elected into Parliament – it will not cost you a deadly sum; and then you’ll have full occupation.’
‘Mr. Curry,’ quo’ I, ‘it’s not every one, like you, that has a talent; for although I would not grudge to pay for the admission-ticket, between ourselves, I really don’t know how to set about applying for one; for you know that in our county in Scotland, the pedigree-family “bear the bell” in all electioneerings; for my Lord Entail, their cousin, has made as many freeholders on the list as the valuation of his estate allows, and three of the district-boroughs are under his thumb; so by that means they have all the rule and power of the shire. But, Mr. Curry, if you could tell me of a sober, canny way of creeping into the House of Commons unobserved, I’ll no say that just for a diversion I would not like to sit there for a session or two; by that time I would have made myself joke-fellow like with some of the big-wigs, the which would help to make this country not so disagreeable after the sprees and merry-go-rounds of “auld lang syne” in India.’
‘I discern,’ said Mr. Curry, ‘that ye’re in the same state of sin and misery that I suffered myself when I came home; and therefore I say unto you, speaking from the knowledge of my own insight, get into Parliament: at the very utmost, Mr. Jobbry,’ said he, ‘a few thousand pounds at a general election should do the business; or, if you would sooner take your seat, I should think that from twelve hundred to fifteen hundred pounds per session would be reasonable terms; for I would not advise you to be overly greedy of a bargain, nor overly logive at the outset.’
I agreed with him that his remark was very judicious, but that really I had no confidential acquaintance in the line; and that it was not to be expected I could, going out to India a bare lad, with scarcely shoon upon my cloots, be in a condition to set myself forward.
‘Oh,’ says he, ‘nothing is more easy; ye have just to give an inkling that if a convenient borough was to be had, ye would not mind about going into Parliament. Speeches of that sort are very efficacious; and it’s not to be told how it will circulate that you would give a handsome price for an easy seat in the House of Commons. Keep your thumb on the price, and just let out that you have no relish for the clanjamfrey of a popular election, but would rather deal with an old sneck-drawer in the trade than plague yourself with canvassing: depend upon it ye’ll soon hear of some needful lord that will find you out, and a way of treating with you.’
There was certainly sterling admonition in this; and I said to him, over our wine, for we were then sitting together after dinner, in Ibbotson’s Hotel, ‘that I was not particular in wishing to conceal my hankering for a seat in Parliament.’
‘Do you really say so?’ said he.
I then assured him that I was not vehemently against it; and so, from less to more, he inquired of what party I would be; and I told him with the government party, to be sure.
‘I’ll no just say,’ quo’ he, ‘that you are far wrong in your determination, because the Tories have the ball at their foot, and are likely to rule the roast for some years.’
‘I daresay they are,’ said I; ‘but between Whigs and Tories I can make no distinction, – a Tory is but a Whig in office, and a Whig but a Tory in opposition, which makes it not difficult for a conscientious man to support the government.’
‘Really, Mr. Jobbry,’ said Mr. Curry, ‘ye were always thought a farsighted man, that could see as well through a nether millstone as another man through a stone wall; and, without complimenting you, I must say that you entertain very creditable notions of government, not to be yet a member. But, Mr. Jobbry, we are talking in confidence, and what we say to one another is not to be repeated.’
I assured Mr. Curry, with the greatest sincerity, that what he told me anent the diplomaticals should never go farther; then, said Mr. Curry, in a sedate, sober manner,
‘I know a solicitor that has a borough that wants a member, the politics of which are of a delicate tint, you understand; now, I could wise him to you, and you might consult him, – or rather, would it not be better that ye would appoint some friend to confabble with the man?’
‘Would not you do that for me?’ said I.
‘No, no,’ said he, ‘I’m a member myself, and that would not be playing the game according to Hoyle.’
‘Very well,’ said I; ‘but as I have a great inclination on all occasions to be my own executioner, ye might pass me off with the man as the friend of a gentleman that’s wishing to get into Parliament.’
‘That’s a capital device,’ said he; ‘and if you draw well together, the cost of an agent and the hazard of a witness may be saved.’
So, thereupon, it was agreed between us that he should speak on the subject to Mr. Probe the solicitor, and that I should enact towards that gentleman the representative of my friend, that was to be nameless until the bargain was concluded.
CHAPTER THREE
Next morning I had occasion to be forth at an early hour, to see some of my old friends at the Jerusalem, concerning a ballot that was that day to take place at the India House; and thus it came to pass, that before I got back to the hotel, a gentleman had called upon me, and not finding me at home, left his card, which was that of Mr. Probe the solicitor. I at first did not recollect the name, for it had been only once mentioned; but the waiter told me he would call again in the evening, having some particular private business to transact.
This intimation put me upon my guard, and then recollecting his name, I guessed the errand he had come upon, and told the waiter to prepare for us a private parlour; but in the meantime I would take my dinner in the public coffee-room.
The waiter, being an expert young man, ordered all things in a very perfect manner; and I had just finished my dinner when in came Mr. Probe; a smaller sort of man, with a costive and crimson countenance, sharp eyes, and cheeks smooth and well-stuffed: but one thing I remarked about him which I did not greatly admire, and yet could not say wherefore, namely, he had a black fore-tooth, as if addicted to the tobacco-pipe; and, moreover, although it could not be said that he was a corpulent man, he certainly was in a degree one of the fatties; but he was very polite and introductory, told me his name, how Mr. Curry had requested him to call, and was, in every respect, as couthy and pleasant as an evil spirit.
I desired the waiter to shew us up into the private room that was ordered, and bade him bring a bottle of Carbonnel’s claret – all which he soon did; and when Mr. Probe and I were comfortably seated, he opened the business.
‘Mr. Jobbry,’ said he, ‘our mutual friend, and my client, has told me that you might have some business in my way.’
‘My client!’ quo’ I to myself, – ‘mum,’ and then I continued – ‘He is an old friend of mine, and I was telling him that the time hung heavy upon my hands in the country——Oh! but that is not what I wished to speak to you about. I have a particular friend lately come from India, who is in the same condition: it’s far from my fortune, Mr. Probe, to think of going into Parliament; but my friend, who has a turn for public speaking, requested me, as I was coming to London, to see if a seat could be obtained on reasonable terms; and speaking on this subject to our mutual friend, Mr. Curry (I took care to say nothing of his client), he told me that you had a seat to dispose of, and that he would send you to me.’
‘Very correct,’ replied Mr. Probe; ‘but he made a little mistake – I have not a seat to dispose of; but a particular friend told me that he knew of one; and now I recollect of having once mentioned the subject to Mr. Curry.’
‘It’s
