weight room” I say. Fuck I was actually counting on Tuna to be there for the seminars and I was looking forward to having him participate at the training sessions too. Now it may just be me and the coconut heads.
“Hoi, I supposed to meet Nely at Lonestar ten minutes ago. I gotta go. Shoot shoots” he says, running out of the gym.
Tuna is flipping through the current issue of Marine Drive Magazine and there on page 19 of the nightlife section is a picture of two girls with me sitting in the middle of them.
“I met her at C'est La Vie” I say.
“C’est La Vie? Eh, what you did, jus poke squid for three weeks I stay off island?” he asks, throwing the magazine into the cab of his truck, slamming the door shut and laughing. We are parked on the roof of Kmart, the world’s largest Kmart, because Tuna wants to pick up a few DVD’s on the way home. He called me as I was leaving the gym to ask if I want to come over to his house for a BBQ. The thought of the BBQ, the kelaguen, the ahi poke and all the other local foods had my mouth watering. Fuck yes I want to go! Tuna asked me to meet him on the roof of the world’s largest Kmart. At first I thought he was joking, but there really is a parking lot on the roof of Kmart and from what I can tell, it probably is the largest Kmart in the world. Walking down the stairs from the rooftop parking lot to the entrance of the store, I begin telling him about how I met Claire Chung.
“It was the week of the seminar. Remember that I told you that Mr. Universe, Marcus Crevas was coming to Guam? Well his manager, Chester Springfield was here too and that guy likes to party. So Mr. Saru took all of us clubbing. We went to Kitano Zaka and G Spot, but I met those girls in the picture at the Cest La Vie Karaoke Club” I say.
“Hoi, Cest La Vie is one ‘buy-me-drinky’ bar. My mom’s friend, Natasha Tran owns it. She is the mamason” he says.
“Tuna, I know what type of bar it is and I met the mamason. Natasha knows me” I say.
“Yah? Natasha know me too! Shoots, she wen kick me out one time” he says laughing. “Was one time my mom asked me to get one snake off the gate in front of Natasha’s house. When I get there Natasha give me one empty cookie tin for catch it. She was on her way to C’est La Vie an left me the tin and say to catch the snake. Shoots, I catch one snake for her and then go sing karaoke with my cousin. We was singing in one private room so Natasha asked one of the bartenders if I had come into the club. Bartender told her “Yah, Eddie Matuna is here singing karaoke and he brought some cookies for you.” Hoi, nevah hear one mamason yell so much an kick me out. Made me take the cookie tin too” he says laughing. “Eh it was empty, I already threw the snake into the jungle before I even wen go C’est La Vie” he says walking into Kmart.
“Wow, it’s crowded in here, a lot of people are at Kmart on a Friday night” I say.
“Always crowded here Friday night” Tuna says, taking a hand basket from the stack inside the door. He walks past the food court onto the main floor with me following him into the labyrinth of the world’s largest Kmart. The shopping cart traffic is thick, carts pushed by erratic shoppers with no regard for my feet. After walking past aisle after aisle after aisle through the maze of merchandise, a huge selection of stereos, television sets, household supplies, garden supplies, groceries, clothes and electronics, I almost knock over a floor to ceiling pyramid of SPAM while jumping out of the way of crazed shopper.
“Eh, get out the way, Umbre!” Tuna says laughing at me as he adds five cans of SPAM to his basket.
“Damn Tuna! Why is this SPAM pyramid the same size as the great pyramid at Giza? There is no way they can sell this much SPAM” I say.
“Laña umbre, Chamorro eat more SPAM than anybody” he says enthusiastically. “Was one report from the SPAM Company, is Hormel? Anyways, average amount of Spam sold on Guam is sixteen cans for each person every year.”
“Are you serious?” I ask.
“Gi menan Yu'us!” he says.
“what?” I ask.
“Just said I swear to God but was only one report. Ask me and I say bullshit, more like thirty cans SPAM per Chelu per year! Before you go ask me, Chelu is one other word for one Chamorro. Hoi, tell me, how you meet those C’est La vie girls?”
“Ok, Tuna, it all started when Mr. Universe, Markus Crevas arrived for the seminars and training sessions at the gym. The first day of seminars was really crowded and a huge success. Afterwards, Markus and Chad wanted to go out and experience some of the nightlife on Guam. During dinner they kept talking about how much fun they had in Roppongi. Mr. Saru told them that Guam has better clubs than Tokyo. Then, after dinner Mr. Saru had the governor’s security pick us up to take all of us over to Kitano Zaka” I say.
“Saru take everybody to Kitano Zaka?” Tuna asks.
“Yes, he took all of us there in a government SUV. Mamason sent six girls but it only took about ten minutes of listening to Mr. Saru sing karaoke before Markus said that he was bored. So Mr. Saru went to talk with Omar at the bar. Markus was complaining and asked if he could leave. I was getting real uncomfortable, especially when Chad asked me if I would take them back to their hotel. Finally, these two girls show up, Asian girls, both wearing blonde wigs and Dallas Cowgirls cheerleading outfits. They walked right up to our booth. One straddled Marcus while the other one tried to sit on Chad’s lap but he pushed her off. She looked pissed but she went over to Markus and started grinding on him” I say.
“Fo Reals?” Tuna asks.
“Yes, for real. Listen to me, after a few minutes of grinding at the booth, the girls took Markus into one of the private rooms. So Mr. Saru told Chad that he could choose a local, Japanese, Filipina, Thai or even a blonde haole girl. Can you believe it? Mr. Saru was going to get him a hooker too! Chad was shocked and he told Mr. Saru that he would rather meet normal girls and not hookers. So anyway, Markus was in the champagne room with those girls for about five minutes before we started to hear her moaning. “
“Eh, mamason no allow sex in private rooms, was he really fucking in the club?” Tuna asks.
“Okay, no sex in the club, whatever, listen Tuna, it was loud and it got louder, the girl started screaming and it sounded like he was banging her head against the wall or maybe he was trashing the room. Know what the mamason did? She turned the volume up on the karaoke system and the bar girls sang louder. Markus was thumping one girl’s head against the wall, both girls were screaming and all of a sudden, the room went silent. No more thumping, no more screaming, no more moaning, not a sound. A few minutes passed and Omar came over to our booth and told us not to worry, because if the girl was dead, he would just dump her in the ocean down by Agat and the sharks would eat her before anyone noticed that she was missing. It was that fucking crazy” I say.
“What happen?” Tuna asks.
“Oh, so Adipo shows up and she starts singing karaoke with d Mr. Saru. I excused myself to go take a leak and when I got back Chad was gone. I asked Mr. Saru where Chad was and he motioned toward the back of the club. So I sat back down and we waited for Markus and Chad. So get this, Marcus was asleep in the private room! He said he was worn out from the long day and the rough sex made him fall asleep. The hookers seemed okay but one of them did say that Markus was way too big for her. Mr. Saru had to pay her double” I say, laughing at that memory.
“Hoi is one good story, but what happen Chad?” Tuna asks.
“Oh, fuck, we waited around for another hour until Omar told us that had Chad left. He must have snuck out while
