more through play and the creative arts than they will through talking. Creative arts therapists and play therapists have been on to this for a while.
Lawrence Cohen (2002), author of Playful Parenting, describes play as a magical place where children can truly be themselves. Art is much the same. I’ve heard children describe their experience of making art as a place where they can feel free to express their own ideas and feel better. The respected anthropologist Ellen Dissanayake (1992) asserts that art has supported our survival as a species because it helps us make meaning, self-express, and bond as a community during difficult times. Indeed, art is much more than a pretty picture or a song well played. It is fundamental to who we are.
For our purposes, we will define art as the use of some tool or medium (be it paint in the visual arts, instruments in music, or the body in dance) and a creative or imaginative process. Together, these invite expression of one’s internal world, exploration of the external world, or an investigation of the relationship between the two. Art may intend to communicate to another or be entirely self-exploratory. It may be functional or not. Art always involves a process and often, though not always, creates a product. So, rather than thinking about art as an equation where Paint + Canvas = A Painting, or Flute + Breath = Music, we will explore how art is integral to our lives and well-being.
Tool + Creative Expression = Exploration, Making Meaning, and Communication
This is an equation that has everything to do with parenting. And this is why it makes sense that we should all talk a little less, and draw, dance, and sing a little more.
WHEN WORDS AREN’T ENOUGH
“Can we talk, sweetheart?”
“Yeah,” grunts my son.
“When you don’t like what someone is doing, don’t do it back to them . . . [pause] . . . It doesn’t solve anything . . . [he nods] . . . If a kid is bothering you, you can say ‘Stop’ or ‘I don’t like that’ but calling names back just makes the situation worse . . . [pause] . . . Do you understand what I’m saying?” . . . [he nods] . . . Or you can walk away . . . [pause] . . . Come tell us if there’s a problem.”
“Okay,” he says.
“Do you understand?” I double-check.
“Yes,” he affirms. “Next time I’ll just annoy them back.”
Cue: deep breath. Clearly, my words were not enough. Or, perhaps, they were too much. I grab a piece of paper and draw a stop sign. “When someone calls you a name, tell them to ‘Stop.’ And then stop yourself from saying anything else, and walk away . . . [pause] . . . What will you do next time someone calls you a name?” Now I hold my breath.
“Say ‘Stop.’ Then stop and walk away.”
Bingo!
Talking to children is crucial to their development. Groundbreaking research by Hart and Risley (1995) connects higher IQ and academic performance to greater numbers of words spoken by caregivers to children from birth to age three. As children get older, talk remains important for developing vocabulary, communicating interest, setting limits, teaching problem solving, connecting, and more. But more talk is not always better, as the example above shows. Adults tend to overtalk to children, particularly when it comes to problem solving, addressing uncomfortable feelings, and setting limits. Whether or not we care to admit it, our words of wisdom can be ineffective, if not irritating.
. . .
In a moment you will read a short sentence. As you read it, pretend that someone is saying it to you. Take a minute to notice any thoughts, emotions, or sensations that arise. Close your eyes if you’d like to do so, and repeat the sentence in your mind. Ready? Here it is:
“Can I talk to you?”
What did you notice?
Now, let’s do this exercise again. You will read a different sentence this time. Again, imagine someone saying this to you and notice any thoughts, emotions, or sensations that arise. Here it is:
“Can I show you something?”
What did you notice this time?
. . .
Many people experience anxiety or defensiveness in response to the first question, while the second produces curiosity and openness. I see this with couples in my practice. Although intended as an invitation to connect, “Can we talk?” is often met with resistance or defensiveness. Many have learned (starting in childhood) that talking indicates a problem (in other words: “Uh oh. I’m in trouble.”). Even before children learn to tune out talking for self-preservation, they may tune out because it’s difficult for them to absorb too much verbal information at once. Kids can also feel emotionally overloaded. A heart-to-heart can feel intense and leave kids feeling vulnerable. When we talk, we’re playing on our home turf, not theirs.
Then there are times when we remind our kids to do something, over and over again. When it comes to multiple reminders, children aren’t necessarily tuning out because they are overwhelmed. They don’t listen because, frankly, it’s pointless—more reminders are coming, so why bother now?
Of course, there are ways to talk effectively to kids and break the cycle of nonproductive communication. There are many worthwhile books that give practical tips on how to listen and talk to children. Yet even with these talk-based approaches, talking as a means of nurturing children—socially, emotionally, and cognitively—still has inherent limitations. Even in my best therapist-mommy moments when I am entirely present and empathic, if one of my children is upset, my verbal attempts are often met with grunts or with running and hiding.
Words aren’t enough to build connection
Talking does not guarantee connection. Just as people have different learning styles, they also have preferred ways of connecting. While some people connect through a chat, others prefer physical proximity, a shared activity, or a symbolic gesture, such as an offering of food or a gift. For most children, play and art are the primary ways of developing connection with others. Art making buffers the discomfort that can accompany difficult conversations. It offers a language of metaphor and fantasy to which children can relate. It provides for symbolic acts of connection through gift giving. Art making can be a shared activity. Unlike talking, the creative arts provide limitless ways to build connection and communication with children. (Chapter 4: “Connect First” explores building connection and communication through art.)
Words aren’t enough to build emotional health
When it comes to nurturing emotional health, talking also has limits. We’ve all had the experience of not being able to communicate clearly what we are feeling with words alone. Even if we can find the words, we may not feel comfortable sharing them. Other times, we’re not at all aware of how we are feeling. Feelings can elude us. This makes it difficult to communicate them, let alone to understand and work through them.
Words are also limiting in that they can easily lead to misassumptions of someone else’s experience. While we all have a general sense of what feeling “down” means, my feeling “down” and your
