that I became even closer to him and resolved that no amount of suffering or even death could separate us now.
‘Sukey,’ he called as he held my face in his palms and looked into my eyes. ‘By telling you this I am putting my life in your hands.’ He went on looking into my eyes.
‘Do I not look forlorn?’
Yes, he did look forlorn and pitiable. He made me think of a deer having a momentary rest behind a rock, after losing its mate on a hunt and still being chased by the hunter. His eyes were filled with fear and loneliness. I nodded. The lingering emotion from the poem I had read a minute ago made my heart ache. It echoed like the sobbing of a soul that had been separated from its loved ones, roaming in a dark valley of desolation, and cherishing a remote dream. Then it crossed my mind. Could he be? I shot at him a questioning look.
‘That’s right,’ he said. ‘I am a lonely man with no family. My home is in Hamhŭng in the North, My real name is Changho Yu.’
My heart missed a beat but I did not show him my surprise or embarrassment. I am known to be cheerful and tomboyish, but when faced with a crisis or a shock I am extremely calm and self-possessed. That is my peculiar characteristic. I calmly heard him through to the end.
He is the only son of a high-ranking government minister in North Korea. His family had lived in Seoul before the country was liberated from Japan in 1945. In that year he graduated from Kyŏng-gi High school. After that his family went North. There he studied law at the Kim Ilsung University and went to Moscow University where he gained a Master’s degree. He was noted as a capable man by the Central Communist Party and eventually appointed a leading figure in an underground operation in the South. He was not keen but knew he had no choice. If he had refused to go he would be killed anyway. So why behave in a cowardly way? When it was finally decided, his intellectual mother, a graduate of the Japanese Women’s University, went for a month without food or sleep.
His father, a strict disciplinarian from the army told him at the last moment, ‘Changho, your country demands this of you. If you save your life in a cowardly manner, you are not my son, remember that.’ In the previous year, he had entered the South through Inchŏn, leading a group of three men, all of his age. He had successfully completed his mission. It had been fairly easy. His only remaining task had been a safe return. Then he saw me, fell in love at the first sight and decided to give up the idea of going back.
‘I went to Pusan and bade a final farewell of my colleagues. If only I had got into that jeep, I would be home by now. They were very fond of me, like a big brother. To the last minute they pleaded with me to change my mind but I said “no”.’ His large, expressive eyes closed as he said, ‘When the jeep started moving, strong-willed as I am, I could not help tears rising to my eyes.’
By now I had come to fully realize the situation. I was having an affair with a spy. Fear gripped me. I was shaking despite my effort to be calm. He went on to explain his position. As for his own security he was absolutely confident. He belonged to an extreme elite group completely different from those that had infiltrated spies in the past.
‘They are blind idiots. It beats me how they can be so stupid. To send down spies in chains in a time like this. If one is caught, the rest are bound to be hauled up like a net of fish,’ he said contemptuously. ‘I won’t tell you the details because if I did, it would only upset your sensitive nature and cause you unnecessary distress. Just trust me. I would not have started this if there was the slightest risk.’ He went on, ‘The most important thing is that we have left no clues behind whatsoever, not so much as the tip of a hair.’
I had no wish to know anything about it. On the verge of a nervous breakdown as I was, I felt I needed protection from knowing one more fact. I weakly smiled to myself as the phrase formed in my mind, ‘Blessed are the ignorant for they shall be spared of worries.’
He was also sure that his financial position was fairly good. The remaining fund from their operation amounted to some five million Hwan, which was in the hands of some practitioners of Chinese medicine in the form of the medicinal material. He could draw on it gradually as time went by. Then one day the country will be reunited, he believed, within three or four years at the most. It has got to come in one way or the other, or the country in a state of strangulation as it is, will just fade away.
‘There, I have told you all. I feel such a great relief. I have long wanted to be delivered from such a dreadful life. All I wanted was to lead an ordinary family life with a good wife like you. However, I won’t blame you if you report on me.’ Whether he noticed my nervousness or not he went on, ‘You are all to me. I don’t mind dying so much. Just that I have had you for a few days makes me the happiest of men.’
Then something crossed my mind. According to his account I must be the only woman who knew him in the whole realm. Who was that woman who rang me yesterday? I told him about it expecting he’d be surprised but he gave his charming chuckle.
‘Ah, that. I arranged it. She’s the maid at the inn where I am lodging at the moment. I hope to stay on there, you see. It was a way of proving my identity.’ I must say, I was impressed by his meticulous planning.
A long silence fell. As though even the birds were tired of calling to each other, the entire wood was as quiet as death. The only sound was the rhythmic booming of my heart. It was the sound of the engine of a ship that was about to sail and change the course of my fate regardless of my own will and wishes.
I closed my eyes. I was to listen to the voice of my conscience and to decide on the course of my action from now on.
As an individual, I have lived a very happy life. I certainly belonged to the privileged class in my country. At school I was a studious, exemplary pupil; at work an exemplary employee working hard and conscientiously; and in society a law-abiding, responsible citizen. Along with all these favourable conditions, I passionately love my country. The patriotism that has been bred into me ever since my childhood flows through my arteries never ceasing. Would I ever dare to commit a deed that betrays my motherland? A spy, an enemy against my country – could I love such a man?
I opened my eyes disturbed by a rustle. A squirrel had come up from somewhere and was staring at us from just a yard away, probably puzzling out whether we were some still objects or living things. We had been that still. I looked up at him. Expressionless, his eyes and face showed he was very tired.
‘Poor man!’ I was overcome by a sudden upsurge of emotion of pity.
‘Even spies must have basic human goodness and conscience.’ I began with this hypothesis. He has his beloved mother and father back in his home. How much he must have missed them, especially his mother who went without food or sleep for a month for the worry of her beloved son. On autumn nights when the moon was bright and the crickets cried all through the night did he not cry himself to sleep for the love of his mother? Knowing perfectly well what kind of punishment awaits him in this country, he chose to remain here for his new-found love’s sake. What a fairy-tale-like story!
What will become of him if I now abandon him? There is no doubt that I love him. We are not, by origin, aliens to be afraid of each other. Due to an unnatural division of the nation we now belong to opposite camps but surely this is not going to last long. One day soon we will be one nation and we could be lawfully married husband and wife. He says he is completely freed from his past commitment. Our love for one another can be in no way against human conscience. Apart from the political past, we can establish a happy relationship.
‘You can’t undo what has been done, but are you sure that you won’t be swept into it again?’ This is the only guarantee I wanted of him at the present.
‘I
