of us resort to suicide?
• The incidence of “conduct disorders” is twice as high among boys as it is among girls. These disorders are typically associated with difficulty dealing with emotions. Boys are thought to be emotionally resilient, but in fact, they are just as emotional as girls; however, the myth of the “tough boy” may be what prevents boys from feeling their emotions and expressing them in anything other than the limited socially acceptable ways for boys: fighting and roughhousing. After all, “boys will be boys” and “boys don’t cry.”
This thinking that boys are emotionally thick-skinned is one reason why boys can grow to become men with MBPD.
Attachment
Attachment is one of the key developmental tasks facing a young child—basically, a child between the ages of birth to five. It happens to be one of those rare psychological terms that is actually self-explanatory. Beginning at or soon after birth, children become “attached” to others. They also can become “attached” to places and to objects.
The most common first attachment is to the mother, who is usually the first person to hold, cuddle, and nurture the newborn. However, attachment is not limited to the mother, but can include the infant’s father, as well as others who provide comfort and nurturance and who interact with the infant on a regular basis. The key to attachment appears to be nurturance and comfort. Attachments form the “home base” where a child feels safe and from which he or she will venture forth to discover and learn.
Abandonment, abuse, and rejection hold the potential to seriously undermine or disrupt attachments that are either being formed or that have already been formed. The same is true for parents whose behavior reflects ambivalence toward a child. In Paul’s case, described in the first chapter, his father left him at an early age and his mother remarried twice, each time to an abusive alcoholic. And she, at least according to Paul as well as his wife Meg, was not a model of consistent nurturance or comfort, perhaps as a consequence of her own alcoholism. She acted with ambivalence toward her son, protecting and nurturing him at some times, while abandoning or rejecting him at others. This parenting style breeds the kind of insecurity that is common among people with BPD. The sexual stereotypes just described, however, can make us “color blind” (or “gender blind”) so that we fail to see this cause-and-effect chain in boys as much as we are open to seeing it in girls.
When attachment becomes problematic the result can be long-term insecurity. That insecurity can manifest in several ways. First and foremost it can lead to what is called “free-floating anxiety.” This is a form of anxiety that more or less hovers over a person. They can tell you that they are anxious, but they typically can’t say what they are anxious about. You can also think of insecurity as a nagging feeling that the people you love won’t necessarily be there for you if you need them. Insecurity leads a person to be overly vigilant for any signs of rejection. In turn, the insecure person is slow to forgive a perceived rejection.
Insecurity can also be manifested in a fear of exploring the world, trying new activities, or taking risks. Along with this is a need for constant reassurance and a tendency to be clingy—these are all clearly evident in men with BPD.
Finally, abandonment, abuse, and rejection lead to self-hatred. Why? To put it simply, children are by their nature trusting and loving. Moreover, their formative experiences take place almost exclusively in the context of the parent-child relationship. Therefore, if they are neglected, rejected, or abused they are inclined to conclude that they are “bad” or “inferior,” as opposed to blaming their parent or caregiver for that. From their point of view, what else could explain their abuse or rejection, other than that they are somehow unlovable? Why else would their parent act with ambivalence toward them? This too was evident in Paul as an adult, for example when he would call himself “stupid” if he made a mistake, and when he would accuse his wife of feeling “superior.”
If their initial attachments are successful, children will be able to form additional attachments to significant others later on, with peers as well as with other influential adults in their lives, such as babysitters and day-care workers and, later, with teachers and coaches. I’ve met many people who can attest to how a teacher, a coach, a sibling, or other relative stepped up to the plate during their formative years and became that emotional anchor they needed.
I believe, as do many psychologists, that healthy attachments in childhood set the stage for satisfying, committed adult relationships that are not poisoned by insecurity. They lead to a positive self-image instead of one that is marred by self-hatred. Unhealthy or failed attachment, in contrast, sets the stage for precisely the insecurity and self-hatred that are the hallmarks of MBPD.
Not Just People
Children also become attached to objects, such as stuffed animals and blankets. They use these things as supplemental attachment objects. These items represent additional sources of comfort and companionship, particularly when human attachment figures are not readily available. All parents can attest to the various kinds of objects that their children become attached to, anything from a toy dragon to a stuffed kangaroo. Some families have heartwarming stories of their children’s attachment objects that were eventually packed up to accompany the “child” to college.
Adults, not just children, can also form attachments. Indeed, insecure people may be more inclined to do so than those who are relatively secure. This may include you, or someone you love.
What about Boys?
Our thinking about attachment may not be the same when it comes to boys, whom we are inclined to stereotype as rugged compared to girls. One mother, for example, expressed concern because, after she and her husband separated, their four-year-old son Tyler became attached to a doll named Sparkle.
Sparkle had long, dark brown, curly hair that glittered in the light—hence the name. This mother had originally gotten the doll for her older daughter, who was more or less indifferent to it and expressed no objections when Tyler appropriated it.
It was obvious that Sparkle was a source of comfort to Tyler, and that it was no coincidence that this new attachment followed closely on the heels of his father moving out of the house.
Tyler carried Sparkle with him constantly and would not go to sleep at night unless Sparkle was tucked in at his side. His mother’s concern was that Tyler might be ridiculed by other children for carrying a doll. This was a real possibility, especially if Tyler decided that he wanted to bring Sparkle with him to the day-care center his mother dropped him off at every morning on her way to work. To avoid that possibility I suggested that Sparkle be tucked into bed each morning, where she would spend the day waiting for Tyler to return.
Tyler maintained his attachment to Sparkle until he was six. Then, for some reason known only to Tyler, Sparkle was retired to a drawer beneath his bed. Tyler then began sleeping instead with a rubber snake and one or more stuffed dogs, which he’d begun collecting.
Tyler’s father kept in regular contact with him after the separation. Still, Tyler (more so than his sister) would cry inconsolably on occasion, saying that he missed his father. He also had occasional nightmares, the only cure for which was to sleep in his mother’s bed (with Sparkle at his side). His mother expressed surprise at this, saying that (for reasons she could not put into words) she’d expected her daughter to have the harder time. When I suggested that the reason might be an underlying assumption that boys were “tougher” than girls she thought for a moment, then nodded.
Because his parents accepted Tyler’s anxiety, and did what they could to comfort him, and also because Tyler was able to maintain his attachment to his father, his story had a happy ending. He was able to weather the storm created by his parents’ divorce. When it was time to start school he did so without
