growing teen girl’s identity is shaped by many factors and is the culmination of her values, interests, beliefs, personality, and “place in life.” She is becoming herself through the interactions she has with others and the feedback she receives. Keep in mind that her brain is developing. Teen girls experience the most dramatic brain growth in adolescence, during which there is an increase in brain matter and the brain is becoming more interconnected and gaining processing power. In her early teen years, her brain relies more heavily on the limbic system (the emotional centre) than the prefrontal cortex (the rational centre). As your teen girl grows, other parts of her brain are able to process emotion and she is more able to be calm, rational, and reasonable.2 Eventually, the sometimes-exaggerated emotions of middle adolescence will become less intense and more balanced as she considers who she is and absorbs the broader perspective of who she is becoming.
Parents have the privileged position of watching as their teen girls grow into increasingly independent and mature young women. Many a parent has shared with me their wonder over this transition. (“I felt so proud watching her positive energy with her friends on their way to the concert,” for example.) But parents also tell me how, at times, watching the growth process can be difficult. So many changes are happening all at once, and there are changes they didn’t anticipate. The toughest part for parents seems to be dealing with disappointment around who their teen daughter is becoming. You may have hoped she would be an athlete, but she would rather draw and work on her art. You may have wanted her to be social, like you, and enjoy a large and eclectic circle of friends, yet all she wants is alone time in her room, where she can be absorbed with her imagination or her smartphone. You may have imagined her wearing skirts and dresses, but her style is pants and her older brother’s hoodies.
When parents feel that their expectations are not being met or that their daughter is not living up to her potential, they typically try to help. Unfortunately, that “help” often comes via limiting language, which can cause frustration. A discussion about career choices could include a statement such as “You really don’t want to pursue hair and makeup; there’s no money in that.” Or a chat about an extracurricular passion might end with “Honey, you’re just not the musical type,” or “Perhaps you should let someone else take the lead in the school musical.” Your intention may be to help her “be her best,” and even to protect her from any hint of disappointment, but what she’s hearing you say is this: “You are not good enough as you are.”
You want the best for her. You may even want her to have a better life than yours. But she needs to choose a life of her own. One of the most important things I hear from teen girls—and I hear it often—is that they need you to accept their choices as they figure out their uniqueness.
Helping your teen girl explore her identity begins with letting go of any preconceived expectations of who you want her to be. In doing so, you can give her the space she needs to step into who she truly wants to be. In the quest to be supportive, parents may inadvertently tell girls who they should be, especially when applying labels or offering guidance or limitations: “You are quirky,” or “You have a dancer’s body,” or “You need to put more time into science so you can get a good job in that field.” This may cause confusion. Labels can feel like boundaries, but she may nevertheless sacrifice herself to fit them. From a brain-development perspective, her connection to you is her lifeline.3 Most girls will do anything to keep that lifeline of attachment open, even if it means bending to meet parental expectations. Essentially, she will be who she thinks you need her to be in order to alleviate fears of separation and disconnection.
What if you don’t like who she is becoming and your knee-jerk reaction is to steer her in the opposite direction? This is when you need to be calm, centre yourself, and change your approach. Remember, periphery parent. Be ready to guide her, not control her, by asking questions about how she’s changing and if she is happy with the person she’s becoming. Try asking, “What do you like best about yourself, or least?” Consider offering her this compliment: “I love how (kind/confident/competent) you are becoming.” When we tell girls who we want them to be and place them in categories, we hinder their quest for authentic identity. Instead of being in denial about who she is becoming (“My daughter would never be bisexual”—despite the fact that she’s mentioned having both boy and girl crushes) or being dismissive (“Her interest in playing the drums is just a phase”—even though she’s been practising for years), we help girls tremendously when we accept what they show us. Ultimately, when we accept her, she learns to accept herself.
SAMI
I actually don’t like it when people over-identify with any one aspect of their identity. It bothers me. Even with people who are part of the LGBTQ spectrum and only identify with that part of them and I know there has to be more to them. There is so much more to them. That’s one of my pet peeves. I try not to over-identify with any one part of me because I know there are so many aspects of me. All of our different parts fit into a puzzle, and I acknowledge that all those pieces are there and they make up a picture that is me. To take any one of those pieces and focus too hard on it is not really respecting all the other pieces and allowing myself to be the entire puzzle.
I am light-skinned but I am half black and I am treated as the acceptable token black person. I am “ethnically ambiguous.” When people ask me, “What are you?” I know it’s such an inappropriate question. I am not denying myself but I know how to pull on different aspects of my identity when they serve me best. It’s similar to code-switching, which a lot of people of colour have to do. They have to know how to talk to different groups in a different way to be taken seriously. Women have to do this as well. They can talk to their friends a certain way. But when they talk to their bosses or men, they have to speak differently to get their point across.
Her Centre and Circles of Influence
Identity is a tricky concept to unpack, as these teen years are all about growth, movement, and expansion. I view a teen girl as surrounded by a series of concentric circles representing her genetics, family, peers, and her culture and society. Your daughter is standing in the centre of her own circle surrounded by these circles of influence, all of which may exert pressure and constantly reflect back to her a version of “who she is.” As she learns to stand strong and rooted in her own circle, she feels the competing interests and allegiances between these circles. At best, she will deal with the pressures by setting firm boundaries and becoming more secure and certain in her own choices and decisions. At worst, she will give in, give up, and yield to the pressures around her. This may result in her feeling deflated, disappointed, and, most likely, lost in her identity.
We need her to feel shaped positively by surrounding circles of influence but still free to discover who she is, in her own way and in her own time. For when she stands inside her circle, she is rooted in her strengths and capabilities, and she is strong and secure. She will not be pushed out of her own circle. She knows she has the right to be standing there. She owns her space.
As described in the introduction, you are standing in a supportive role as a “parent on the periphery” (p. 6), but you are also closest to her centre. Now is the time to view her identity on a broad spectrum of possibilities rather than through a specific definition or role. Nothing will feel better to her than knowing you are there—with an open mind—if she needs you, and that she has your full support and space to grow. The world will try to tell her who she ought to be. Your message to her must be louder and stronger: “You do you.” The knowledge that you have her back will safeguard her against any insult or pushback she receives from others. Your assurance that she is the centre of her own circle will serve as a defence against other circles that have the potential to distort her true identity.
Therapist
