of divorce.
Young children like Tyler, of course, cannot be counted on to put their insecurity into words. Instead, one has to “read” it in their behavior. In turn, there are two ways to respond to their behavior. The right way is the way Tyler’s parents responded: with understanding and tolerance. The wrong way is to try to ignore the behaviors or try to talk boys out of them.
“Don’t feel that way!” will not be sufficient to make insecurity go away. Even worse are efforts to shame boys out of their insecurity. Unfortunately, because they buy into the myth of the tough boy, parents sometimes try to get boys to “tough it out” or “man up.” It would have been a mistake, for example, to try to persuade (or force) Tyler to give up Sparkle, or to insist that he stay in his own bed after having a nightmare. It would have been much worse, of course, if Tyler had lost his relationship with his father as a result of the divorce. Fortunately, that was not the case.
Taking Stock
Many of the symptoms associated with problems of attachment can be seen in adult men with BPD. The problem is that, as adults, they do not usually “connect the dots” and see how their insecurity, self-hatred, or anxiety may be rooted in the stereotype that they ought to be tough; therefore, they resist seeing such a connection. They may well buy into this stereotype themselves. Like Paul, they may get huffy and defensive if someone even suggests that they may be “insecure.”
The good news is that it is possible to work on overcoming the effects, such as those just described. However, that healing cannot begin until a man is aware of how his temperament and personality as an adult relate to his experiences as a child.
Early Memories
Early memories often reveal those to whom we were attached as children, as well as to the strength and security of those attachments. Here is an example:
Michael’s parents had divorced when he was six. His father, an engineer, was bitter. He ended up taking a job with an oil company in another country, remarried, and rarely returned to the states to see his son. When Michael came for counseling—the result of escalating conflict with his wife, combined with periodic bouts of severe depression that recently included an accidental overdose of sleeping medication—he said he did not remember much about his father. But according to his mother, he explained, he’d initially cried virtually every night at bedtime after his father left.
Later on Michael developed temper tantrums, and eventually a reputation for being someone who could fly off the handle. The depression, in contrast, did not begin to set in until he was an adult.
Despite his emotional ups and downs Michael did well in school, went to college, and became an accountant. He said that he had few friends, and inwardly had always been an anxious person who distrusted others and was self-critical. His relationships with women had also not gone smoothly. He’d been told, more than once, that he was “smothering.” From his point of view, though, the women he’d chosen to get close to were always letting him down. During his college years two of them had ended up cheating on him before breaking off the relationship. He saw no connection, however, between these women’s behavior and his tendency to be smothering and possessive. This problem existed now, as well, with his wife complaining that Michael was too controlling in the marriage, both of her and their children. He countered that he was a good provider and a faithful husband who was simply trying to instill good values in his children.
In counseling Michael was asked to think, between sessions, about any early memories he had of his father and to write them down. Here is what he came up with:
• A vague image of him leaning up against his father on the family room couch, watching a cartoon show and laughing together.
• Reading at night before bed. Michael’s father would lie beside him and they would go through their regular ritual that included reading a story and then giving each other a special, “secret” handshake.
• Going with his father to a nearby park and being pushed on the swings. Michael also vaguely remembered screaming in excitement when he felt he was being pushed too high, and his father then catching the swing and stopping it.
Michael could not figure out the significance of any of these early memories. Indeed, he had not thought about any of these attachments from his earlier life for many years. His therapist, however, suggested a couple of ways in which they could be relevant. The memories suggested, for example, that Michael’s father had been a major source of comfort for him before he left. He read bedtime stories to Michael, which is not only comforting to young children but cements the attachment between parent and child. Finally, Michael’s father was a source of fun (taking him to the park and pushing him on the swings) as well as security (being able to stop the swing whenever Michael got anxious).
It was pretty evident, then, that Michael’s father had actually played an important role in his life during his early years, and that the father-son bond had been strong. Then, after the divorce, Dad (and the father-son attachment) was suddenly gone. Viewed from the perspective of young Michael, he had not only been loved, but also abandoned by his father. This lost attachment would later be reflected in Michael’s difficulty getting close to others. He still had few friends, and was notably distrustful as well as jealous. His wife said the word “smothering” seemed right.
Despite his success Michael could be dreadfully self-critical. And, he had a temper, but could also fall into deep states of depression. Even the slightest criticism would send him into an emotional tailspin. These traits were all part of his borderline personality.
The following exercise is designed to help you take stock and reflect on your early experiences of attachment.
Your Early Memories
It can be productive to take some time, as Michael was asked to do, to reflect on your earliest memories with each of your parents. Here are a couple of ground rules:
• Don’t rush this process. Your initial response may well be that you don’t have many (or any) memories of your childhood. That may be the case, but if you allow this idea to “incubate” for a couple of weeks you will most likely find some memories emerging. Some of these may come to you suddenly, “out of the blue,” so to speak, when you least expect it. Some may even come to you when you are asleep.
• Write your memories down in a journal or notebook of some kind. This can be helpful as these memories can easily fade out of consciousness again.
• Be looking out in particular for memories, like Michael’s, of interactions you may have had with your father and mother, as well as any other adults you lived with.
• What emotional tone is associated with each of your memories? Do these memories evoke feelings of warmth and comfort? Conversely, do they evoke anxiety? Anger?
• As you look over your memories, do you get an impression that one of your parents may have had mixed feelings (ambivalence) about you? Which one? How was this ambivalence reflected in his or her behavior?
• Who do you think you were most attached to as a child? Were any of these attachments broken, for example by divorce or abandonment?
Places
In addition to people and objects, children can also form attachments to places. Think about this:
• When you were a child, did your family vacation in the same place year after year?
• Was there a space in your home where you felt comfortable and especially liked spending time?
