style of parenting I recommend is that of the periphery parent. You are not her friend or in her circle. You are her parent—far enough away so she has the space and freedom to make her own choices, to feel free to be herself, and, yes, to make her own mistakes, but close enough to offer your encouragement and guidance and provide strength and security as she needs. She will show you she is ready to be her own person, but remember this: she still needs you, just in new and different ways.
Parenting from the periphery requires a new way of relating and a new approach. Periphery parenting means getting comfortable with being the observer on the outskirts, the silent supporter, ready when she needs you or when absolutely necessary but avoiding interfering or intervening when she is doing all right on her own. As we all know, teen girls can be moody, unpredictable, rebellious, truculent, and confusing. But they can also be strong, brave, confident, courageous, loving, enthusiastic, surprising, and amazing. This is why how we speak to them and also about them matters so much, as does how we treat them. Treading carefully and intentionally through these unchartered waters is not easy (we may fall into power struggles, arguments, and use of “colourful language”). Nevertheless, I encourage you to keep at it with patience and practice, to acquire some knowledge of the development of the teenage brain, and to accept that from time to time you will make mistakes too. Because that is what she wants from you!
Begin parenting on the periphery with listening: listen to what your teen girl has to say, and feel for the emotions behind her words. Listen without judgment. Wait in the silence and allow her to pause and consider before speaking. Hold space for her to simply be in the moment or in the feeling with you. Let your daughter make choices and help her predict the consequences. Choose truth-telling without sugar-coating or lies. Carefully monitor her emotions and decide when a situation is serious enough to get involved. Be ready to talk and “lean in” when she signals that she is open for it, and be willing to back away and commit to trying again another day when you feel her shut down. Opt for asking open questions such as “Can you tell me more about your weekend?” instead of “Did you have fun?” Let her speak and don’t rush to change topics, especially if you feel uncomfortable. Give advice if it is warranted, but ask her if she wants it first. Choose guidelines over rules and, where possible, create these together.
On days when you feel you are screwing up—such as when you make assumptions about her, lose your patience, pick a fight, correct her, take over to show her how it’s done, or jump in to solve her problem—accept that you are not perfect, and neither is your daughter. What you can be is an “eternal learner,” a parent committed to learning every day and never giving up.
So much can get in your way when you parent your teen girl. You may feel you are inadequate, archaic, or irrelevant (teen girls are adept at making you feel this way!). You may be consumed or overwhelmed with your own history or past mistakes. Your daughter needs you to let go of and move through those feelings so you can keep providing her with a safe space to be her true self, to unburden, and to lean on you. This will take self-belief and confidence, time, effort, and so much patience on your part. And then, just when you figure it out, she will change and need you in a new way. This is precisely what makes parenting both interesting (and surprising) and unending.
Connecting with Your Teen
Your connection with your teen girl, and how you connect with her, is everything. As a parent on the periphery you’ll be challenged to cultivate connection in new and possibly creative ways. Research in the 1960s and 1970s conducted by attachment theorists such as John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth8 and the most recent neuroscientific studies support the concept that there is great power and vitality in relational connection. Attachment is the innate biological mechanism that bonds humans together and underlies love. When you create a safe and trusting relationship with time, presence, understanding, and emotional attunement, your teen learns she can rely on you. She feels seen, heard, validated, and valued; she feels that you “get” her. This kind of connection—whether with you or someone else who is close to her—helps a girl feel secure and calm.
When you connect in any way with your teen girl, you contribute to her brain’s neural connectivity and its physical structure. Neuropsychologist Donald Hebb coined the phrase “neurons that fire together, wire together” to describe the process of neurons in her brain firing with each experience. Over time and with repetition, this firing creates stronger and faster neural connections, particularly in the limbic system, where the attachment circuitry lies and where her emotions are regulated.
The “right” kind of connection transpires when her experiences are met with kindness, empathy, and reassurance: words, for example, such as “I am here for you” or “I understand how you are feeling.” This stands in contrast to the connections that are forged out of criticism and judgment or shame and blame. These negative connections activate a girl’s stress response system. They alert her to danger by flooding her body with adrenaline and cortisol (the stress hormones) and propelling her into the automatic “flight, fight, and freeze” mode. They also wire her brain’s circuitry to be hyper-aware for and anxious about the next instance of perceived danger. She will flounder and feel uprooted.
If you are feeling concerned because your daughter has already experienced anxiety-provoking situations or trauma, please hear this: There is hope. The plasticity of the brain allows for change. Wherever she is at and whatever she has experienced, her brain has the capacity to create new neural pathways. You can help to rewire her brain by exposing her to new experiences and connecting with her via empathy, compassion, and care, all of which allow her to feel safe and cared for, decrease her stress levels, and increase feelings of security. In order to feel competent, teen girls need one relationship that engages heart and mind. This relationship may be with you as her parent, or another adult with whom she can be herself and share and feel safe.
Researchers and scientists work hard at proposing hypotheses, experimenting, and reporting their findings. We glean the benefits of such diligence. But beyond all of the research, and beyond all of the things that you instinctively know, is one vital thing: love. Despite the teen rebellion, despite the eye rolling, the hand-on-hip mannerisms, and the sarcastic wit she has now mastered, you love your teen daughter unconditionally, relentlessly, fervently, deeply, and unequivocally. You love her because that is the most important thing you have to offer her as her parent. Your love promotes connection.
Disconnection happens when your daughter feels unable to speak freely. She may feel blocked by fear of being judged, criticized, or misunderstood, and she will hold back and hang on to the accompanying frustration of her missed opportunity to disclose. Disconnection sounds like “Really? You decided to wear that today?” or “Are you still working on your homework? What’s taking so long?” We disconnect from teens any time we judge, criticize, assume, and throw doubt or disbelief their way; when we tell them how they are feeling, give advice too readily, or try to fix or solve problems without involving them. Disconnection is not what you or your teen girl wants, but it can happen in the blink of an eye, and afterward, you may catch yourself wondering why you said what you said or did what you did. No one is immune. This happens often with my teen clients, especially when I say the wrong thing, make the wrong suggestion, or forget something she has told me countless times. The imaginary brick wall comes down—she will not say a thing—and I am stonewalled. But these moments of disconnect can be remedied if you work to become aware of when they are happening and seek to turn that around. I wrote this book to help you do just that.
The insights in these pages are based on my experience with teen girls and those supporting them. I have gained a plethora of ideas from girls who have told me what helps their growth, and what hinders it. I’ve also learned from their parents, who have expressed their concerns and let me know where they have most succeeded. Rooted, Resilient, and Ready is designed to help you parent your “becoming” teen daughter in this changing world. It offers an exploration of the eight most important concerns when it comes to raising teenage girls today: identity, body image, mental health, social media, relationships, peer pressure, sex, and the future.
