wait just a minute—you do have to determine what are the faults that need improving, but let’s not convince ourselves that you’re a walking disaster area. I don’t care if you are a troll living under a bridge, you have your good points too. You’re a friend to yourself, remember, and no friend is going to spend all of his time gloomily tearing you apart. So, while you’re at it, let’s make notes of those good points too, because we’re going to want to take full advantage of them while we’re learning to eliminate or at least play down the others.
All right, to begin with, I’m assuming you’re gay. Now that right there is a problem to many people. In our society, it’s pretty difficult not to feel self-conscious about it at times, and for some people it can be a really traumatic experience. If, in your case, it’s resulted in an existence that is nothing short of a nightmare, then chances are you may need the sort of help I can’t give you in this book.
If you are seriously toying with the possibility of suicide, or sealing yourself in an isolated cave, you should talk to a professional. Surprisingly enough, many headshrinkers today don’t attempt to “cure” a homosexual, whatever that involves. Rather, they try to help him adjust to himself so that he can lead a happier life.
But let’s suppose that things aren’t quite that bad for you, in which case maybe you just need to consider a few facts and start using a little common sense.
The homosexual is a lot better off today than he has been in the past. For one thing, just about everyone has faced the fact that he exists, and that he does not possess horns and tails. That helps. For another thing, there’s more information available on the subject, for the homosexual who wants to understand a little more about himself. If you’re genuinely puzzled by your nature, it won’t hurt you to do a little reading. If nothing else, it will soothe your ego to learn that you’re not so different from most other people. Homosexual and heterosexual urges exist in most people, in varying degrees.
Nor does being homosexual mean that you have to live your life as an outcast from society. As I said before, I mingle regularly with many non-homosexuals, oftentimes close friends. Once you’ve learned to accept your homosexuality, and adopted a few rules for social behavior, you can do the same.
As for the other areas in which you need improvement, it’s safe to say that there’s a solution to nearly every problem. If you’re too heavy, or too thin, it’s almost certain that you can do something about it—I’ll go into this a little further subsequently.
If you’re hiding lovely eyes behind owlish glasses, look into contact lenses. If you walk like Carmen Miranda with an overwound spring, fencing lessons or a membership in a gym will help. Voice lessons can do wonders as far as lowering a piercing talk. These are the sort of things which can be detriments for you, and there’s just no excuse for not correcting them. In later chapters I’ll go into more detail about improving your appearance, and your chances. But by now you should have singled out some of the most pressing shortcomings, and started to work on them right off.
Very well, once you’ve reached the point where you can start liking yourself, you’re ready to see if you can persuade others to like you. There’s only one way of accomplishing that goal, and every self-help book, psychiatric journal, or philosophical writing will tell you exactly the same thing—you have to start liking others. You’re going to have to be a friend if you want to have friends.
Now that may or may not sound difficult to you, depending upon your attitude toward others around you. But personally, I find it easiest to use the same approach you’ve been using on yourself—try looking for the good points, not just concentrating on the faults.
There’s another little trick that I learned years ago, and which has served me well. It’s called Warm Regard and you build it up just as you would a muscle, through practice and exercise.
Start with someone you do like, in fact the most likable person you can think of. When you call him to mind, you’ll feel a—well, nice feeling, sort of a glow. Mind you, I’m not referring to lust, or anything so earthy as that. I’m talking about the feeling of liking. And don’t kid me that you don’t know the difference.
Now, keeping that feeling fixed firmly in your mind, switch to someone else. Be sensible, don’t pick the most obnoxious person you can think of, but someone about whom you feel pretty neutral. Transfer your feeling of “liking” to this person. At first it will dim a little, but with practice, you’ll find that you really can think nicely about this person.
Of course, you don’t stop with mental pictures. The difficult part will be to put this new attitude into practice, the very next time you meet this person. Call to mind your Warm regard, and let it show; be just as friendly toward Mr. Mouse as you always have been toward that most likable person. As I said, this is just like building a muscle—the more you use it, the better it will be. And needless to say, once you’ve succeeded with this individual, you’ll go on to someone else, someone a little more difficult to like. Before you know it, you’ll have made friends of some people who were your enemies in the past. Believe me, it’s a very nice feeling.
Now I know you can’t expect everyone to love you; from time to time, you’ll experience some failures, but they aren’t too important as long as you’re also experiencing some success. If you’re not, I’m afraid that the fault can’t all lie with the other people.
As for criticism, I know it can occasionally make you sound very witty, but that kind of wit may end up leaving you laughing alone. The best—in fact the only —time to offer criticism is when it’s asked for. In that case, be nice about it, be honest, and radiate a lot of Warm Regard.
* * * *
Well, now things are looking up for you. You’re hard at work correcting some of your major shortcomings, and you are rapidly acquiring all sorts of new friends.
But I’m still homosexual, you say. Won’t those new friends, the straight ones, change their minds if they find out?
They might, or then again, they might not. There’s one important fact in your favor, however—they don’t want to find out.
Peculiar though it may seem, people who like you (and by now all sorts of people are beginning to like you) will go far out of their way to avoid admitting the obvious to themselves. They’ll do much better than you at inventing excuses for you, and eat their tongues before asking the wrong question. I have seen perfectly sophisticated, otherwise bright people behave like morons rather than recognize the truth about a homosexual friend. Of course, it’s your job to make this just as easy as possible for them, which means following a few basic guidelines.
In the first place, you behave naturally. By now I’m sure you’ve begun eliminating some of the more obvious affectations you’ve displayed in the past. You weren’t born with them, so forget the lame excuse. You learned them, as a child probably, but it’s not too late to replace them with better ones.
Now, as I said before, I’m inclined to be effeminate, but don’t fool yourself, that’s still not the same as being screamy. You don’t have to turn yourself into a booted, leather-jacketed oaf, or wander about with a pipe between your teeth. But you can observe some of the men you know, the pleasantly masculine ones, and try learning some of their traits.
The homosexual faces another problem too, the fact that it’s too often necessary to be dishonest. Regrettably, this becomes a habit. Many homosexuals call attention to their way of life by putting up too much of a front. For instance—while you’re entertaining straight friends, your lover, roommate, or what have you, answers the phone. “For you,” he announces, and while you take the call, he goes to the kitchen, where he does not hear the act you are putting
