five of these breaths once or twice daily.
Anne followed my instructions, and her breathing deepened and became slightly more rhythmic. Still, she coughed and squirmed a bit in her seat as she practiced. At our next session, I decided to show her “constructive rest,” an antigravity position that helps put abdominal breathing into action in the most natural way possible, by lying in a supine position. I knew that Anne would eventually learn abdominal breathing by having all of these methods at her disposal.
Constructive Rest
“Another good way to learn abdominal breathing is to get into the ‘constructive-rest’ position,” I suggested. “If you’re okay with this, I’d like you to lie on the floor mat.” I handed her a small pillow to support her neck and a couple of larger ones to place beneath her knees.
After an awkward silence, Anne agreed to lie on the mat and I helped her place the pillows. “Now, put one hand on your lower belly, the other on your chest, and think about breathing abdominally and sending the oxygen to your belly. Remind yourself to breathe in fully and exhale fully. Imagine that as your breath deepens, your muscles relax, your body lengthens, and your chest and abdomen expand.”
Anne’s breath immediately began to deepen, and I noticed a shift in her facial muscles. The lines in her forehead began to smooth and her jaw released. Her eyes softened, her delicate hands loosened their grip, and she seemed more at ease, more present. I reminded her to watch the rise and fall of her belly. “Remember to breathe out completely, because relaxation occurs on the exhalation.”
Anne’s eyes began to water, and I asked if she wanted to talk about what was going on. “No, but it seems like I understand how you are telling me to breathe and I’m more aware of feeling certain emotions when I breathe this way. I’m not sure this will necessarily be good for me, but I’m willing to try.”
Constructive-Rest Strategy
Lie down on your back on a firm surface.
Keep your knees bent and feet on the floor about hip width apart.
Support your head with a small pillow or rolled-up towel.
Bend your arms at the elbow and rest your hands on your belly or by your sides.
Relax your muscles, scanning from the top of your head to your toes.
Think about “letting go” rather than engaging any of your muscles.
Focus on abdominal breathing, which happens easily in this antigravity position.
Observe the rise and fall of your belly as you breathe.
Allow your body to lengthen and expand.
Rest in this position for five to twenty minutes once or twice daily.
Notice how you feel after each session.
Constructive rest, sometimes called “active rest,” is a good position for learning the abdominal or three-part breath. However, you want to get to the point where you are able to practice these belly-breathing methods while sitting, standing, or walking. Ten to twenty minutes of practice yields mental, physical, and emotional benefits. While constructive rest is a relaxation technique unto itself, it is also beneficial as a prelude to sleep or when having difficulty remaining asleep.
As we ended the session, I gave Anne the assignment of breathing in the constructive-rest position for ten to twenty minutes, once a day. “Notice what comes to mind during these practice sessions. We don’t have to talk about the thoughts or feelings that arise unless you want to. Just pay attention to whatever you experience.”
Anne and I spent the next weeks working on her breathing, improving her ability to relax, and talking about her strained relationship with Justin as he continued to shun her attempts to connect. I suggested that she back off for now, as her hovering was probably exacerbating his anger and resentment.
Anne glared at me, her face flushing. “How do I stop caring for my son? How do I stop worrying about his safety and well-being? You are asking me to let go of the most important part of my life. Nothing matters to me as much as my family, and I’m worried about Justin.”
I gently reminded her that Justin was in good hands with his therapist and that he needed to get help from someone other than her right now. “It is not that he doesn’t love you,” I reassured her. “He just has to figure out for himself what is going on, how to build friendships, and what his next steps are after high school. Some of this will involve you and Stephen, but much of it he needs to do on his own and within the framework of his peer group. He will come back to you in time. In the meantime, it would be useful for you to focus on your own needs and how to make this time in your life more gratifying.”
Anne admitted that paying attention to her own needs had never been a priority. “My mother taught me that thinking too much about myself was selfish and unbecoming.”
“Tell me more,” I encouraged her.
In an instant, Anne shut down again, as if I’d crossed an invisible line. Her resistance to speaking about her inner world concerned me, but I decided that if we kept working on the relaxation techniques, she would begin to trust me enough to open up and share more of her story. Either way, the skills she was learning would serve her well.
The next time I met with Anne, something about her seemed different. I asked how her week had gone.
“I practiced breathing in the constructive-rest position at least once a day, sometimes twice,” she said. “At first, it took effort just to get myself into position. After a few days, I began looking forward to my time to lie down, relax, and just focus on breathing. I’ve definitely begun to enjoy the constructive rest.” She smiled warmly and told me that long ago she used to enjoy practicing yoga.
I asked Anne if she wanted to talk about anything in particular. “Yes,” she said. “Justin began his support group and likes the other kids so far. Stephen and I bought him a cell phone, and he seems to be connecting with more of his peers. For the first time in almost two years, he’s been talking to me. I’m so relieved.”
“That’s great,” I replied. “Anything else?”
“Well, as you know, I’ve been smoking most of my life to relax and unwind. Now that I’ve been practicing the breathing, even when I go outside to smoke, the stench seems to permeate the house. The breathing is giving me something positive to focus on when I need to relax, rather than instantly reaching for a cigarette. I’ve been cutting back. A number of times, I chose not to smoke and instead got myself into the constructive-rest position. It definitely helps. Other times, when I’m on autopilot, I go for the smoke. Sometimes I want to go numb, and smoking does that for me. I need to rethink the way I care for myself. Clearly, I haven’t been very good at it. This is such difficult work for me, but I’m committed to doing whatever it takes to feel healthier and better about myself.”
Anne adjusted her posture as she sat on the couch; she still looked fragile and tired, but more approachable. Her breathing seemed more fluid
