worst thing you can do here is project your fears onto her. Tell a teenage girl who she can’t hang out with and she will often purposefully defy you by making her casual acquaintance her new best friend forever (BFF). She will see you as a controlling helicopter parent (yes, she knows exactly what this is), and she will hate you hovering over her when she is trying to figure out who is in her circle. I beg you, don’t be a helicopter. At the end of the day, most girls do find their way through the “spring cleaning” season of friends, and they understand that those who surround them are shaping them. Again, this is her choice, not yours.
Culture and Society
The final ring in the series of circles surrounding your teen daughter’s centre is culture and society. The world—society in general, but social media specifically—is constantly telling your daughter who to be and how she should be defined. She is categorized by gender, sexual orientation, race, religion, clothing and style, body type, lifestyle choices, socio-economic status, education, and achievement. Concurrently, she is influenced through music, music videos, video games, movies, social media sites, television, magazines, books, billboards, celebrities, online sensations, and advertising. Marketing companies target youth by sending them a mixed message: “Be anything you want to be,” but “Be this kind of beautiful and this kind of successful.” These companies are also selling brands and products to “help” improve our impressionable girls, while simultaneously teaching them that more is better (you can never have too much) and you gotta have it now (why wait?). This is smart from a business perspective—it plants the seeds of consumerism for future buyers—but it is damaging to teen girls’ self-worth. How influential is media and social media on your teen daughter? Research tells us: very.6
Everywhere girls turn—whether to the online world or a concert featuring their favourite indie band—the message is loud and clear: be what the world tells you to be. Girls absorb the societal pressures to be good at everything, which results in the “supergirl syndrome” of trying to be super-powerful, super-strong, and super-talented—and making it look effortless. What girls may not know is that in striving for perfection they are undermining their own self-confidence as their stress skyrockets. Girls feel the demands of social stereotypes acutely as they find themselves trapped in a box that, all too often, they did not choose.
Societal messages are noisy, incessant, and often unrealistic and unhealthy, especially when it comes to body image (see chapter 2).7 The often-competing messages teen girls receive are cause for parental concern. She needs time and space to hear the quieter voice within, guiding her to follow her own path. You do not want her voice to be dimmed or silenced. So how can you help to protect your teen girl from warped societal and cultural messages? Can we undo what she’s already been brainwashed to believe and reteach her more positive messages? Yes. What I know is that girls need to be both positively inspired and positively influenced. Here are some ways to do this:
•Maintain ongoing conversations with her about limiting her screen time, as what she views is what she will see as “truth.”
•Provide competition for screen time by planning activities with her. You won’t get her to give up her phone entirely, but you may be able to entice her to go to a movie or the newest clothing store.
•Explore your own social circles for healthy role models. Look for a family friend, an older cousin, or an aunt willing to spend time with her and provide a powerful example.
The Masks of Her Identity
When adolescent girls feel they need to shield their authentic feelings and identity, they often reach quickly for a mask. A mask can serve them well when they are feeling vulnerable or deciding whom to trust. However, masks also keep girls distant and disconnected not only from others but also from themselves. And, if masks are worn constantly, girls are at risk for mistaking the mask for who they really are. If you think your teen girl is hiding behind a mask, the best way to help her lower it is simply to notice it, and then to be curious and slowly encourage her to reveal her true self.
In Growing Strong Girls, I discussed both the mean girl and the good girl facades: the former excluding, degrading, and tormenting other girls to gain a sense of power and dominance; the latter acting as the obedient rule-follower, who is an expert at keeping up appearances and being, well, “good.” Each persona serves as a disguise for the real girl who desperately wants to be included and accepted. In many ways, masks provide the perfect disguise for a teen girl seeking (even subconsciously) to protect her identity and safeguard herself from her ultimate fears of being known or misunderstood.
Let’s explore three different yet equally common masks teen girls wear: the supergirl, the invisible girl, and the cool girl. It’s important to note that girls can adopt all of these masks at various times, or none of them. Perhaps she wears an entirely different mask. In my experience, however, these three tend to be the most common.
The Supergirl Mask
The supergirl mask is conspicuous: she is the girl who does it all. She’s active on sports teams, involved in school and community activities. Not only is she a member of clubs, but she is also a leader—and don’t be surprised if her supergirl awesomeness extends to responsibilities in the home. Likely she is the eldest sibling (or appears to be) and agrees to cook dinner, babysit younger siblings, while still having time to do her homework and complete bonus projects. She’s ambitious and driven, and her achievements are outstanding. Still, I can’t help but wonder if the mask of achievement isn’t covering a deeper drive to prove her worth instead of knowing her worth. The fear of being “nothing” is so great that she pushes beyond her boundaries to achieve, but she is frequently left feeling stressed out, exhausted, and empty. What she often fails to see is that even supergirls need to recharge, and that there is a difference between wanting to “do it all” and feeling she has to “do it all.”
The demands on a supergirl are many—be productive, be ambitious, be competitive, keep up, stand out, and do something to make your life count. In her head she hears, Don’t be mediocre, average, or ordinary. Be everything. These demands can lead girls to enter the cycle of perfection (p. 39). You can support the supergirl who is all things to all people by helping her to slowly remove her mask in two clear ways. First, acknowledge her efforts. See all she is doing and give her credit. Even better, ask her to reflect on her effort and give herself credit. When girls pause and look back, they begin to “get” all they are doing. Second, offer your support. Granted, she may not take it, but offer it anyway. I will ask a supergirl client if she wants to share what is on her mind, to offload her burdens. I write out every item she tells me is on her to-do list. Then we go through each item and come up with action steps to get the job done. In this way, she can see all that is on her plate. She can make the abstract stressors real and tangible while feeling more empowered to act and much less overwhelmed.
Supergirls are often happy being productive, and happy when accomplishing. My client Rose, for example, is gifted and excelling academically. She is also musical, the lead in her high school play, and athletic—she is on two track teams. Yet every so often she tells me, “I just have occasional meltdown moments where it all feels like too much to handle. I have a big cry and usually feel better and back to myself.” My experience has taught me that regular check-ins and talks where Rose can share can provide a release. Sometimes it is that simple; she just needs a moment to find her way back to balance.
The Invisible Mask
If the supergirl believes she needs to be everything, the invisible girl is convinced she is nothing. She fades into the background of life and blends in easily. She
