wrapping paper of the birthday gift you sent him, he’s certain to thank you with exceptional warmth.
Know where to wear it too. Behind the ears, contrary to what everyone thinks, it is wasted. Put it on the temples, at the V where the neck and collarbone meet, at the wrists and—are you ready for this?—behind the knees. Those are the points where it will last, and radiate all sorts of messages to him throughout the evening—and night.
Also, and always—and I mean always—wear a deodorant and use a bad-breath combatant regularly, like at least twice a day, just to be sure. In the former case, there are all kinds—some that don’t smell at all, some that match your cologne. They vary in effectiveness with the body chemistry of individuals, so find the one that is most effective for you. As for bad-breath, there are countless mouthwashes and mints. Many salesman, by the way, swear by antacid tablets, such as Rolaids—most breath problems start in the stomach. And if you have a real problem, see a dentist for advice. It may be an indication of more serious trouble, although I can’t think of anything more serious than scaring men away.
Believe it or not, statisticians have proved that within the next few years sales of men’s toiletries will far outnumber those of women if the current trend continues. Keep it up. Everything possible is now available to the man, such as hand creams, hair sprays, perfumes—you name it, they market it.
Dry skin problems can be easily remedied by simply applying cold cream or even Vaseline on your face before going to bed. If you use Vaseline for other purposes, incidentally, I’d recommend two separate jars. If your hands get too dry and scaly do the same thing to them. Once a week treatment should be sufficient, but use nightly treatments if you’re very dry, and watch out for particularly cold or windy weather.
For the oily skinned among you, frequent washing with soap and water and applying an astringent two or three times a day will help, as will talcum powder.
Don’t overlook the finger and toenails. Keep them trimmed and well filed. Never taper them, keep them short and even, and above all, clean. And never, never, never apply polish of any kind. I don’t care what your straight friends do—even Esquire is against polish on men. There are creams, too, for rough hangnails and cuticle problems. Look into them if you are afflicted with such problems.
Your body in general is my next topic of conversation. We’re all inclined to be lazy, and consequently so much you’ll have to do depends upon the sort of shape you’re in. And if you’re absolutely out of shape, I’d suggest you see a doctor, or consider a gymnasium.
Let’s hope, however, that things aren’t that far gone. In that case, a few simple rules will work wonders.
To begin with, the next time you have to go to the market, which is several blocks away, please don’t walk to the carport and drag out the convertible. Walk—it’s still one of the best exercises available. And if the load of groceries on the way back is a little too heavy for that long trek, good—make two trips. That’ll do you twice as much good.
A friend of mine has an executive type job, private office and all that. I paid him a call one day and noticed that everything in the office was almost inconvenient to the desk he occupied. “Why?” I asked. “It’s simple,” he told me. “I get my exercise that way. If I need something I have to get up for it. It helps keep my backside from spreading out.”
You may be interested in knowing that his backside was sufficiently “unspread” to make it one of the most sought-after in the city.
Another very simple exercise you can use while taking Rover for a walk or just strolling along the street. Carry something you can drop on the sidewalk now and then, just to make yourself stoop over and pick it up. It helps that advancing waistline more than you think, and there are other benefits as well.
You may not know it, but exercising will make you less tired. You see, certain acids have a tendency to build up in the body, particularly at the joints, and as these acids are passed into the bloodstream, they create that “tired” feeling often attributed to not taking Geritol. By exercising, you burn up these acids. For that reason, one airline executive recommends the above exercise for long flights—that is, dropping a pencil or something so you have to bend down for it. Of course, that’s only recommended for flights in a plane. It could be risky on a broomstick.
Everyone hates to exercise, I know. But if you happen to live with someone, you’ll find an exercise program in which everyone participates easier to keep up than one you do alone. Anything you do alone is really not as much fun as having a partner, don’t you agree? Of course you do, that’s why you’re reading this.
Diets, naturally, are another source of pain and discomfort, but another necessary evil. Serious overweight or underweight problems, as I said before, should be handled by a professional. But if your problem is only an advancing tummy or the like, a few sensible habits will make the difference between being lovely or ludicrous.
If you have to go to that beer bar every night, then for goodness sake make sure you account for the calorie consumption by cutting down on the sweets and stuff you normally have with dinner. And you can also investigate the caloric count in such things as vodka and tonic (180 calories) versus Scotch and soda (90 calories), or martinis (170 calories) versus Manhattans (235 calories). Get the picture? A Rob Roy will only cost you 110 of those nasty things, but a zombie, weighing in at 520, isn’t worth it.
Just to give you a few ideas, I prepared a little list to indicate some of the danger areas:
BEVERAGES:
black coffee...NONE!
w/cream...25
cream & sugar...55
tea (naked)...NONE!
milk...165
ale...100
beer...100
sweet cocktails...250
dry cocktails...90
highballs...150
liqueurs...80 to 90
whisky (a jigger)...110 to 150
sweet wine (1 glass)...130
dry wine (1 glass)...95
BREAD:
white...65 (one slice)
rye...70
biscuit...100
English muffin...130
Danish pastries...120
Saltine (double)...40
DESERTS:
chocolate layer cake...400
pound cake...115
cookies...110 to 125 each
Now, good habits, remember, are a prerequisite, so start now and don’t flinch. Take that extra few minutes every time you go out or before you settle down for an evening of television, to work on your grooming. You’ll thank me, and yourself, I guarantee. And even if you do wind up spending the entire evening alone, you’ll feel a whole lot better sending and smelling your nice, fresh, clean self into that trundle bed.
