establish a solid foundation in recovery. For the most part, the partner of the addict was on her own either with no support or sometimes with a therapist who had little information about sex addiction or worked with the partner from a co-addiction or codependency model.
Al-Anon, the twelve-step program founded in 1951 by Lois W. (wife of Bill W., the founder of Alcoholics Anonymous), is based on a co-addict/codependency model. The co-addiction model says that partners of addicts play a role in the addiction cycle by refusing to acknowledge that the addict has a problem (denial), by enabling the addict’s behaviors, or by using various strategies to control the addict’s behaviors, either directly or indirectly. Al-Anon is a helpful program and I often refer clients to it. However, the co-addiction model doesn’t address the special circumstances and needs of partners of sex addicts. This perspective often leaves partners feeling that they’re at fault for the addict’s behavior.
Most partners see themselves as profoundly defective and inadequate after the discovery of extramarital affairs, anonymous sex, or the compulsive use of pornography. You may believe that if you were like the women (or men) in the pornography your sex addict partner looks at or like the person he had an affair with—he wouldn’t have strayed. Or maybe if you had just gone along with some of the sexual activities he wanted to do that didn’t feel comfortable to you, he wouldn’t have been unfaithful.
Although none of these provide an explanation for the addict’s behaviors, it’s logical and understandable for you to think his sexual indiscretions are about you. When your partner chooses another person or pornography over being sexual with you, the experience and the impact is much different from finding out he’s been secretly gambling or using drugs. The sex addict’s behavior is felt on a deeply personal level that affects you in ways other addictive behaviors don’t. In Chapter Two I offer more detail about how the experience of partners of sex addicts differs from that of partners of all other addicts due to the intimate nature of sexual betrayal.
Most sex addicts avoid emotional, physical, and sexual intimacy with their partners. This is not because they aren’t attracted to their partner or because they think she’s lacking in some way. In fact, sex addicts often can’t understand why they engage in behaviors that cause them to risk losing someone they deeply love and to whom they are sexually attracted. This is one of the reasons I was not in favor of the term “Hypersexual Disorder” as a description for sex addiction or out-of-control sexual behavior as it was proposed for the most recent version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). In my experience working with sex addicts and their partners, the majority of sex addicts are sexual with their partners far less frequently than they are outside the relationship. Although it’s beyond the scope of this book to address how sex addiction develops, it is often the result of co-occurring mental health issues and/or trauma.
Because of the personal nature of sexual betrayal, you may not relate to the co-addict approach that emphasizes the partner’s role in the addictive dance. You may feel responsible or blamed for the addict’s behavior. Although it’s true that partners can exhibit codependent behaviors and play a role in a dysfunctional relationship dynamic, you are not responsible in any way for the sex addict’s choices.
Thanks to the work of many in the field of sex addiction treatment, we now have a better understanding of how to address the needs of partners. The most immediate need is to assess the level of trauma you’ve experienced. Many partners suffer from symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)—the most common being panic episodes, distressing memories, and intrusive thoughts about discovery and/or disclosure, sleep problems, or feeling perpetually on guard and anxious. Some partners have symptoms that rise to the level of a formal PTSD diagnosis. The partner’s trauma is brought on by the addict’s lies, deception, and gaslighting, which are discussed in greater detail in Chapter Four.
First and foremost, partners must be heard and validated. Depending on the severity of the trauma symptoms you’re experiencing, you may need trauma-specific treatment such as Somatic Experiencing (SE), Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy (EMDR), or Sensorimotor Psychotherapy. If your symptoms are worse, a multi-day workshop or inpatient treatment may be needed. (See Appendix for treatment resources.)
Once past the initial crisis stage, family of origin issues or other childhood trauma may need to be addressed before you can fully deal with the current relational trauma, especially if you were a victim of childhood sexual abuse or if there was active sex addiction in your family of origin. A partner’s unresolved childhood trauma can render her unable to do the necessary self-care and boundary work in her current relationship that is so important for her healing.
Ideally, the partner’s trauma, as well as any codependency issues, needs to be addressed. I believe it’s a mistake to dismiss either the trauma approach or potential issues of codependency as invalid or irrelevant. If codependency issues aren’t addressed, you may ask too little of the sex addict or accept halfhearted and superficial efforts at recovery. You also may be vulnerable to discounting or ignoring your needs, especially if the sex addict is highly defensive or, worse, a bully. The reality is that most partners experience trauma symptoms as a result of discovery/disclosure. In addition, they often have participated in some way in the dysfunctional addictive system, if only by neglecting their own needs or being unable to speak their truth.
This book offers concrete tips, tools, and skills to help you navigate through this painful and difficult time in your life and regain trust in your intuition. You will learn:
• How to use the 5-SBS to practice exquisite self-care through effective boundary work;
• How to tap into your authentic power and stop using ineffective strategies of control and manipulation;
• How to set boundaries;
• What to do when boundaries you set are violated; and
• How to determine whether or not your relationship is salvageable.
You will also come to realize that, although you don’t have the power to change your partner, you do have the power to change how you navigate this difficult phase and your relationship. You can reduce the chaos in your life, gain clarity, and ultimately experience serenity.
One of the most powerful lessons you will learn is that self-care and boundary work will change your relationships forever—with your partner, family, friends, coworkers, or children. Waiting for someone else to change is a losing proposition. Changing yourself is in your power and you can start immediately.
Here’s a snapshot of the 5-SBS for creating and maintaining good, healthy boundaries:
1. Define your current problem(s) through knowing your reality.
2. Identify the needs that aren’t being met and create a vision for the future.
3. Identify where you have power.
4. Take action where you have the power to effect change.
5. Evaluate the results to determine if your goal has been accomplished or further boundary work is needed.
Of course, there are times when our best efforts fail and that is certainly true for boundaries. Broken agreements, boundary violations, and a host of other factors can get in the way. You will learn how to handle boundary violations and learn what to do about any personal challenges that are sabotaging your boundary work.
My sincere desire is that the information and tools presented in this book will give you hope, help you
