thousand Hwan.’
‘That’s not bad, is it?’
‘Besides, we get a quarterly bonus of the full amount.’ He thoughtfully nodded his head.
The seat for two on the bus was not quite big enough to be comfortable. We sat side by side, our shoulders touching. I felt as if I could feel his warmth coming through my layers of clothes, but soon I realized that I was the only one who was so self-conscious. With his eyes fixed on the view through the window and his hands on his lap, one on top of the other, he sat correct and upright. Outside was mile upon mile of barley, the blades of leaves sparkling in the bright sun. When the breeze rose and ruffled them, they fell flat on one side and then the other, ripples of green waves through which our bus sped like a speedboat.
In no time we were at the beach. He arranged me in various poses and clicked his camera. The tide was low. In silence we walked over the sand toward the water’s edge. It made me think of travellers setting off towards the far horizon, long, lonely shadows dragging behind them. He was very attentive to my moods. When I was just thinking of a rest, he stopped and made me sit against a large rock facing the sea, pressed the shutter once again and then came and sat beside me.
Far out the tide had turned. Myriad of seagulls hovered over it. In a rhythm of ‘pull, rest, smash!’, ‘pull, rest, smash!’ the waves surged and shattered like explosives. We sat in silence, each in their own thoughts. Mine dwelled on the love and wondered whether it did not resemble the waves, in its force and its single passion. Once started rolling it won’t stop half way. It will go on and on until it reaches the shore and smashes itself.
In no time the water was almost below our feet. He stood, took a step closer to it and mumbled as if to himself, ‘The water that ebbed is flowing back but...’
‘You mean ’the one who departed is not?’’
‘Sukey, you are too clever for me!’ I rose and stood beside him and we both took a deep breath. It was a full tide.
‘Sukey.’
‘Yes?’
‘I’ve decided on something.’
‘What thing?’
‘Not to think about her anymore.’
‘It is not the sort of thing that you can do or not do at will, is it?’
‘What I mean is that the face I have remembered everyday for the past three years has recently become blurry. Even if I try hard to evoke it, I cannot bring it back.’
A silence fell. I thought of the poor woman. Then he said, ‘It is thanks to you that I am beginning to live my life.’
‘Oh, no,’ I thought, ‘He is going to propose.’ His face was tense as it was yesterday, at the temple. I knew I was in love but I was not ready to make a decision right there and then.
‘We are going to miss the bus if we don’t hurry.’ I gathered up my handbag and the litter from our snack. Without any fuss or protest, he followed me.
‘It has been a lovely day. Thank you, Mr Kwŏn.’ I knew we had got over another dangerous moment. We were now happily chattering about trivial things.
He said, ‘You must be fond of the colour of the sea. I like your dress. I often think of you in that sea-blue ch'ima and jogori at the hotel. It reminded me of a kingfisher skimming over cool and clear water.’ He went on, ‘There was a lake not far from my college in the States. My professor often took me there for a drive or on a picnic. There was this beautiful water bird. It used to dart about over the surface of the water making merry, chirping sounds. It had feathers of that colour.’ Again about the States. I was dying to ask him what he studied, and where, and how long but refrained in case he thought I was too inquisitive. I smiled to myself as I remembered what a goose he had been at the hotel in his white and blue striped pyjamas.
We stopped briefly to turn round and cast a last glance to the sea.
‘Sukey.’
‘Yes?’
‘How old are you?’
‘Twenty-four. What about you?’
‘Thirty-one.’ Then we looked at each other and burst into laughter. Thirty-one. Suddenly the thought of my brother, Hyŏngsŏk came to mind. He would be just that.
7 April. We are now confessed lovers. This is how I had wished it to be. He leaves for Pusan tomorrow. Before he went, I had hoped, we should make some kind of binding pledge tonight. I am too excited to write down what happened today.
When he phoned me during the morning I expressed my strong wish to see him off at the station after work tomorrow and he said he would change his plan so as to leave at seven-thirty in the evening. But when we met after work, he apologized that after all he had to go in the morning as he would be with his mother and she had already bought two plane tickets. I am afraid I can’t think kindly towards her. She sounds a bossy, mischief-maker, and keeps him under her thumb. Of course I told him I did not mind not seeing him off. Unfortunately the Board meeting that had started at four-thirty dragged on until seven-thirty and it was not until nearly eight that I was with him. After dinner, a farewell dinner, we went out to the Han River by taxi and walked along the sandy beach. After a group of late fishermen had collected their tackle and gone, we were the only ones left on that vast shore. Like two dreamers we walked hand in hand, vaguely, towards the lights from the houses in a distant village on the other side of the river. The damp air rising from it felt quite chilly as I was wearing only a thin spring dress.
‘Sukey, aren’t you cold?’ He lightly touched my cheek.
‘No, I am alright, thank you,’ said I but somehow I stepped closer to him and into his arm. From then on we walked with our arms round each other’s waists. He again spoke of how he wished his body was purer, and asked me what I thought about love and whether I thought one should be allowed to love for the second time? I knew what he meant. He wanted my approval for his second chance to love. I had never thought about it much but words just tumbled out. ‘Of course one can love for the second time, the third or even the fourth. Why ever not? I’m sure love is not a matter of the past or future. It is whether or not you love someone now; whether you can wholeheartedly keep faith with the one you love, a matter of conscience perhaps...’ He did not wait for me to finish but gathered me in his arms and kissed me. In accepting this I felt as if a large column that had propped me up until now collapsing and, leaving a huge hole. As if to fill up that emptiness I attached myself tightly to him for a long time.
‘I feel worthless and shameless to ask this but will you marry me?’ he said and without a moment’s hesitation I nodded my consent. I had well prepared myself for this. By doing so I have sealed my life!
We must have walked for miles. The lights that once looked so far away were now just opposite us on the other side of the water. We could have gone in a state of daze. I was dimly beginning to think it must be very late. Suddenly a sharp breeze from the river came and slapped me on the cheek. I pulled away from him. ‘Let’s go home, I’m scared.’
‘What are you scared of? We have plenty of time,’ he protested and sounded irritated. ‘And it is the last night before we see each other again!’ But I shook myself free. ‘I am going to catch my death of cold!’ I started off towards the embankment.
Come
