I want to reassure him, I don’t try to convince him that his mistakes “look fine” because that approach won’t work. On many occasions, I try to problem-solve with him about how he can change mistakes into something new. I encourage him to think about how to fix what he doesn’t like. For inspiration, I read him the book “Beautiful Oops” by Barney Saltzberg (2010). Sometimes my strategies work. On many occasions, they don’t . . .
One day my son is drawing, and he “messes up.” I try to comfort him. He shouts,“I’m so stupid at this!” I try to encourage him to fix it. His agitation grows. I remind him he can start over. He begins taking it out on everyone around him. I look at the scrunched-up paper in front of him—his little wad of frustration, disappointment, and anger. In a flash of insight, I try an entirely different approach. “Look what you made!” I exclaim, pointing to the crumpled paper. He stops and looks at me. I have his attention. “You made a sculpture of your mad brain. Can we title it and put your name on it?” He smiles. We write “Mad Brain” on his sculpture along with his name. Then we photograph it.
Weeks later, I find my son drawing at his table. In front of him are a couple of drawings and three wads of scrunched-up paper. “Look, Mommy!” he announces cheerfully. “I made three mini-mad brains!” He smooths out the wads of paper, shows me his mistakes, and then scrunches them up again. “You can tell I’ve been working hard this morning, can’t you?” he says with a grin. I smile back. “You sure have.”
Sometimes when kids destroy their art, they want it gone—forever—but just as plants grow from fertile soil after fire, dismantling or destroying what was originally there can make room for new creation to emerge. Our adult impulse may be to fix or repair (whether it be art, homework, or feelings), but when we embrace what is present, rather than trying to make it better, sometimes it resolves on its own. In this example, rather than trying to alter my son’s experience, I simply acknowledged it without judgment or expecting it to be different. It was from this mindset that I was able to respond more creatively. It was from this place that my son could be okay with his mistakes.
Helping kids embrace their mistakes may be even more important than we realize. According to Sir Ken Robinson (2011), internationally acclaimed author and expert in arts education and business innovation, innate creativity is destroyed when we stigmatize mistakes. He asserts that those who are not prepared to be wrong will never come up with anything original.
Embracing mistakes is also characteristic of a growth mindset that supports learning and creativity. Carol Dweck (2006), professor of psychology at Stanford University, defines a growth mindset as one that embraces mistakes as part of the learning process, which enables positive risk-taking and greater academic achievement. This contrasts with a fixed mindset that avoids challenges and making mistakes because of the belief that capabilities are fixed and limited. A fixed mindset may say, “I’m not good at this” and avoid engagement for fear of revealing deficiency; whereas, a growth mindset may say, “I can learn from this mistake” and pursue a challenge toward achieving mastery. Both behavioral observations and neuroimaging reveal vastly broader brain engagement in students with a growth versus fixed mindset when doing the same cognitive task (Moser et al. 2011). Not surprisingly, students whose brain scans showed greater engagement were more successful at learning from their mistakes, and at making fewer future errors, than their fixed mindset counterparts. The good news is that a fixed mindset can become a growth mindset under the right learning process that embraces mistakes and rewards effort.
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Make a binder that celebrates oopses, errors, and unexpected surprises. Read Barney Saltzberg’s Beautiful Oops or Peter Reynolds’s Ish with your children for inspiration on ways to turn mistakes into opportunities. Keep a binder for each of your children, where they can celebrate their messes and mistakes whether in art, schoolwork, or other activities. Share an observation such as “I notice you didn’t give up on this homework project” or “I heard you say you messed up, and yet you turned it into something new! Would you like to put it in our special place of honor?” So as not to embarrass them, make adding “oopses” to the binder optional. Alternatively, place a jar in a communal area where children and parents alike can place a colorful pom pom every time they make a mistake from which they learn (see fig. 2.5). Rather than something about which to be embarrassed or frustrated, this simple activity can transform mistakes into something to celebrate.
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2.5 “Learning from mistakes” jar
As with all aspects of parenting, helping your children learn how to tolerate mistakes in life takes a little trial and error. In chapter 3: “Survive the Day” we will explore ways to talk to children about their art through “useful praise,” such as reinforcing qualities that you want to develop, helping your child reflect on his own work, and being accurate while being encouraging. While many of these tools are useful when your child is feeling frustrated by his art, you may need some additional approaches in those especially tough moments. Here are some to try:
• Acknowledge feelings—With any fumble in life, art making or otherwise, try to acknowledge feelings (without interpreting them) before jumping in with solutions so children feel understood. A simple statement of inquiry, prefaced by what you literally see (without judging it), may suffice: “I see your paper scrunched up. I wonder how you’re feeling?”
• Help them get specific—“I don’t like it” or “I messed up” is too general to address a problem effectively. Helping children hone in on the specific part they don’t like can reveal that the problem isn’t as big as their brain makes it seem. This can make problem solving and coping with difficult feelings much easier.
• Problem-solve together—Invite your child to problem-solve with you or a peer: “Let’s take a look together. You say you don’t like this part here? What do you think it needs so that you’ll like it better? Should we ask someone else for input?” Soliciting support from others may not only help in the moment but also impart a skill that will serve your children when dealing with other problems in life.
• Explore options (see fig. 2.6)—If your child has no idea how to proceed, you might offer some suggestions:
• “Would you like me [or someone else] to help fix it?”
• “Would you like to start over?”
• “Do you want to take a break from this for a little while?”
• “Should we turn this into something completely new and different?!”
• Admit you’re stuck, too—If you don’t know how to help, or your child has rejected all of your ideas, it’s okay to say “I’m not sure how to help, but I really want to.” Acknowledging that you’re also stuck can normalize the child’s experience and show that it’s okay not to know what to do sometimes.
2.6 Explore options for addressing mistakes
When scribbles strike (it may not be what you think)
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