The Innovative Parent. Erica Curtis
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Art works to resolve day-to-day family conflicts for many reasons. With creative strategies, you’re playing on your children’s home turf where they feel more comfortable. Rather than approaching a conflict with explanations and reasoning, a creative approach is naturally more imaginative, metaphorical, and playful. That’s not to say that conflicts should be turned into fun and games when kids need clear expectations, limits, and boundaries. Creative arts strategies are not intended to deflect from or minimize the problem at hand. Rather, they can allow us to go deeper into the issue by fostering authentic (re)connection before talking, by preempting defensive responses (my kids’ favorite is “I ALREADY KNOW THAT!”), and by giving children a language in which they’re comfortable communicating feelings and needs.
Reconnect
One of the biggest mistakes we make when trying to end a conflict is attempting to resolve it before reconnecting with the other person. Art can first help lower defenses, reestablish connection, and open lines of communication. Just as in the example of the interaction between my son and me at the start of this chapter, sometimes even our best traditional efforts to make amends are met with anger or dismissal. In this case, art served as a sort of mediator or peace negotiator. It became a neutral third party that could carry a message to my son. Although he didn’t want to listen to me, he was able to take in what the visual messenger had to say: “I’m sad. You’re sad. I see you. I feel you.” With that, he was able to reconnect with me so we could talk about what had happened and where things went wrong.
Reconnecting through art can take several forms. It’s up to you (and maybe a little trial and error) to determine the most suitable approach. Sometimes kids need acknowledgment of their feelings. Sometimes they need to stew in their feelings for a bit. Sometimes kids need quiet. Sometimes they literally need to shake it off. Here are some ideas to try:
3.1 Empathize with art
Ping’s one-and-a-half-year-old daughter (not granddaughter) is scurrying through their home, systematically putting things into her mouth or throwing them—keys, toiletries, papers, and whatnot. She manages to keep one step ahead of Ping, who is chasing her around for hazard and damage control while futilely hollering variations on “No” and “Stop.” Finally, her daughter grasps the oil-laden spokes of a bicycle. She looks back at Ping for a reaction before making the next move. Ping sighs, sits on the ground, and extends her arms out toward her little one as she says, “Do you need some love?” Immediately, her daughter runs into her arms for an embrace. Defiant behavior over.
3.2 Show a little love
3.3 Let me hear how angry you are
Once you and your child have reconnected by acknowledging feelings, communicating care, or shaking off energy, you can move on to finding a solution to the problem at hand.
Resolve
Naturally, a lot of talking happens while resolving a problem. If the conflict is between two children, we want to know what happened, when, why, and to whom. If the conflict involves us, we usually do most of the talking, explaining why a certain behavior, choice, or tone of voice doesn’t work for us. All of this talking is to arrive at a solution, whether that means a relevant consequence, a compromise, or an understanding. Talk can be an efficient way to get to the heart of the matter, but it can also backfire. Frustration may seep out in our tone of voice. We may talk too much. And, thus, our children may