relapses in sex addiction recovery. Most therapists who treat sex addiction agree that a slip is a single—usually unplanned—acting-out incident. Relapse is a process that begins before the actual acting-out behaviors. It may start with a reduction in participation in recovery activities (twelve-step meetings, therapy, etc.), the addict thinking he doesn’t need recovery, that his problems aren’t as bad as others, or harboring secret plans to engage in what are commonly called the “middle circle” behaviors of the Three Circle Plan. Middle circle behaviors are activities that aren’t a violation of the abstinence plan, but they have the potential to lead to acting out. Some examples of middle circle behaviors are unstructured alone time, using a computer in isolated circumstances, and traveling out of town for business without one’s partner.
Relapses almost always involve deception because the addict, either consciously or unconsciously, knows he’s headed down a dangerous path. Once he’s acted out, he will rationalize continuing the behaviors even for a short time since he’s already violated his abstinence plan. Sadly, addicts sometimes consciously choose to act out prior to a particular milestone of abstinence (sixty or ninety days, for example) because they tell themselves that the disappointment over “failing” after sixty or ninety days would feel worse to them and their partner after reaching the milestone. This is a clear and painful example of the cunning and baffling nature of addictive thinking.
Individuals with sobriety in other twelve-step programs like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) or Narcotics Anonymous (NA) sometimes criticize the sex addiction recovery community for being too tolerant of slips and relapses. The idea is that in AA or other twelve-step programs, people get sober from the beginning of their time in the program. This is simply not the case. Substance addicts may slip or relapse multiple times over many years before getting a foothold in solid, long-term recovery—sometimes referred to as “rehearsing” sobriety. The story of Bill W., founder of AA, is probably the best, and most well known, example of the reality that sobriety is not a simple onetime choice of abstinence.
Because abstinence in sex addiction recovery isn’t as black and white as in alcohol and other drug addiction, it is not uncommon for the definition of abstinence to change, especially in the first year. For example, addicts often complete ninety days of celibacy from all sexual activity in early recovery. During this time, masturbation is considered acting out. However, after the ninety days of abstinence is complete, masturbation may no longer be considered a slip. This is one among many reasons why abstinence in sex addiction is more complicated than other addictions.
Sex addiction, like all other forms of addiction, involves a considerable amount of isolation and secretiveness on the part of the addict. The isolation inherent in addiction results in frequent deception and lying to partners, family, friends, and employers. As a partner of a sex addict, you need to know that, because of the nature of deception and secrecy that goes hand in hand with addiction, your trust in your reality has likely been seriously impacted.
You may have been told:
• “You’re crazy.”
• “Why are you so upset? I only did it once.”
• “You’re overreacting.”
• “All men _______ (look at pornography, go to strip clubs, etc.).”
• “You’re wrong. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
These attempts to convince you that you’re crazy, stupid, or just plain wrong are what we call gaslighting. The term comes from a 1944 movie called Gaslight and, as mentioned before, it denotes a form of mental abuse where the victim is lied to—or the truth is otherwise distorted—for the purpose of causing the victim to doubt her own reality, memory, or perceptions. Gaslighting creates the fog of addiction, and perfectly describes what happens to partners of sex addicts when the addict is still acting out and attempting to cover up his behaviors.
Having been in a relationship with an active addict, your reality has been manipulated. You may not trust your intuition or perceptions. Some addicts are so deceptive, and their lives so Jekyll and Hyde, their partners wonder if they are sociopaths. Of course, it’s possible that your partner is a sociopath—but it’s unlikely. Many addicts manifest sociopathic characteristics when they’re acting out. They use every means available to deceive and cover up the truth of their secret life. The addiction becomes more important than anything else for them, and the level of deception inherent in addiction takes a serious toll on partners.
Some well-meaning but misinformed therapists have encouraged the partner of a sex addict to participate in the acting-out behaviors of the addict even when those behaviors are outside the partner’s value system or just aren’t something the partner wants to do. These harmful experiences happen too often and delay the addict and partner from getting the help they need. I highly recommend you seek out a professional who is trained in the field of sex addiction treatment and recovery. Don’t be afraid to ask detailed questions about the therapist’s training, experience, approach to treatment, and any concerns you have.
Because of the level of shame and stigma inherent in sex addiction, you may find it difficult to talk to family or friends about what’s going on with you and your partner. It is wise to carefully consider with whom you share information. Because sex addiction is not widely understood, the input and advice you receive may cause more harm than good. Be especially aware of people who immediately tell you to leave or say things like, “I can’t believe you’re still with him,” or “I didn’t think you would put up with behavior like that.” This kind of advice and feedback is not supportive and actually harmful. You may choose to leave, but you likely have a huge investment of time in the relationship, and perhaps children to consider. Your best course of action is to find a therapist, join a support group or twelve-step community, educate yourself about your situation, and practice the very best self-care you can.
YOUR SELF-CARE IN EARLY DISCOVERY
In the early stages of discovery and disclosure, your world has been turned upside down and—in many ways—shattered. Your brain is trying to assimilate, organize, and comprehend all the incoming data that doesn’t correspond to the way you saw your life, your relationship, or your family pre-discovery. You may spend much of your day asking your sex addict partner for information and details about his acting out or engaging in some form of detective work—combing through credit card or bank statements, phone records, or email accounts. You may have even gone a step further and installed keystroke logger software on a computer or phone, or a GPS tracker on your partner’s vehicle.
It is completely understandable for you to want to use all means to seek safety through gathering information that has been systematically and deceptively withheld from you. If the sex addict in your life seeks professional help from someone knowledgeable about sex addiction treatment and recovery, he will be given the tools and guidance to prepare a formal disclosure to give you all of the information you want and deserve, followed up by a post-disclosure polygraph if you request one.
As understandable as it is for you to seek safety through gathering information, this will not be your greatest strategy for creating safety. Your greatest source of strength and safety comes from your practice of good self-care through the use of effective boundaries—knowing how they work, how to create them, and what to do when they’re broken.
In the next chapter we explore the concept of boundaries and how to recognize a good one when you see it. But first, let’s look at the basics of your self-care plan as you navigate this difficult time.
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