when we bade our final goodbye, with less certainty than earlier, something about sorting out some business in Pusan and coming back to marry me very soon. I don’t know what to do. I am all in a flutter. Even though I am thrilled I am sure I am not ready for an early marriage. Still we can think it over, can’t we? It is my daily blessing to water and see the pointed buds of the lilies of the valley push their way through, a little bit bigger each day, like the promise of bright and happy days.
9 April. I am a fallen woman. Let the world laugh and mock at me!
Yesterday, when I got to the office, Suyŏn handed me the phone and said, ‘It is the fourth call for you, always the same voice.’ She seemed to sense it was something special and left the room.
‘I knew you weren’t be there yet, but I wanted to hear your voice so much that I have been ringing you since I woke up. Silly, aren’t I?’ He chuckled. ‘I am just about to leave for the airport.’
We had gone over everything that we had to last night. I didn’t know what to say except ‘Take care of yourself, and please keep in touch. Goodbye.’
Ten minutes later the phone rang. It was him again. ‘Mother is not quite ready. I just wanted to say that I love you so much. I can’t bear to leave you. Shall I not go?’
I was touched but thought him unmanly. ‘Don’t be silly. You sound like a little boy.’ But when he actually put the phone down saying that his mother was just coming out, I was sad and held onto the receiver as if expecting to hear his gentle voice still vibrating.
When two hours later he phoned yet again I was taken aback. He was being ridiculous, I thought. We have made a pledge to each other and we know that we’ll meet again soon – what is there for him to be so restless about. He said he had something important to talk over with me. So, at the airport he parted from his mother and came back. I felt a momentary disillusionment. One can be infatuated when in love but this was going too far. I also felt ashamed about what had happened the night before by the River Han. When I see him tonight, I thought, I would suggest that we ought to calm down a bit and carry on our love in a more dignified and rational manner as befits intellectuals.
On the other hand I was uneasy about the ‘important matter’ he was referring to. What could be so important that he should go as far as to cancelling his flight? I was again detained at work. So it was nearly eight o’clock when I met him at the appointed restaurant. When we had ordered our meal, he started by saying, ‘I was nearly trapped into my mother’s plot.’ Behind his back apparently, she had been arranging his marriage to the daughter of a business tycoon in Pusan. It had been his mother’s intention to introduce her to him in the evening. As his mother sensed something was going on between us, he had guessed, she might plan some mischief against me. He had to warn me of this in person. He would go to Pusan tomorrow to sort out a few things, staying away from his mother, and come back on the 12th to discuss our marriage arrangements.
I felt as if I had been hit on the head with a hammer.
‘Our love and trust in each other will win in the end, blah, blah, blah’ he went on talking something like this but I couldn’t hear a word. When I recovered my senses I felt bitter. So, his mother is against me, is that what he’s saying? Am I not good enough to be his wife, a second wife? Who does she think she is? How dare she? Outrage made me feel like screaming but I kept a calm face. Why, in the first place, had he not introduced me to her before he made any advances? I had so much to say but words failed to come out.
‘Mother produced this out of her handbag on the way to the airport.’ He handed me a photograph, the size of a visiting card, of a beautiful woman. It was rubbing salt into my injury. My hand shook with jealousy on top of the outrage. I was dying to hurt him to the quick by words or deeds or both as revenge for my pain. I handed it back to him and said very calmly and clearly, ‘That’s the best thing that can happen to you. I haven’t the slightest inclination to enter into competition with this woman or fight your stupid mother. Goodbye.’
I walked out of the restaurant and briskly and blindly set off down the road ahead me. When it turned out to be the way to the River, I sharply changed my direction to shake off the memories of last night and took another course. I don’t know how many turnings I had taken before I found myself going in the direction of Tonamdong. When I was close to home, I turned back again. I had been weeping and could not go home with a tear-stained face. I had been aware of his footsteps behind me for some time now. When I veered into a cul-de-sac they quickened and as he snatched me into his arms I broke down and cried.
‘I didn’t know you were as weak as this,’ he said. ‘As long as we are sure of our love, what is there to be afraid of?’
I was calm when we resumed our walk. He talked about various possibilities about our future, living away from his mother. For instance we could go and live in Cheju Island. A close friend of his is running a large dairy farm there and would welcome him any day as a business partner.
‘But you must be starving, silly girl,’ he said. Indeed I was. I was cold too, my teeth were chattering. We went into a shabby soup place, which was about to close for the night. We ate a bowl of meat soup each. When we came out the preliminary siren for the curfew was sounding. He caught a taxi just rushing by. I leaned on his shoulder and closed my eyes. It dropped us in front of a hotel. I could not believe my eyes. The prolonged shriek of the siren for the curfew shook the black night. With a keen grasp of the situation, like a well-trained dog, the waiter said there was just one room unoccupied. Once in the room and the door was locked from the inside the inevitable took place. I could not blame him entirely but I was certain that we disgraced ourselves. It was not a proper way to go about love. My lofty pride was thrown down onto the ground and trodden on. I was quietly weeping but at least I was sure of one thing – nothing could now separate me from him.
This morning I was too ashamed to face the world let alone my colleagues. I sent in a message that I was unwell and came home. I had to invent a lie for my sister. I told her that his mother and sister were so keen to meet me that I went to his house, enjoyed myself very much and did not realize how the time went until the curfew siren went.
A face floated before my eyes all day. It has superseded the entire world. What would I not give to have it by me now. In the afternoon I went to see Miae. We hadn’t seen each other since her engagement party on 30th March. She was wild with delight when she saw me.
‘What a super surprise! You’re still alive then? What wind brings you here?’
‘Silly cow! Who’s talking? Why couldn’t you drop in while you were in town? Anyway, that was a splendid party, wasn’t it?‘
‘Did you enjoy it? Thanks a million for all the things you did for me that day.’ We heartily enjoyed our reunion.
‘How is Mr Han? Has he got a job yet?’
‘Yes, at X Bank. He’s just started – last Monday.’
‘That’s good.’ I took off my shoes and entered the room, which seemed to have been converted to a sewing room. A middle-aged seamstress from the country was deftly turning the wheel of the sewing machine.
‘What’s all this? You haven’t even fixed the wedding day yet, have you?’
‘Well, I’d like it to be in the autumn but apparently his mother wants to have it done before May. In any case, my mother thinks it would be best to have everything ready in good time.’
We walked upstairs and stood on the verandah overlooking the garden with its thriving shrubs and trees. Her father’s transport business must be thriving to have
