a boundary violation occurs, along with how to determine an appropriate “repair” when an agreement is broken.
Because broken agreements, boundary violations, and unsuccessful boundary work are a major source of frustration and confusion, you may be tempted to skip ahead and go straight to this chapter. I encourage you, even if you begin with Chapter Eight, to go back to the prior steps of the 5-SBS before attempting to fix any boundaries with which you’re currently struggling. Laying the foundation for your boundary work—through 1) knowing your reality, 2) knowing your needs and wants, 3) identifying where you have power (or don’t), and 4) how to take effective and meaningful action—will save you time, effort, and heartache.
Chapter Nine, “Speed Bumps, Roadblocks, and Crash Landings: Hidden Barriers to Boundary Work and What to Do about Them,” discusses why, even with guidance, good intentions, and support, partners sometimes struggle to follow through with boundary work. This can happen for a variety of reasons including not feeling good enough, difficulty managing emotions, financial considerations, or pre-relationship trauma. Regardless of the reasons, identifying where the challenges are—and knowing what to do about them—will help you make course corrections and lay the groundwork for a more successful outcome the next time around.
Chapter Ten, “Burning Is Learning: How Your New Boundary Muscle Will Keep You Strong and Serene for a Lifetime,” shows you how the skills and tools you’ll learn in this book are indispensible not only in your current situation, but in all areas of your life. Once you understand the fundamentals of good boundary work, you can apply them in any setting or situation—with extended family relationships, friends, coworkers, employers, children, and many more. Mastering boundaries also has a powerful lasting impact on your confidence and self-esteem.
The last chapter, Chapter Eleven, “Partners Beyond Betrayal: Trust, Gratitude, and Forgiveness,” discusses three central themes of partners’ healing from the impact of sex addiction after the discovery and crisis stage. Fair warning: this chapter is not for the faint of heart. Arriving at trust, gratitude, and forgiveness are monumental steps for partners, and they come in their own time. You will hear from real partners who have traveled the courageous journey to find a new and better way of living than they ever imagined. These partners have truly moved beyond betrayal.
In order to get the most out of this book and quickly learn the five steps of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process, I recommend that you go online now, before continuing to read, and download the free “5-SBS Clarifier” at www.vickitidwellpalmer.com/5sbsclarifier.
The “Clarifier” is a two-page worksheet outlining each of the five steps of the 5-SBS process with brief instructions for each step. Use one “Clarifier” for each boundary you would like to create or for boundaries that have been broken or violated.
At the end of Chapters Four through Eight there are exercises that guide you through completing each of the respective steps in the 5-SBS process. Use the “5-SBS Clarifier” you downloaded to record your answers and reflections for each step as you work through them.
For the purpose of learning the 5-SBS process, as you go through the steps outlined in each chapter, I suggest you choose one relatively simple problem you believe may require a boundary, or a known boundary you want to create, that may or may not be related to your partner. For example, you may have a friend who is consistently late for social events or a family member who occasionally tries to tell you what to do or how to parent your children. Whatever the issue, choose one that has a relatively low level of importance to you and answer the questions for each step based on the issue you chose. This will help you move through the 5-SBS process with greater ease as you’re learning how to tackle more serious and complex boundary problems.
While the information and tools presented here are specifically designed for both current and former partners of sex addicts, the concepts and step-by-step instructions of the 5-SBS can be applied to relationships with addicts of all kinds, with difficult people in general, and in any relationship with boundary challenges. The fundamentals of boundary work are universal, applicable, and effective in all relationships.
Some readers—especially those with experience in psychotherapy or twelve-step programs—may find they already have a good grasp of one or more of the steps in the 5-SBS. If that is the case for you, congratulations! While some of the concepts may be familiar, I still recommend that you review each step before you proceed to the next one, even if you feel you have a good grasp of the concept already. In my experience, most people struggle with at least two of the steps as they navigate through their boundary work.
Partners, in spite of everything you’ve been through, you can survive and thrive after sexual betrayal. It’s not an easy road, and it’s not a short journey. But with knowledge, self-care, and boundaries, it is possible to move beyond the despair and pain of discovery to find clarity and serenity.
Let’s get started.
“Even though the future seems far away, it is actually beginning right now.”
—Mattie Stepanek
If you’ve taken the courageous step of picking up this book, you’re probably in a relationship with a sex addict, you know someone who is, or you’re the former partner of an addict. Perhaps you’re a sex addict yourself.
If you’re an addict and you’ve picked up this book because you’re skeptical or worried about what I might recommend to your partner, I ask that you trust the process—just like you’re asking her to trust the process of your own healing and recovery. Although you may not like everything you read here, this book will help your partner take care of herself. Practicing good self-care will help her feel better, and when she feels better your relationship will improve—provided you’re engaged in your own healing and recovery work.
If both of you want to stay together and you’re both willing to put the time and energy into your work—individually and as a couple—there is a very high likelihood you will make it. Having worked with many couples who have experienced sexual betrayal over the years, I have never seen one I thought couldn’t salvage their relationship if they both did the necessary work.
As a partner of a sex addict, you may not know where to begin and you may be confused about what to do. The 5-SBS will help you navigate through the painful first year after discovery or disclosure of your partner’s sex addiction, and beyond. You will learn what a sound sexual recovery plan looks like and know your rights as a partner. You will also learn the fundamentals of good boundary work that I refer to as the ultimate self-care practice. When facing a condition as serious as sex addiction, the practice of self-care through good boundary work can change the course of your life and your relationships.
THE TRANSFORMATIONAL POWER OF BOUNDARIES
When I say that practicing self-care through good boundaries
