she witnesses are judgment from others and self-judgment. When I asked her to offer one piece of advice to parents who notice teen girls struggling to accept themselves, she said this: “Practise acceptance of who they are rather than impose ideas of who they should be.” Teens girls are tough enough on themselves. Let’s just see them for all they are in this moment. Let’s validate the good stuff and suspend all judgment.
Genetics—How She is Born
Identity is an ongoing and multi-faceted aspect of a teen girl’s journey; how she is born is simply the beginning of that journey. The influence of genetics unfolds in the womb in that DNA will determine her gender, eye colour, height and body type, and potentially her behaviour and personality. DNA also dictates the health of her genes, her genetic predispositions, and her cognitive functioning, including possible brain-based disorders (such as attention deficit hyperactive disorder, attention deficit disorder, sensory processing disorder, or autism spectrum disorder), anxiety levels and responsiveness to stress, and physical disabilities. Some girls will be born with a genetic advantage such as intellectual giftedness, artistic or athletic prowess, or some other kind of talent. A few girls will win what Cameron Russell, in her TEDX Talk, called the “genetic lottery.”4
Some girls don’t feel like girls at all. New research on transgender or transfluid individuals now shows that there are differences in hormone levels in the brains and bodies of those who feel they don’t match their DNA. In an interesting article in The Atlantic, Jesse Singal explores the complications that can arise when teens identify as transgender. For parents, this identification often results in great uncertainty. Is it the result of an intensified search for identity in the uncertain years of adolescence, or of exposure to internet articles and YouTube videos? Or is the identification an indicator of an actual conflict between their child’s gender identity and the sex assigned at birth?5
Whatever your child’s genetic makeup, you have the most influence when it comes to helping your teen to accept what she was born with, without shame or blame, and then move forward. You can do this by telling them, “How you are born is out of your control, never your fault, and what you have to accept.” Then reassure them that “what you can control is what you do with your genetics,” and that this begins with embracing the fact that we are all unique. Girls can get stuck on labels (such as being anxious or ADD), and their fixation inevitably limits their growth and damages their self-esteem. Encourage girls to expand their view of themselves and their circle by first acknowledging what holds them back. Meet them where they are in their struggle. Connect before you redirect the conversation. Then you can ask, “What else you got?” This will prompt them to consider themselves beyond their genetic fate. You can acknowledge that she may feel she is simply “not a writer,” but you can also help her see that where she puts her focus, time, and effort is where she will develop her skill set, whether we are talking about mathematics or socializing. This is what matters most when it comes to her growth and progress. The approach is all about widening the circle of her self-perception.
Family and Life Circumstances
Teen girls live inside all kinds of families: biological, adopted, foster, blended, single-parent, double-parent, two moms, two dads, and as many differences within families as between them. Some families have greater financial means; others struggle to make ends meet. Some families are dealing with addiction, health concerns, and even extreme circumstances such as abuse and incarceration. Some girls are born into order and peace, while others are born into chaos and drama.
All families function differently, depending on family values such as integrity, curiosity, loyalty, respect, and kindness, as well as family traditions and rituals. Communication styles vary too. Some family members speak about feelings and concerns in an open and honest way. Others tend to avoid or deny feelings and important conversations. All families also have ancestral history, behavioural patterns established long ago that a teen girl is often not privy to until she is older.
No matter what circumstances she is born into, family can have a profound effect on a growing girl’s identity. Family can push her with the encouragement she needs to take a chance when scared. It can also pull at her with demands and responsibilities for which she is not ready: “As the oldest, I expect you to be in charge.” Yet a girl can reciprocate by doing some pushing and pulling of her own: simultaneously pushing family members away so she can go it alone and pulling them close for comfort and familiarity. Parents often speak to me about this confusing “I need you but I don’t want to need you” experience. Believe me, she feels as confused as you do! Some girls tell me that their parents “just don’t get” them or “are so overprotective and ask way too many questions.” But other girls surprise me with comments like “My family will be there for me in a way friends can’t be,” or “Even when I totally mess up, my parents still love me.”
What’s happening here is that your teen is testing your boundaries to see what she can get away with and if your strength and security can keep her safe. She is also learning to fact-check you—more to prove she can think for herself than to prove you wrong—and to cross-check family beliefs and values with her own. Family can be her rock, a place where she feels most like herself and where she can unburden her stressors. But family can also be a source of stress, forcing her to be someone she is not. The conflict between wanting to be independent and yet needing to feel dependent on family is deeply felt by many teen girls, whether they are fourteen or nineteen. It will take some balance from you to show her how to balance that conflict in herself.
Choice and Voice
The teen years are tricky to navigate when it comes to family. You may want to continue with family time and the “way things were,” while she is eager to break free from “jail.” You’ll need to find compromise and balance. Living in your home, she’s still expected to have chores, duties, and responsibilities. A teen girl trying to figure out who she is as a separate entity from her family will need more choice to use her voice. Choice and voice in the family home will build up her self-confidence and her self-worth, both of which will serve her well outside of the home. Here are some ways to provide opportunities for her to practise using her voice:
•Ask her opinion about dinner and weekend plans, and delve deeper into current events and social issues. She may instinctively say, “I don’t know,” but give her time to consider and ask what she does know.
•Encourage her to examine her opinions and state why she thinks what she does. Listen and stay open-minded. Say things like “I want to understand where you are coming from. Tell me more.”
•Avoid assuming that she is unaware of various topics or dismissing what she says as uninformed.
•Assure your teen that she can tell you anything—and mean it. Show her you are available and ask questions out of curiosity, not judgment.
•Be inquisitive about what’s below the surface. Ask, “How was the party last night? Was it what you expected?” Or “I notice you’re putting in a lot of time on social media. What kinds of posts are you seeing?” Or “You seem quiet lately. I’d love to hear what’s on your mind.” When you ask creative and open-ended questions—questions she may not expect from you—you invite her to share.
•Respond with understanding and encouragement when she offers you an insight into her world. Even if you are shocked by what she says, remain calm in your response.
•Refrain from assuming she doesn’t want to talk; she may not know how to get her words out. Giving her choice instead can help: “Does your ‘I’m fine’ mean you are, in fact, fine, or do you need more time to consider how you are doing?” (Sometimes “I’m fine” actually
