mother, meanwhile, seemed to have decidedly divided loyalties. Sometimes, Paul said, she would defend him when she thought he was being treated unfairly; at other times she would stand back and do nothing. Similarly, she could be affectionate with Paul at times, but usually only when they were alone together.
After Paul’s second stepfather passed away, and after Meg quickly cut way back on her drinking, Paul turned to his mother, and she became what Meg described as “his new drinking buddy.” Paul would visit his mother once or twice a week on his way home from work. Sometimes he would bring take-out food and they would sit around, eat, and drink beer. Paul would have had several drinks in him by the time he got home.
Meg felt that Paul had “mixed feelings” about his mother, given his upbringing, but that in some respects she was the only person he’d ever been close to. “And that includes me,” she added with a sigh. Paul’s mother died—of cirrhosis—when Paul’s first child—his son Ethan—was a year old.
So, you might ask, given his personality and temperament, why would Meg be interested in Paul to begin with, and why would she stay with him? Indeed, men like Paul are not easy to love. But despite their obvious flaws, men like Paul are not one-dimensional. When asked to talk about what attracted her to Paul, and why she stayed, here is what Meg had to say:
• “First off, I liked Paul from the first time we met because I could tell that he was not just out to get me into bed. He seemed very respectful—never tried to grope me. Even when I’d had a few drinks he did not push himself on me. That was very important to me. It made me feel safe with him.”
• “Paul is actually a very sensitive man. I know he can be very critical, but he’s as critical of himself as he is of anyone else. He can be very good with the kids when he isn’t drinking, and he enjoys playing with them or just watching TV with them.”
• “I know that Paul is very jealous of me—thinks I’m smarter than him and that I’ll eventually dump him. But he’s also got skills. I don’t know whether he just doesn’t realize it, or he just doesn’t value the skills he has. He built a play house for the kids. It took him two months, and it’s a work of art—or should I say a labor of love? He’s also a great cook when he’s motivated to do it.”
Is Paul hard to love? Yes, definitely. Is Paul unlovable? Not according to Meg. Sure, they had their problems—maybe serious ones. But as Meg pointed out to me, she didn’t know anyone who had a perfect marriage. She didn’t have any friends, she said, who she’d readily trade places with. She and Paul had two lovely children, and Paul was a steady worker who rarely missed a day of work. Though he occasionally spent money in ways she didn’t think they could afford, such as an above-ground pool for the kids, he was not personally extravagant. She could typically expect Paul to get into one of his “moods” once or twice a week, but at other times there was relative peace in their house. Did she feel like she had to walk on eggshells around Paul? Yes, to an extent, but she felt that she was more or less aware of what could send him into a tailspin of depression or an explosion of anger. A little extra attention from her made daily activities go more smoothly between them.
Meg felt that staying together was her best alternative. So why did she come to see me? Because, although she had decided to stick with her marriage, on another level Meg knew that it could be better. Also, she knew that the one incident in which Paul had pushed her could not be repeated, both for her own self-respect and to spare her children from believing that such behavior in a marriage was acceptable.
It’s safe to say that there are many men like Paul out there, and an equal number of women, like Meg, who want to make a relationship with a man like him work. These are the men and women for whom this book is written.
What will you learn here? You will learn, first, why men with MBPD are typically misdiagnosed and misunderstood. This is important because, as in Paul’s case, it most often leads to a dead end. For example, simply telling Paul that he should do something about his drinking, or attributing his explosive outbursts or bouts of depression solely to his drinking, falls short of understanding the personality and temperament that contribute to both. Of course Paul may need to address his drinking, his temper, and his episodes of depression, but that is best done in the context of helping him (and Meg) to understand the context in which these occur (which is his MBPD) and what he can do to manage it.
Based on an understanding of MBPD, we can move on, in Part Two, to looking at a number of solutions these men (and those who love them) can pursue in order to “tame the beast” that troubles them on a deeper level. Facing those inner demons then sets the stage for men like Paul to lead more satisfying, less frustrating lives, and for those who love them to be able to share in those lives.
Beginnings: The Myth of the Tough Boy
As psychologists (and virtually all parents) have long known, children show definite sex differences and preferences when it comes to behavior, including play and risk-taking. And although research into the field of gender differences is opening up new thinking all the time, it is generally the case that from early childhood, most boys are more interested in rough-and-tumble play, and most girls are interested in more inwardly focused play. Boys are more likely to climb trees and have skinned knees, and girls more likely to favor imaginative, relationship-focused play. Boys are more likely to be fascinated with dragons, girls with horses. And though many boys are drawn to video and computer games based on combat and survival, most girls are not. There are exceptions, of course, but these generalizations are largely sound.
Behavior versus Personality
Behavioral sex differences like those just described appear to be the basis on which our society stereotypes boys’ and girls’ personalities. In other words, we’ve been inclined to see these outer differences as indicators of inner differences. These latter stereotypes, however, are not only generally inaccurate, worse, they can be downright dangerous. The specific stereotype I’m speaking of is the one that goes like this: girls are sensitive, boys are tough. Or, as the old rhyme goes:
“What are little boys made of?
Snips and snails, and puppy dog tails
That’s what little boys are made of!
What are little girls made of?
Sugar and spice and everything nice
That’s what little girls are made of!”
Again, the implication is clear: boys are tough, inside and out; girls are sensitive, inside and out. Not true!
If anything, research suggests that boys, despite their preference for rough-and-tumble play and their attraction to risk, may actually be more emotionally vulnerable and less resilient in the face of trauma than girls. We will look at this issue more closely later on, but for starters consider the following facts:
• The prevalence of alcohol abuse among men is almost three times as high as it is among women. People don’t just drink for fun; they also drink as a means of coping. They drink because they believe it helps relieve anxiety or depression. This is especially true among people whose drinking—like Paul’s as discussed in the previous chapter—falls outside of what you could call “normal social drinking.”
• Almost four times as many males as females die by suicide. People don’t
