on her appearance. Let’s use our words wisely, commenting on her attitude, her work ethic, and the dreams she wants to create and step into. Instead of complimenting her physical beauty, try complimenting her competence: “I see how hard you have been working today,” or “You’re really showing focus and determination when you practise.” Phrases like these help her embody her core qualities and prioritize her power over her prettiness. When she asks you, “How do I look?” you can answer, but don’t leave it there. Ask her, “How do you feel?” Remind her to focus on personalities and not attire when she is with her friends, and let her know that she can influence her peer group with her meaningful compliments in place of the social norm of criticism.
Shatter the mirror: Girls can become trapped in the mirror, endlessly fussing. Let them know that although we do not want them to leave the house with clothes mismatched or makeup running under their eyes, they need not spend too much time glaring at their reflections and looking for body parts they feel are imperfect or need “shaming.” When she looks in the mirror, help her to focus on the body parts she loves and use positive messaging when speaking about herself: “My legs are so toned and strong,” for example, or “I love the colour of my hair.” Encourage her to shift her focus from the mirror to real life, where there is so much more to think about than just body image—creating arts and crafts, photography, playing sports, skateboarding at the skate park, or meeting up with friends. Teach her to care less about looking good and more about truly living.
Dr. Marissa Bentham—clinic owner, chiropractor, and mom—is aware of her impact on her daughter’s self-image. She offers this insight: “I’ve maintained a strong awareness that my daughter is always watching and listening to me when I get dressed, when I do my hair and makeup, and when I look at myself in the mirror, so I am very intentional about the messages I send her. I am very careful not to criticize myself or my body, both for my own healthy body image, and for hers. I do put time, care, and attention into my appearance and sometimes I am concerned that it may be influencing my daughter to put too much focus in this area. I try to always reiterate to her that who we are is so much more important than how we look, but that it’s okay to want to look and feel our best.” Dr. Bentham makes a great point: a healthy body image can include both looking and feeling good; it doesn’t have to be one or the other but a balance of both.
Choose connection over disconnection: Girls turn against themselves when something goes wrong, whether that something is a poor grade, a fight with a friend, or simply not feeling good enough. They can choose to suffer in silence and disconnect not only from us but also from themselves. Unfortunately, their bodies are easy and accessible targets for their sadness, frustration, and even anger. As she becomes hyper-focused on her body—and buys into the logic of “if I were prettier, skinnier, or sexier, then I’ll feel happier”—she can easily disconnect by ignoring her feelings and often negating physical signs such as hunger, thirst, or fatigue. Worse yet, she can punish herself by overdoing it with eating, sleeping, and exercising, or distract herself from discomfort with social media and screen time. As she disconnects, she can feel more lost than ever.
This is where moms have an important role to play: you can remind her how to connect. She may not want to talk to you and connect through conversation, but you can gently point out that she may need to amp up her self-care regime. Make suggestions: drinking enough water; taking time to prepare and then nourish her body with a wholesome meal; moving her body and doing something she loves to do (preferably outside); getting enough sleep (despite the changes in her circadian rhythm that will make her want to stay up late);5 taking time to process her feelings by journalling or speaking with you. Remind her that whatever she is going through is just a moment, and that moments have a beginning and, yes, an end.
The Dad Effect
Throughout my years of working with young girls and their parents, I have seen a drastic and impressive shift from dad disengagement to dad involvement, especially when it comes to body image. In the early years of my practice, dads often appeared awkward and uncomfortable around their teenage daughters with their changing bodies, changing hormones, and emergent and strong opinions. I would hear their oft-repeated refrain, “I leave those conversations [about puberty] to her mom.” Now I field questions from interested dads who want to know, “How can I connect with her? How can I support her, and what do you think she needs to hear from me?”
Dads worry about their daughters—about their self-confidence, clothing choices, attention-seeking behaviours, and sometimes-provocative social media feeds. They may feel frustrated by the emergent conflict between her and her mom. Most dads want to be involved in their daughter’s life, and they seek to establish a healthy, loving, and fulfilling relationship. However, they often don’t understand why their daughters may radically fluctuate from bright and bubbly to angry and explosive. They wonder what happened to their sweet little girl, who has seemingly and spontaneously been replaced with a door-slamming teenager. They want to help but they don’t know how. Here are some ways to move past that bewilderment.
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