would like to have a look at the fish,’ said Mrs Warp, ‘They have some extraordinary specimens here.’
Mum and Dad agreed automatically, as it was quite clear that their thoughts were not on the next exhibit or animal. Once inside the aquarium, however, Mrs Warp began to provide volumes of information on each of the fish. Dad was genuinely interested, while Mum continued to look concerned.
Kate bought some peanuts with money she got from Mum. When the opportunity presented itself she gave them to Mrs Warp, pressed her command button and instructed Mrs Warp to hide the peanuts in her pocket. Dad and Mum had just been looking in fascination at a poisonous octopus with blue rings, and even Hector had not seen Kate’s quick trick.
‘Watch this,’ Kate whispered to Hector, before she pressed the command button and muttered an instruction while walking alongside Mrs Warp. It was surprising to see the packet of peanuts partly emerge from Mrs Warp’s pocket to be ripped open by her apparently normal but quite unearthly hand.
Mrs Warp took one of the peanuts in her fingers and flicked it at a man on the other side of the room. It went like a rocket, hitting him hard. He yelled and held his forehead, before looking around to see what had hit him.
‘Hop over to him like a frog and tell him off in French for making a noise,’ Hector muttered while pressing the control.
Everyone in the hall had stopped looking at the fish in the tanks, and was staring first at the man, and then at Mrs Warp as she hopped towards him. The man looked bewildered, and then angry as Mrs Warp lectured him as if he were a child, using words neither Kate nor Hector could understand.
‘My god, the woman’s mad!’ Dad exclaimed, none too quietly.
‘Can we leave?’ Mum asked.
‘We haven’t seen the crocodiles,’ Hector protested.
‘Hector, this woman is potty. She might not be safe,’ said Dad.
‘We shouldn’t leave until we’re told, as the people guarding us will not know about it,’ suggested Kate.
Dad reluctantly agreed while Mum just looked worried. Kate and Hector, however, were trying hard to conceal their grins. It was Hector who made the mistake of looking his sister in the eye. They burst into laughter, but it was Mrs Warp who told them off.
‘Come on you two,’ said Mrs Warp, ‘it is not nice to laugh at that man. He may have been loud, but he was hit rather hard.’
‘Sorry,’ said Kate, trying to contain her laughter.
‘Oh look, Piranha,’ said Mrs Warp, as she headed towards another tank.
‘They don’t look that dangerous,’ said Hector.
Mrs Warp went into a long explanation about how Piranha could attack much larger animals than themselves because the shoal acted together. It was when she reached the point of explaining about the size of a Piranha's jaw that Mrs Warp surprised everybody, by bending back the mesh protecting the tank and reaching in to grab a fish.
‘Hector!’ Kate whispered accusingly, convinced he was responsible.
‘Not me,’ hissed Hector, ‘I haven’t done anything.’
Hector, Kate, Mum and Dad tried to look interested as Mrs Warp spoke at length about the Piranha she held in her hand, while everyone else in the aquarium looked between Mrs Warp and the gaping hole in the Piranha tank.
‘That’s fascinating,’ said Dad, ‘but I’m getting hot in here. Could we move on?’
Mrs Warp replaced the Piranha, but then appeared to be bitten when her hand was in the water. She showed no pain, and reached in with her other hand to remove the fish. As they walked out Kate looked at the reflection in a large tank, and saw people approaching the hole Mrs Warp had created. She glanced at Mrs Warp and noticed that the very end of one of her fingers was missing.
After they had left the aquarium, they headed for the enclosures with the big cats. Kate continued to instruct Mrs Warp to flick peanuts at people. She chose victims a long way off, and in this way her party could not be suspected. There was a wonderful whizzing noise as the peanuts rocketed off towards their targets. Mrs Warp was very accurate, but the peanuts could be seen to curve in the air slightly. Often they would just miss, but produce a marvellous thwack as they hit glass, wood or brick nearby.
The other strange thing was the way in which Mrs Warp could continue a conversation. She did not hesitate in her speech when she received an instruction, retrieved another peanut and fired. Yet, her conversation and behaviour, while outwardly normal, was unusual after a while. It seemed as though she had a wide set of rules governing social behaviour, but not all were applied at the best time.
There were a number of small puddles of water scattered about the enclosures that had been recently cleaned. Mrs Warp would take Dad’s hand and guide him around them, much as some ancient gentlemen might take the small hand of a delicate young woman in a large Victorian dress for fear that she might faint and fall.
The other problem was that Mrs Warp would bow to some people, and curtsey to others using an imaginary dress. These people seemed to be selected at random, and it only happened about every six or seven minutes.
After about half an hour Hector was becoming bored and annoyed. He felt upstaged by Kate’s wonderful peanut flicking trick. It was funny, but he decided to bring it to an end. He pressed the command button and muttered to Mrs Warp to sit down and organise a meal.
Mrs Warp promptly sat down in a puddle, removed her wig, and began to wave it and shout. ‘Excuse me, excuse me! Are there any animals we can eat?’
‘Hector, what have you done?’ Kate hissed, alarmed that everyone was looking at their group.
‘Nothing. I didn’t tell her to sit in a puddle and wave her wig. I didn’t know she had a wig,’ said Hector, moving swiftly from concerned denial to hysterical giggles. This set Kate off, and they moved away to sit on a bench as Mrs Warp continued to shout in English.
‘You! You over there,’ said Mrs Warp loudly, while pointing at a very hairy man who was heavily overweight, ‘You look like you’ve eaten a few of the animals. Which ones taste best? Come on, speak up? Look, here have some peanuts and then tell me.’
Mum and Dad joined Kate and Hector on the bench, keen to move away from the utterly bonkers Mrs Warp. She had started to splash her hands down into the puddle to attract more attention, as if that was needed. After a while even Mum and Dad were overtaken by the giggles.
‘You! Yes, you! Slobber chops,’ yelled Mrs Warp pointing at a sad-faced man, ‘You’ve clearly had too many pies, so you probably know which animals taste best. Which one should we kill and eat?’
Five minutes later, everyone was still laughing while Mrs Warp had started to sing and speak in German. It was at this point that Mrs Warp was approached by a man Kate immediately recognised, although he seemed to have shaved off his silly beard. He was the person who had quizzed Kate on her first night at the army camp. He was one of Mrs Warp’s creators.
Mrs Warp got up and walked off to a nearby building. She entered and disappeared. The man approached and it was obvious he was very angry. He introduced himself to Mr and Mrs Trogg, and explained that Mrs Warp was not human, and that Kate and Hector had command buttons. He believed they had abused these,
