For people who haven’t had experience with a sexually compulsive partner, these accountability measures may sound extreme. However, it’s not unusual for a recovering drug addict to be required to pass a sobriety test (such as urinalysis, breathalyzer, or a hair follicle test) in order to have visitation with children, for example. The polygraph is the equivalent of the drug test as an accountability tool to repair the damage done in relationships impacted by compulsive sexual behavior.
Partners who have recently discovered that their spouse has been acting out sexually sometimes say, “He says he’s a sex addict, but I think it’s an excuse. He’s just trying to avoid responsibility by claiming it’s an addiction.” The idea is that somehow the “sex addict” label lets him off the hook, renders him not responsible in some way, or gives him license to get away with something. I want to assure you that nothing could be further from the truth.
Sex addiction is real. The risks taken by sex addicts that endanger their health, safety, livelihood, and relationships are staggering. Addicts look for anonymous sexual partners through websites, chat rooms, and phone apps; they meet people they don’t know in risky or even dangerous places, and have unprotected sex with people whose sexual history is completely unknown. They may literally risk their lives for the next sexual encounter.
Partners sometimes believe that when the sex addict is acting out he is sneaking around like an adolescent whose parents are out of town, having casual hookups or engaging in other behaviors that he experiences as merely fun and harmless. Addicts often minimize their behaviors or say that what they did “meant nothing” in an attempt to avoid consequences or manage their shame. Addiction is not casual, fun, or harmless. The level of preoccupation, desperation, unmanageability, and shame experienced by sex addicts is so painful that they create distinct “compartments” to manage their dark, secret life.
No one would willingly choose to be an addict—especially a sex addict. It is difficult enough for most people to talk about healthy sexuality, much less to admit to out-of-control sexual behavior. Taking on the sex addict label—with all the work it entails—requires a considerable commitment of time, energy, and dedication. In addition to counseling and twelve-step meetings, the addict may be asked to write a formal disclosure to present to his partner, followed by a polygraph exam.
Given all that’s involved in taking on the sex addict label, it’s clearly not an excuse for bad behavior or a way to avoid responsibility. Quite the contrary. A person who identifies as a sex addict and makes a decision to get help to stop his behaviors is making a long-term—often lifelong—commitment to treatment and recovery.
BASICS OF FIRST-YEAR SEX ADDICTION RECOVERY
As a partner, you need to have an understanding of the addiction recovery process in order to develop realistic expectations and to make informed, reasonable requests of the addict as necessary. Otherwise, you will experience needless frustration because your expectations of your partner are unrealistic, or worse, you may expect and ask for too little. Being uninformed and/or not making requests of the addict for trust-building behaviors is harmful not only to you but it may also inadvertently delay the recovery process for the sex addict.
The truth is that most of us don’t make meaningful changes without engaging in behaviors and activities outside our comfort zone. While it’s not your job as a partner to provide the addict with growth opportunities, you’ll be doing yourself and your relationship a disservice by not making requests for repair and rehabilitation of trust. In Chapters Three, Six, and Seven, you’ll learn about common boundaries made by partners and how to make effective requests of the sex addict in your life.
Following are the primary components of a good first-year sexual recovery plan. These are the typical recommendations Certified Sex Addiction Therapists (CSATs) make, and may not represent the treatment approach of other mental health treatment providers or recovery programs.
• Assessment by a mental health professional with specialized training in treating compulsive sexual behavior. The International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP) and the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH) are good resources for locating a certified sex addiction therapist or a therapist with specialized training and experience (see Appendix for more information). Mental health professionals without knowledge or training about compulsive sexual behavior sometimes don’t know how to assess the problem, and they can overlook or minimize it. Most sex addicts minimize the extent of their problematic behaviors. On the other hand, some people who are deeply troubled by their sexual behaviors and those who experience intense shame about normal sexual feelings or behaviors may label themselves as sex addicts when it’s simply not the case. That’s why assessment is so important.
• Participation in regular (preferably weekly) individual and group psychotherapy, along with attending twelve-step meetings, and working with a twelve-step sponsor. Sponsors are mentors in twelve-step programs who serve as guides in the recovery process. (The Appendix includes a list of twelve-step organizations.)
• Therapists and/or sponsors often recommend that addicts new to the recovery process abstain from all sexual behaviors for the first three months of treatment and attend ninety twelve-step meetings in ninety days—sometimes referred to as “ninety in ninety.” Although “ninety in ninety” may seem extreme at first glance, when compared to the amount of time many sex addicts spend thinking about, planning, preparing for, and engaging in their sexual behaviors, seven hours a week spent in twelve-step meetings is usually a fraction of the time spent on acting-out behaviors.
• Daily written recovery work and reading of recovery literature.
• Creation of a sex plan or Three Circle Plan. This plan outlines the behaviors the addict will abstain from, as well as healthy behaviors that will replace those that are destructive and unhealthy. The behaviors in a sex addict’s abstinence plan often change over time. (For more information about the Sex Addicts Anonymous Three Circle Plan, visit their website at www.saa-recovery.org.)
• If the sex addict is in a long-term relationship, the partner or therapist may ask him to prepare a formal therapeutic disclosure. The formal disclosure is a document describing the type and extent of his sexual behaviors outside his primary relationship. Graphic details aren’t included, but the number of partners, how long the relationship or behavior lasted, and how much money was spent, are typical items included in a disclosure. If he agrees, the sex addict will complete a written disclosure to present to his partner in a therapy session, followed by a polygraph exam. It is sometimes recommended that the sex addict complete the First Step in his twelve-step community before presenting a disclosure to his partner.
Most partners find it helpful to get more information about sex addiction and the recovery process from trusted sources. (See the Appendix for a list of recommended reading.)
One of the most painful aspects of sex addiction recovery for partners is that the sex addict will likely not be able to put an end to all acting-out behaviors immediately after getting caught, attending his first twelve-step meeting, or beginning therapy. When addicts break their abstinence plan, it’s called a slip or a relapse. In an ideal world, addicts would choose sobriety, commit to a recovery path, and remain abstinent from their destructive sexual behaviors for life. Unfortunately, this is rarely the case. More often than not, sex addicts in early recovery struggle to maintain an abstinence
