hated her mood swings. We all did. She probably should have been on medication or in therapy, but those things weren’t common back then.
“I think Father disappeared during her tirades because he couldn’t tolerate her fury and probably wanted to save his own neck. I never forgave him for not standing up to her or protecting us. I remember praying I could escape. I swore that once I left, I would never come back to that house of misery.”
For the first time, I had some inkling of the emotional abuse that Anne and her sisters had suffered. Anne seemed relieved to be telling her story. After a reflective pause, I asked her to tell me more about her mother.
“Mother came from an abusive background herself, but it was hard to take pity on her because she was so cruel. Her mother was an alcoholic and believed in corporal punishment, and her father remained distant and absorbed in his work. Mother never spoke much about her past. Everything was about her needs, and we were all little extensions of her. Our accomplishments became about her, and she expected perfection. We were well-mannered and well-dressed, got good grades, and took all kinds of lessons before money became an issue.
“My baby sister, Kathryn, was Mother’s favorite and got treated with kid gloves. Ashley, one year my junior, kept to herself and remained under Mother’s radar, for the most part. She lives in North Carolina now with her family. Margaret, the eldest, helped my mother with all of us but eloped at eighteen and moved to California. Beth was nearly two years older than me. She and I were Mother’s main targets. I think we reminded her of her side of the family, and for some reason she hated us for that. Except for Kathryn, we all took turns on the hot seat, but Beth won the prize for being punished the most. No one called it abuse in those days, but Mother’s behavior certainly qualified.”
“Tell me more about Beth,” I asked.
Anne’s eyes welled up. “It still hurts every time I think about Beth. She was a good sister and we were close. We were partners in crime, even though we seldom dared to deliberately do anything wrong. Beth covered for me when she could. Unwisely, she bucked Mother’s authority. Beth pretended to be tough, like she wasn’t affected by Mother’s cruelty, but it was an act. Mother got to her in a big way.”
Retreating into the Darkness
“Beth aligned herself with Father, even though he wasn’t around much. After a while, he wasn’t around at all. We were all teenagers, except for Kathryn, who was only four when Father left. We all felt deserted, but Beth took it the hardest. Her world began to unravel. She shut down and retreated into the darkness.”
“What do you mean, ‘She retreated into the darkness’?”
“Beth was Father’s favorite, and when he left, she was devastated. Beth felt deeply rejected by his abandonment, and she knew that there was no longer any illusion of safety from Mother.”
Several minutes of silence passed, and I asked Anne, “Can you tell me a little more about your father?”
“I think he loved us but couldn’t handle Mother’s rage. He used to say, ‘I just want peace, love, and harmony.’ It was sweet the way he would say it, but he really felt that way. We looked like the perfect family when we went to church on Sundays. No one ever would have guessed the hell that went on at home.
“I think Father began having an affair, as he disappeared for longer and longer stretches of time. Mother’s mood swings, especially after Kathryn was born, must have pushed him over the edge. I was about ten when Kathryn was born. The crazier Mother got, the more Father disappeared, until he finally bailed.
“In the end, he probably just saved himself by leaving. He wanted to stay connected to us, but he didn’t want to negotiate visitation with Mother. That same year, Margaret eloped. Beth and I were in high school. Ashley was in her last year of middle school, and Kathryn was in preschool. It was the end of an era.”
“That must have been so difficult for all of you. How did you feel about your father’s leaving?”
“I hated him. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive him for leaving us alone with Mother. He would call, write letters apologizing, and repeatedly proclaim his love for us. He even told us he loved our mother. He just couldn’t handle her unpredictable tantrums. I never took his calls or responded to his letters. I could not understand how he chose to put his own needs first. It still infuriates me.”
Being deserted by a parent can have devastating effects on children of any age. It leaves a deep wound that needs to be healed. Talking about the abandonment and understanding its effects are vital parts of resolving the losses and the accompanying emotions such as shock, confusion, guilt, fear, rage, and grief that a child experiences. It is not uncommon for the abandoned child to become depressed and suffer low self-esteem. This kind of loss can lead to feelings of distrust, resentment, and anger that often carry into adulthood.
In subsequent sessions, Anne shared how much she had been thinking and dreaming about her family, Beth, and her father’s departure.
Anne continued, “Not long after they divorced, Father remarried. Mother had to sell our beautiful home, and we moved to a small rented house, where Beth and I shared a room. Because of finances, I had to cut back on dance and piano lessons, which had always been my salvation. Mother went to work as a secretary and struggled to make ends meet. I knew that she felt enormous shame that our Father walked out on her and that our lifestyle had to change so drastically. We seldom went to church anymore or did things as a family. Mother’s moods became even more precarious. Publicly, however, she always put on her red lipstick and a smile. Mother prided herself on her beauty, with good reason. No one had a clue what lurked behind that gorgeous face of hers.”
Each of her sisters managed in her own way. Anne silenced her voice, hid her thoughts and feelings, and did as she was told. She made a conscious decision to remain stoic in the face of the drama. She told me, “I remember repeatedly saying to myself, ‘She can’t hurt me if I remain invisible.’”
Beth, on the other hand, spoke back to her mother and pretended not to care when she was punished. In reality she was quite vulnerable. Anne became terrified when Beth challenged their mother. Although Beth managed to put up a good front to appear fearless at sixteen, her façade slowly crumbled after their father left, and depression set in.
Coming Undone
As Anne described her past she said, “I think we were all depressed, but Beth was the most depressed. All she wanted to do was find Father and live with him. When she realized that would never happen, she began to shut down. She used to cry herself to sleep. Sometimes I would crawl into bed with her, just to hold her. She was so sad, and Mother remained oblivious and kept doing a number on her. Sometimes Beth would say that she had nothing to live for. I thought I knew what she meant, but I never realized she was capable of hurting herself.
“Junior year, Beth’s academic performance began to decline, and Mother was all over her for that, as if that would help her perform better in school. Then, first semester of senior year, she failed two courses and was told she wouldn’t be able to graduate on time. Beth freaked and didn’t know what to do. She told me she couldn’t handle Mother finding out or staying home another year. She became desperate. I told her that she could endure whatever punishments Mother meted out and that I would help her. Beth shut down completely, even with me.”
Anne’s face flushed and tears began to flow. After a few moments, she composed herself, and I reminded her to breathe and waited for her to continue.
“Several days later, I came home from school and went into the basement, where I sometimes studied to get
