Knowing that he’ll understand, you work hard to make it sound as though this were one of many women who pursues you. When it’s finished, you give your straight guests a smug grin and explain that it’s just an old girl friend.
At this point, your roommate returns to the room and, ignorant of your deception, asks, “What did Charlie want on the phone?” Result, you’re left looking like an ass. What’s more, your friends certainly will wonder why the deception was considered necessary.
The simplest way to get by with dishonesty is to cover it up with as much of the truth as possible, at the same time keeping the dishonest part to the bare essentials.
Furthermore, you’ll have to learn when to be discreet. In other words, you don’t rub your straight friend’s noses in your business—figuratively speaking, that is. If you run around wearing lace shirts with jeweled buttons, and such garb, you can hardly wonder why straight folk shun your company. After all, they may be forgiving themselves, but they have their friends to consider too, and they don’t want to constantly apologize for you.
Tragically, you’ll be called on from time to time to make certain sacrifices. The time for cruising is not when you’re out with the boys from the office. You might convince them that the sweet young thing you end up leaving with is an old friend, but they’re likely to wonder why you didn’t recognize him until you saw him in the rest room.
Well, so far we’ve concentrated mostly on the inside, helping you to improve your outlook and some of your actions. Now of course I realize that you aren’t doing all of this just to insure your entry into paradise. Our motives are downright earthy, and I really am getting around to the all-important goal—MAN. But there’s still a lot of work to be done.
Remember the Mounties (that’s a police outfit, not a sex club) and their motto for getting their men. They do it all with a plan, and they have to go through training first to be certain they’re really prepared. So before we send you out on the trail, I want to make sure you have all the right equipment, inside and out, and that you know how to use it. Don’t despair, when you end up taking home your prey and properly stuffing him, or mounting him, or whatever you plan, you’ll see that it was worth all the effort.
Shall we go on now to the rest of you—the outside?
CHAPTER TWO
MIRROR, MIRROR
This chapter is going to devote itself to the subject of grooming—now you can put that wash and wear bridal gown back in the closet. I’m not talking about that kind of “grooming.” I’m talking about the bare facts—the raw material that is you, and what to do with it.
Good looks, charm and manners are of course no guarantee of success in any endeavor. You can bow, scrape and flatter all you like, but if you look like a slob and have bad breath or a greasy face, you’ve struck out before the game started. No man wants the spots cleaned off his suit while you talk, and few of them are still using that greasy kid stuff. So let’s see what can be done to improve things.
Let’s start at the top, with the head (which is just about where we all start, if we’re having any kind of fun at all). A good head of hair is one of the most important things I can think of so far as increasing your “plus” quotient. But don’t, please, misinterpret my remark. I don’t think hair to the shoulders is very attractive unless one prefers women—in which case you’re reading the wrong book. And I’ll admit that some of those VERY young fellows look downright cute with pageboys—I’m referring to the hair style—but if you’re over nineteen, it’s time to trim those locks. Little Orphan Agnes is the only one I know of who could get away with never growing up, unless you allow for that other fairy, Peter What’s-his-name. The rest of us only make ourselves look increasingly silly as Tinker Belle. Here is a fact to ponder: nothing makes a person look so old as working too hard to look young.
What you do need is an attractive, sensible head of hair, styled correctly for you. And if you haven’t yet guessed, I’m leading up to something. Specifically, I’m aiming at those of you who may be a little thin on top. Of course, there are all sorts of funny jokes: So I have thin hair, who wants fat hair? Very funny. And generally unattractive. Granted, that movie actor fairly glistens up there, and I’m one of the countless thousands who get weak in the knees when he comes on-screen. But let’s not kid ourselves, he has a lot of other equipment too, the sort that all manages to go perfectly with his bare scalp. I just don’t have all of that equipment, and if you do, you’re wasting your time reading this book.
In other words, if you are the balding type, run, don’t walk, to the nearest salon and get yourself a toupee.
A very close school friend of mine lost his hair prematurely. There was a time when we were both the same age, but I hadn’t seen him in years when I paid a visit a year or so ago. Poor friend, he was practically bald and looked a good ten or fifteen years older than me. My first reaction was glee—after all, in the past he had looked so much younger, to my chagrin, and now it was my turn.
Then I remembered our friendship, and my duty. I sat him down and gave him my $10.00 lecture on hair, concluding with the suggestion that he buy some—NOW! Unfortunately, my visit was only a brief one, but I later took up the campaign by mail. Finally, a few months later, I stopped by to visit him again. Lo and behold, my campaign had been successful. He was sporting a headpiece, and he looked positively marvelous. You wouldn’t believe what it did for him, to say nothing of those he came in contact with. Before hair, another friend of mine guessed this boy’s age at forty; with it, he could quite easily pass for twenty-five. And that, my dear, is quite a difference.
Oh, I know, you say they’re expensive. Indeed they are, but no more so than that vacation you’ve been planning, or that new sofa, and believe me, they’ll pay off in far greater dividends. Or maybe you think they look phony—no, not if you get a good one. I’ll grant that an expert might be able to spot one, although even that isn’t for certain. My friend, for instance, wore his to a barber—who couldn’t spot it. And you really can do virtually everything in them—shower, sleep and—well, that other activity we all enjoy.
All right, let’s assume you have your own head of hair. Fine, there’s still a lot you should know and do about it. First, and this is important—keep it clean and don’t plaster it down with a lot of junk that will make you smell like the lamps of China. Hair is hair, and ought to look like it. Many of the women who went in for those bees nests a few years ago just found that they had been stung.
Next task—study your face and try to decide what style you wear best. There is a difference. If you have big ears, for instance, make sure you wear your hair full on the sides. It will help camouflage those milk-pitcher handles.
If you can afford it, which I think most of us can, go to one of those many new hair stylists for men. By now they are available in most cities. I go to one and for $5.00 I get shampooed, massaged, treated, trimmed and styled. I not only look my best when I come out, but I feel positively queenly—and never mind the wisecracks. Of course, a regular old haircut may cost you 50% less, but then all you get is a regular old haircut. Besides, your chances of meeting your kind of people at a stylist’s salon are much better than at the local barbershop. And hair styling is an art in its own right.
Maybe you just can’t afford the money, or maybe there isn’t a stylist available where you are. In that case, you’ll have to use a little common sense and work it out for yourself, with the help of your friends. To make it a little easier for you, I’ll offer a few suggestions:
If your face is long, then wear the hair slightly down over the forehead.
If you have a round, fat face, wear your hair higher on top and off the face, with
