wrapping themselves around the animal, squeezing and squeezing every time the poor creature breathed out, so that it would eventually suffocate.
Some onlookers were speaking in French and gesturing to Mrs Warp to get out of the tank. They were clearly fearful and confused about a middle-aged lady stood in the middle of a murky pool with a giant snake. Mrs Warp walked forwards with the snake so they could get a better look, addressing them in French.
The snake was clearly becoming more agitated and active. Mrs Warp kept unwrapping it as it coiled around her. Through all of these struggles she kept up her commentary.
Eventually, however, the long, powerful snake was too much for Mrs Warp. She was stronger than it, but there was a lot of snake, and she lost her footing, sinking below the surface of the water with a plop. There was splashing and writhing, and the body of the huge snake moved and coiled around its attacker.
‘Dad, you’ve got to save her,’ Kate declared.
‘Save her?’ Dad questioned, ‘how can you be sure the snake’s female?’
‘No, I mean save Mrs Warp!’
‘Why? She attacked the snake,’ said Dad, plainly, ‘She’s only a robot, the snake might drown or crush me. In any event, my money’s on Mrs Warp.’
‘Yeah,’ Hector chipped in, ‘she doesn’t need oxygen.’
Kate nodded, and reflected on the fact that she had finished off the last Mrs Warp with an axe, and so she probably should not get too upset about this one being in a death struggle with a giant snake.
As the snake and the submerged Mrs Warp thrashed in the green slimy water, onlookers shouted, children cried and were led away from the appalling scene. Some spoke about helping. Others ran to get help. The Trogg family, however, watched with indifference.
Suddenly the trashing stopped. There was a pause, with only the sobbing of some of the shocked onlookers breaking the silence. Then, with the force of Poseidon emerging from the oceans, Mrs Warp rose up, clutching the head of the snake and about a meter of body in one hand. She had simply torn it in two. The other part of the snake was held in her other hand.
‘Told you,’ said Dad, in a matter of fact sort of way.
There was an angry outburst in French, and the Trogg family turned to see the two staff who had been so apologetic following the crocodile incident. More staff were arriving, some with tools that looked as though they might be for restraining snakes. Kate reflected that they probably did not have anything for sewing a snake together after it had been ripped apart.
A short balding man with stubble and bottle-bottom glasses began shouting at Dad, who seemed remarkably calm.
‘I’m very sorry, but I do not speak French very well,’ Dad explained. The man paused and gathered himself.
‘Why did you allow your senile old mother into the tank with our largest snake?’
‘She’s not my mother, and she’s not senile,’ Dad replied.
‘She’s just got a small fault,’ Hector added, ‘I think there’s some water in her legs.’
Fortunately, Hector’s incomprehensible contribution was lost as the staff collectively noticed that the snake was in two parts. Only the slow drip of water in the humid room broke the silence. They were all staring at Mrs Warp, who had the head and about a metre of the snake in her left hand, and the beginnings of the rest of the giant snake in the other.
‘I think it’s dead,’ said Mrs Warp in English, ‘I’m afraid it fell apart,’ There was more astonished silence before Kate heard Hector muttering.
Mrs Warp then began to press the two parts of the snake together as if trying to fix it. Worse, she started giving it mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. However, she seemed confused about whether to concentrate on getting the snake back in one piece, or focussing on getting it to breathe again. Kate suspected that Hector had muttered a command to repair the snake while pressing his red button, and it was not going well. The bald man who appeared to be in charge was starting to look at Dad again when Mrs Warp became excited.
‘Oh, oh, it’s getting better,’ said Mrs Warp, shaking the two halves, ‘Has anyone got any glue?’
‘How can you say that she is not senile?’ asked the bald man.
‘I’ve got to admit, it’s difficult to sustain,’ admitted Dad after a pause.
One of the other men began to speak in French, and it was apparent that he could not work out how anyone could tear an anaconda in two. The bald man summarised the problem.
‘How did she tear the snake in half?’
‘It’s not really in half,’ Hector unhelpfully explained, ‘because if it was in half both bits would be the same length.’
‘Hector!’ Mum admonished.
‘We did it in maths. The snake is in two unequal lengths,’ he said, placing the emphasis on ‘unequal’.
‘Hector, please be quiet.’
‘But, it was a long snake,’ said Hector undaunted, ‘Mrs Warp, can you show us the longer dead bit?’
Mrs Warp threw the head of the snake to the bald man, who caught it in both hands, and then began to drag the rest of the giant snake out of the water. The staff looked on in awe, quite unable to comprehend the situation. They had people behaving badly sometimes; people who smeared food on their children’s faces and tried to get animals to lick it off; people who came in drunk; and even the odd idiot who tried to get into a cage. They had never had anyone who had simply torn a large, dangerous animal in two. There was nothing in any of their training that really told them what to do.
‘Right,’ said Dad in an attempt to seize control, ‘I am very sorry indeed about your snake. I really have no idea how it happened. Maybe we should leave now.’
‘You broke into the enclosure and killed one of the most valuable animals,’ said the bald man.
‘Now, that’s not fair,’ said Dad, ‘my mother-in-law simply leant against the tank and it gave way.’
‘Oh Brilliant!’ muttered Mum, ‘You’ve made her my mother.’
There was silence as the group of staff looked from Dad back to the cage, where the bent and ripped metal showed clearly that the tank front had been ripped or pushed outwards. The bald man approached the cage and pointed at the bent metal.
‘It does not look as though it simply gave way,’ he said.
‘Well, once it gave way and she slipped inside then obviously we had to rip the front out to rescue her,’ explained Dad, weakly.
‘How did you rip out such strong steel? How did you tear the snake in half?’ the bald man said, as he began to look around for crowbars and any other weapons the family might be hiding.
A short time later everyone was sat in an office waiting for the police to arrive. The office was brightly painted, most probably by someone with a severe eyesight problem. The paint on the walls looked smart and new, but the electrical sockets, shelves, filing cabinets,
