they did was to take his rifle and warn him that if he ever did anything like that again, he would go to jail for attempted murder. He never did it again!
Even though my relationship with my Dad was a fairly close one, I still secretly struggled with my feelings toward him for many years. That of being abandoned and rejected gnawed at me nearly every day since he left. Those thoughts of how could you leave us? Didn’t you love us enough to stay? Even though I never told him how I felt, I silently blamed him for the things I went through in my childhood. I always thought that if he had of stayed, I or we would not have had to experience all of the pain and fear we did throughout our lives.
It took me until I was around forty (We were sitting at my kitchen table after a party) to finally approach him about how I felt and how it had affected me and my life, not to mention how angry it had made me. When he heard all this, he grabbed my hand and we were both crying. He then opened up and told me the truth of how it also hurt him and that it was the biggest mistake of his life. He then told me he still loved my Mum and how things could have been so different if he had of stayed. He was so sorry he left us and that we had to endure the things that didn’t seem normal to us. Hearing him as to how sorry he was, gave me a calmness I hadn’t felt in a long time. I was now able to put things into perspective and I realised then, that it wasn’t my father who raised the hand that hurt any of us and I told him this. He then explained to me that we are all separate individuals and can only blame those who do the deed. His words helped me immensely and lifted a weight off me that night. That pain and anger I had felt toward him for so many years almost went there and then.
At the end of our conversation, I told him I was now able to forgive him and that I loved him.
To My Dad (I miss you)
From the moment I laid eyes on you, I loved you. I only wish while in my primary years I could have seen you more, however; that did change in my late teens. Together we would tinker around with our cars and with me dressed in your pair of work overalls always made me feel so close to you. This went on well in to my thirties but because I became so preoccupied with my own life, our relationship became distant. We would really only see each other on special occasions and only sometimes when either of us made the time. We did however talk on the phone quite a bit and I miss our conversations with your wise and wisdom words sometimes. You taught me so much in our time that we spent together and that has stayed with me and always will. You taught me how to strip down car motors and rebuild them and I still do stuff like this today. You also taught me that you can make anything from anything and to also have a solution to almost everything as well. You always drummed in my mind, there is no such word as can’t. My creativity sometimes blows my own mind not to mention my friends and family. I am modest with this but so very proud that I can almost doing anything I put my mind to and I got a lot of this from you.
In 2010, it was so hard to learn that you were terminally ill and I told you to be strong and don’t give in to it. You told me you would be strong and fight it but for some reason I felt you were giving up and you had no choice but to lie to me. I knew deep down you were trying to help me through it by your words.
As your illness progressed, I tried to be there as much as I could handle but it was just so hard for me. To see my once strong father becoming frailer every time I saw you was killing me in side. Eventually my selfishness got the better of me and I had no choice but to leave and go live in another state. I am so very sorry and I just hope you can understand and forgive me wherever you are. I do regret my decision now and live with it every day but back then, it was the only way I could deal with it.
I justified my actions by thinking there were stronger people than I, including Mum, to nurse and comfort you, so it was okay.
I just thought and I took it for granted, “You would be here forever and that we would have all the time in the world” but that wasn’t the case.
You died peacefully and free of pain four months later.
At least the last time I saw you, I put my arms around you and told you I loved you. You said, “I love you too pet.”
I didn’t want to let you go, knowing I would never see you again, but I took a big deep breath and as hard as it was, I walked out your door.
You weren’t the best father in the world but you were my father and none of us is perfect as you once told me. Everyone makes mistakes and you lived most of your life regretting yours. Many times, I watched you cry and I felt your sadness about your regrets in life.
I think about you all the time and even talk to you, hoping you’re there somewhere, regardless. I can’t help it; I just miss and love you so very much.
I have faith you are in peace with God now.
My Older Sister
My older sister who is four years older than I, stands around 5’5, nice solid figure with black hair that sits just passed her shoulders and has very beautiful dark brown eyes. She is a very caring family orientated person with a strong personality just like my brother and I. At times she can be very witty and has made me laugh at the drop of a hat. I remember one particular Christmas at her place; I told her that if a fly drowns, they can be brought back to life by covering them in salt. Not sure how and why they do but they do. My guess is, the salt draws the fluid from them and off they go again. Well I needed to show her, so off I went outside to the spa and I found a dead fly that had drowned. I picked it up, took it inside and put it on the counter and then doused it in salt. Bugger me dead, within a minute the thing started moving. I could see her looking at it and then it started flying around. I felt pretty cool about this but then she hit it with a swat, looked at me and said, “Now it’s dead!” I nearly peed myself laughing!
My sister has a fair bit of wisdom and if one needed advice, you could always count on her for it. There is one thing I don’t like very much about her, my brother and even myself at times and that is, we all have rather controlling natures but I put this down to our lack of control and hurt in our past, although personally, I have found myself these days, being more compassionate, listening more and letting people be who they want to be.
My sister has definitely had her ups and downs, especially when in 1980; she lost her twenty one year old partner of five years to a motor cycle accident. That night he was killed, it was almost as if the life had been sucked out of her. Her fun side had seemed to have been replaced with a certain sadness and I felt like I had lost my sister that night and I still to this day, feel this way. She eventually married and still is somewhat thirty years plus now. Together they have four children that being two girls and two boys. I used to be close with all of them but not now and I am not afraid to say the truth and tell it how it is. I have been told by one of them, I am not an Aunties boot lace but still they held their hands out every year at Christmas.
I’m not sure how many thousands of dollars I spent over the years on presents and even helped put food in their mouths in the past when times were tough. Some people have very short memories I’m afraid and this is very unfair to say this about me.
The one thing that really hurt me is when my niece got married, I was not invited but my ex-girlfriend of fourteen years was. This to me is deliberate and hurtful not to mention bitchy!
Even through all the shit that’s gone on in the past, we are all back on speaking terms. It was even nice to spend last Christmas together which was the first in years. This made my Mum happy seeing at least half her family together but it ends there I’m afraid. To not be invited to a Mother’s day family outing this year
