one wonders why the whole family is at war with each other. My personal opinion is my sister is jealous of my brother and I because of the time we spend with our Mum, so not inviting us meant she had Mum all to herself.
I also remember when I was sick and I just got out of hospital, my sister told me she would come and have a coffee soon at my place. I waited seven years and it still never happened. I have been in my new house now for three and a half years and not one visit from any of them.
How can I be an aunt or a close family member to any of them when I seem to be the only one who makes an effort to contact them but it’s never reciprocated? Works both ways!You may think I'm angry about all this but I'm really not; I'm hurt more so than anything. There is no point in approaching how I feel either because no one listens and it always ends up in world war three, so waste of time.
I don’t deny, I have done wrong in the past but don’t give me a life sentence for it. We can only learn from our past behaviour and move on.
My Younger Sister
My sister Amy is nine years younger than I. She stands around, 173 cm, with dark shoulder length hair, brown eyes with a pretty porcelain skinned face. She looks different to us though only because she doesn’t have the same father. She is the result of the relationship my mother had with George (Lofty). Even so we have always treated her as if she is our full sister. When we were young, she and I were very close until I met this bitch I had a relationship with. It changed the whole dynamics of our relationship which is very sad. Today, she is married with three children who are all girls but I am only close to one now. Her entire family are devout Christians but have gone ridiculous and over the top with it and personally I think my sister has lost her grip on reality and is missing out on so many things life has to offer, because of this. She used to be so much fun to be with but not these days, the last I heard. She has withdrawn herself from the family she grew up with and has nothing but judgemental things to say about all of us. We are all sinners and hypocrites in their eyes. I know deep down they don’t accept me for who I am or my life style preference. If they did, they would contact me but I haven’t heard from them for almost two years now and that was only to ask me if I could lend them some money but because I couldn’t. You work the rest out.
They too have very short memories. Whenever they had needed a place to stay or food on the table, I was always there for them too.
My Cousin Brian
Brian is one of my cousins and he lived with us for a big part of his life so we virtually grew up together and I could proudly say we were once close, but not now. He is a couple of years older than me and stands around 5’11 with a solid physique and an olive complexion, hazel coloured eyes and short brown hair. He is married with three children but I don’t see him or his family at all anymore because of the way he has treated me. Brian has always been a complex person with having old fashion values, where women are concerned. Even though we don’t talk, a leopard never changes its spots and I know his definitely won’t. You can’t change someone who has a strong, opinionated and boisterous personality. These traits of his never made it easy for one to be around him, especially if you were having a dispute over something. You could never win because he just overpowered and bullied you with his loud obnoxious voice and calling you for everything and it would then turn into a nasty situation. At the end of the day, people couldn’t say what they felt because he was too busy yelling to listen to you. It wasn’t worth putting yourself through the torment of it all so you would just tell him to get fucked, get in your car and drive away. Even my immediate family reckons he is a bully but none of them would tell him this of course. I actually feel pity and sadness for him not being able to let go of the past which has caused so much anger in him. It must be a terrible feeling, living life that way.
I have had two major disputes with Brian over the years and both resulting in violence. I want to tell you about these incidents as I think it had a significant part to play in my feelings toward men and maybe helped toward my choice of destiny a bit easier.
The first incident was when I was just twelve years old. I went with him and his girlfriend at the time, my older sister and a few of their friends to an island called Rottnest: just twelve kilometres off the coast of Perth, Western Australia. It all started when we were sitting around on the lawn and for some reason out of the blue, my older sister called Brian’s girlfriend a slut. He just looked at her in disbelief and told her to shut her mouth and she knew that if she didn’t, he would get angry so she never said it again but me, I couldn’t help myself and just to piss him off even more I said, “Well she is a slut.” He then told me to shut up but again I couldn’t help myself and I continued with the name calling. By this time I could tell he was getting really angry but for some reason, I persisted. Wrong thing to do, because he then got up and started yelling over the top of me as I sat there looking up at him, but I didn’t back down. I thought, “Who the hell do you think you are?” I wasn’t putting up with his shit so I went to stand up to mouth back at him but before I could, he was already out of control and pushed me back to the ground. He then started kicking me like I was a worthless piece of shit! I started screaming at him to leave me alone but he had gone beyond the point of no return and the kicks were coming harder and faster. He had lost it big time!(It takes me back to when Paul was kicking my Mum on the ground).It wasn’t until I could hardly breath through exhaustion that my sister and one of his friends started yelling at him to leave me alone. When he did finally stop, I just lay there in a foetal position crying and wondering how my own cousin could do this to me, regardless of how angry I had made him. I also wondered why any of his friends didn’t try to stop him sooner but I later understood that they were afraid of him too. It made me realise then, that he was nothing but a bully and I hated him. It turned out my sister and I was right about one thing though and that his girlfriend was a slut. It turned out that while Brian and she were together, she had also been sleeping with his best friend James. She eventually married James and they are still together to this day. Maybe Brian should have listened to us back then!
Ironically, James was once my older sister’s boyfriend and when they split up, I ended up being his next target of affection regardless that I was only twelve at the time. (This is not something I am proud to admit and I feel rather disgusted but it happened) It was when one night my father took Brian, James and myself to the drive-in movies. Brian sat in the front with my Dad whilst I had to sit in the back of the car with James. Nothing seemed to be out of the ordinary until the trip home. I was just sitting there and all of a sudden I felt James’s’ foot slide in between my legs and started caressing me with it. I looked at him and smiled so he then knew I was all right with what he was doing and this turned him on even more so. When we arrived home at my place, Brian decided he was going to go stay at my Dad’s place for the night so that meant James would have to look after me until my Mum got home. Look after me was right! When they left, he and I sat on the sofa and talked for a while but then he got up and went over and turned the light off. I asked him why he turned the light off and on his way back to the sofa; he told me it was too bright. I thought, “You are full of shit, I know exactly what you are up to!” He certainly didn’t waste any time and within minutes he had my pants down and was having his way with me, so to speak. At first I didn’t really know how to respond to what was happening. I knew what he was doing was wrong and I was actually feeling dirty and disgusted in what I was doing, but I craved for that attention and acceptance I never got from my Dad so in a peculiar way, I accepted what was happening and even though it hurt like shit, it still felt good having a male actually wanting and needing me. Well that’s what I thought at the time anyway. Being used was more like it. Looking back on it now, I think my God, “What in hell was I thinking?” I was only bloody twelve and at sixteen and being so close to the family, he should have known better. How could have he taken advantage of a person so young and especially being Brian’s best friend. This could have had major consequences if it ever got out. Jail would have been one of them and I dare not think of others.
Getting back to Brian now, it was my Mum’s sixtieth birthday
