part of it) in any particular way?
• Would you be upset if anyone changed the way you’d arranged objects in your life?
The above are all examples of attachments to places. One man I counseled, Tom, spoke fondly of a tree house he and an older brother had built as children. Tom had a strong attachment to his brother, as well as to his mother. Their father had been a gambling addict who’d abandoned the family when Tom was three, apparently as a way of fleeing his debts. Tom not only spent time with his brother in that tree house, which was complete with a shingled roof and screening to keep out insects, but also used it as a refuge. On hot summer nights he often slept in the tree house alone, reading by the light of a lantern until he fell asleep.
As adults we sometimes think of this form of attachment as nostalgia: as a simple longing for days gone by. But these attachments are real, not just wistful thinking. They contribute to that sense of safety and stability that children rely on as a “home base” from which to venture forth and explore the world. Frequent disruptions in these attachments provoke deep anxiety of the “free-floating” variety described earlier.
As you were growing up, did you form attachments to places, as well as people and objects? Were these attachments stable, or were they often broken? This frequently happens, for example, to boys who grew up in a series of foster homes, and it often occurs with little notice.
SUMMING UP
Although problems of attachment may not be the sole cause of BPD in men, I believe it is certain that they play a large role. Our tendency to view boys as tough and rugged—not just physically, but emotionally—can set them up to develop the traits and temperaments associated with MBPD. They in turn can internalize that stereotype and expect themselves to be impervious to traumatic experiences such as abandonment, abuse, and rejection. As they evolve into men these boys may well be blind to the connection between their earlier experiences and their adult personalities and problems of living.
MBPD: Misunderstood, Mistreated, Men
Imagine that you are a therapist and I refer a client to you using the following brief description:
Dear Dr. Jones:
Thank you for agreeing to meet with Chris, who is thirty years old. Chris currently works full-time as a graphic designer while also taking graduate courses evenings and weekends toward an advanced degree, and hopes to eventually secure a teaching position in a community college.
Chris reports a history of severe difficulty in relationships, specifically feeling “let down” and “taken advantage of” on several occasions. Chris also reports some trouble controlling emotions and apparently can “swing” from intense depression to intense anger rather quickly. This also often happens in the context of relationship conflict. As a teen, Chris reports having engaged in some minor “cutting” behavior when stressed, though this stopped a few years ago. Since then, however, Chris admits to drinking heavily when under stress or when feeling depressed. Chris was prescribed an antidepressant one year ago and though the medication is taken as prescribed, Chris does not feel that it has helped much. Accordingly, I am referring Chris for counseling with you.
What is your first impression: Is “Chris,” as described in the above “referral”:
• A thirty-year-old woman, or
• A thirty-year-old man?
Take a moment to read the following:
I have long wondered what was wrong with me. I have intense emotional swings where I can go from being angry to almost giddy in a flash, or else fall into a deep depression. I can’t seem to tell what triggers these mood swings, though they sometimes seem to control my life and cause a lot of trouble for me in relationships.
I am sensitive and creative, and I’ve always worn my feelings on my sleeve, as they say. I cry easily, both in joy and sadness, and also have these weird episodes of anger. I’ve been told I am thin-skinned and often take words or feelings personally that others say aren’t intended that way.
What do you think? Is this a woman or a man describing him- or herself?
The overwhelming majority of people who read these statements tend to believe they were penned by a woman who is describing herself. In fact, they are the statements made by a man.
In the case of the imaginary referral above, this same bias emerged when a group of fifty-two professionals working in a mental health agency in California were asked to make a provisional diagnosis of a patient—identified as either male or female—based on a description of his or her symptoms. These professionals were unable to accurately diagnose the presence of Borderline Personality Disorder in men despite the fact that the symptoms were exactly the same in the two descriptions. In other words, these clinicians, as experienced and well trained as they may have been, were essentially “color blind” when it came to seeing BPD in men versus women.
What is the source of this bias, and why is it important?
Buying into Sexual Stereotypes: Tomboys and Sissies
The bias that leads people to think that the previous examples describe a woman instead of a man have their roots in the sexual stereotypes that were the subject of the last chapter, namely the idea that boys (and men) are inherently rugged and resilient, whereas girls (and women) are inherently delicate and sensitive. One doesn’t have to look far to find visual and written reflections of these stereotypes. They are conjured, for example, in the “reality” television series about men who make a living catching alligators with their bare hands from a rowboat, or by mining in the harshest reaches of the earth, or by shouting abuse at employees of their restaurant kitchens. We see this type in television ads for trucks and in movie characters such as Iron Man or The Incredible Hulk (who has a stereotypically “male” way of expressing anger)—“Hulk smash!” Even the socially prominent CEO in his custom suit lords it over his workers, and relishes snapping out, “You’re fired!” without a trace of sensitivity. These men, society seems to say, are “real men.”
Traditionally, female characters were not allowed to exhibit behaviors like the above and still be considered “real women.” Instead, they were portrayed as the “hooker with the heart of gold” as in Pretty Woman, or the “manic pixie dream girl,” as bubbly, eccentric, and elusive as Holly Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany’s, or as the nurturing and motherly Mrs. Weasley of Harry Potter fame.
Our culture is beginning, though, to accept more active, competitive, and “tough” female characters. In recent years images of strong and resilient women have increasingly appeared. Consider, for instance, Ellen Ripley in the Alien films, Lisbeth Salander in the book/film The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, or the youthful heroine Katniss Everdeen in the book/film Hunger Games. Similarly, women’s competitive sports are increasingly evident on television. Although it is safe to say that even today, women athletes are presented as less aggressive than, say, male football players. Women basketball and tennis players are just as competitive as their male counterparts, but are still frequently the subject of attention as much for their appearance and personalities as for their aggressiveness.
Generally, though, women today seem to have a larger variety of models to follow, and more types of ways to be a “real woman.”
