you’re missing the point.
—Victor J. Banis
CHAPTER ONE
MR. WONDERFUL, THAT’S YOU
It’s New Year’s Eve, the big night itself. Dressed in your finest, you are (pick one):
1.) at a marvelous party, surrounded by friends. At the stroke of midnight, your handsome date gives you your first kiss of the new year.
2.) drinking alone at a bar, watching the festivities on television and trying to convince yourself it’s just a lot of noise.
3.) preparing to jump from the top of your city’s highest building.
Did that one scare you? Well, let’s try again. Let’s suppose you are at a party. Unfortunately, it’s been rather dull, and you’ve just been cornered by a dreary auntie, when into the room walks the most gorgeous hunk of man you’ve ever seen, and he’s absolutely alone. An hour later:
1.) you and Handsome Hunk have managed to escape the dull party together, and are now creating your own excitement.
2.) you are still in the corner with auntie, watching some other guest whisk Handsome Hunk away.
3.) you are applying a splint to the arm that Handsome Hunk broke when you made a pass at him.
All right, just one more before we start tallying up the points. This time you’ve gone to the opera by yourself. Glancing about, you see some acquaintances of yours in a private box. During the first intermission you send an usher with greetings and a note asking if you may join them:
1.) the usher returns promptly with their message insisting that you join them.
2.) you have received no reply by the next intermission, so you make your way to their box, to find that the door had been nailed shut.
3.) the usher returns and with a smile asks you to follow him; after leading you through endless corridors, he instructs you to go through a certain door. You do so only to find yourself outside the opera house without your ticket stub. Inside, you can still hear the usher laughing.
If your answers to the above little test were all number one, you don’t need anything that I have to offer. In fact, you can continue your lovely life, taking satisfaction from the knowledge that I and numerous others loathe you.
On the other hand, maybe you couldn’t honestly pick number 1 as an answer for any of the questions. In that case, you most definitely need help—and that’s exactly what this book is all about—helping you improve your average. Even if your answers were divided, there’s plainly still room for improvement.
It may be a question of developing a little style and grace, or perhaps you’ve never learned how to approach a desirable man. Whatever the problem, you just might find the answer if you’re willing to read further, and try a few suggestions. Considering all that’s at stake, that’s not asking much.
Of course, maybe you don’t regard being attractive, liked, and appealing to men as important. In that case, you deserve to be alone on New Year’s Eve, or nursing a broken arm, or standing outside in the rain.
There’s no shortage of self-help books available today. I’ve read most of them myself, sometimes in genuine desperation. And before I go any further, I may as well tell you the truth about myself.
No one has ever been so rash as to tell me I’m beautiful. Furthermore, since my eyesight is good, if anyone did tell me such a thing I’d suspect him of being hopelessly dishonest, mentally deranged, or too drunk to drive.
I am clumsy, rather effeminate, far from brilliant, often quite helpless, nervous, terrified of strangers (to say nothing of high places and the dark), far from wealthy, and I have a genuine talent for putting my foot in my mouth.
At this point I can hear you shrieking that you need my help like you need a dose of you-know-what. Very funny, but let me add a few things.
I’ve been told by scads of men that I was attractive and/or sexy—and many of those men just weren’t gay, not by any accepted definition of the term. Likewise, many of them thought I was sexy enough to find out what “gay” was all about.
I have lots of friends, straight and gay, on all levels of society. Being gay and being effeminate have never been detriments, nor hindered me socially in any way. As for being shy, nervous, or helpless, I’ve found those items to be assets in many situations.
Without being wealthy, I live well. I just returned from a several-month trip to Europe, and brought back my own car. I have a comfortable apartment, all the clothes I need, and always a sufficient cash reserve to cover those little emergencies that come up.
Bah, humbug, you say? Perhaps you think the answer is witchcraft? Or maybe you admit that this is all possible and fine for me, but how, you ask, does it apply to you? Well, very simply, unless you’re a really hopeless case (and I have yet to meet one that hopeless), you can accomplish the same things if you’re willing to try. And I’m willing to help. Shall we go on?
There’s only one place to begin, and that’s with you, the only natural resource you have to work with. And never mind telling me that a silk purse can’t be made out of a sow’s ear. In the first place, not everyone likes silk purses. Some people go for cowhide, some go for alligator, and some even end up with plastic, so what makes you think that no one would want a sow’s-ear purse? Particularly one that’s well styled, nicely made, and—here’s the most important part—well sold. The first task is making it as desirable as possible, the second is convincing the potential customer that it’s what he wants.
Try another little test, if you’re still in doubt. Think back to the last time you were with a group of friends in some public place. (I hope it’s not that long ago!) Remember their comments about the various men around you. One of them thought one number was just divine, although nobody else in your group agreed. And while the others were drooling over someone in one direction, you were lusting after a sweet young thing that they hadn’t given a second glance to.
It’s one of the niceties of life that tastes vary. If they didn’t, only a small handful of people would make out, and the rest of us would have to suffer. All of which means that, no matter what type you are, there are those somewhere who find your type appealing. You’ll have to learn where to find them, and of course, once you have found them, how to convince them that you, of all your type, are particularly appealing.
Don’t let the use of the term “type” frighten you either, because it’s only a generalization. Actually, you are quite unique, the one and only you in the world. Try though He might, HE’ll never be able to find anyone quite as wonderful as you.
That may sound conceited, but it’s really not that at all. You see, before you can expect other people to like you, you have to learn to like yourself. Many people, unfortunately, don’t. But with the right attitude you can, and should, be the best friend you have. Now think about it, what constitutes a good friend. To begin with, he likes you, and respects you. On the other hand, he’s kind but honest in pointing out your shortcomings to you, and helping you to make the most of yourself. That’s the kind of friend everyone needs, and the kind of friend you should learn to be to yourself.
Maybe you already like and respect yourself; that makes everything much easier. If you don’t, then you’d better start asking yourself why not? Just what is there about you that’s not likable? This, of course,
