I worry about today’s girls. I worry about how quickly they are growing up, and the pressure I know they feel to be “perfect.” I worry about their busy schedules, their push for more, and the stress they are forced to deal with every day—to keep up, to fit in, to look like they know what they are doing, to achieve, and to succeed. I worry about the pressures they feel specifically when it comes to relationships, sex, and social media. I worry they are becoming who others want them to be rather than investing the time needed to figure out who they want to be.
I also spend a lot of time wishing. I wish adolescent girls could see what we see. I wish they could see their potential for power, strength, and confidence. I wish for them to grow up strong, with self-belief, dogged determination, and the ability to work hard—with grit, perseverance, and unwavering resilience. I wish that every single teenage girl could love and value herself, do all that she loves to do, know her greatness, see her beauty, feel confident, take risks, show her boldness and audacity, voice her opinion, and absolutely not care what people think. Ultimately, I wish for teen girls to feel rooted, resilient, and ready for this world—for both what it has to offer them and for all they have to contribute.
That’s why I wrote this book—to help you guide her to be rooted in her identity, resilient to the changes and challenges she will face as she grows up, and ready to become her best self as she steps into her future. One parent I spoke to said it best: “We want our girls to be strong, happy, and healthy, filled with love and hope, and purpose.” Yes, we do. The question is “How?” I hear often from parents with variations on this simple question. “How do we nurture relationships with our teen girls when they push us away?” “How do we get close when we feel so far removed?” “How do we understand what they are going through when they don’t tell us any details?” “How do we support teen girls as they grow up, guiding them in the right direction while also giving them the space they want and need to make their own mistakes and figure things out for themselves?” I know you wonder and worry too. And I want to address your concerns, offer suggestions, and answer those questions.
The things that I wonder about, worry about, and wish for girls have changed and intensified as the world has advanced rapidly. Twenty years ago, the world was a different place. Over a decade ago we didn’t have smartphones, Facebook, Instagram, or Snapchat. We shopped in real stores, not virtual ones. We had in-person conversations and caught up over coffee. We may be getting used to this version of living—this is all girls know to be true—but there’s no doubt that many of these recent changes have increased the pressure for teen girls to grow up. There is pressure to be beautiful and talented, equipped and empowered, and involved in the community. There is pressure to keep up with social media and trends, fit in with friends (while also discovering her uniqueness), and make it all look effortless.
Girls today are part of the iGeneration, a cohort born between 1995 and 2012. They are known to be super-comfortable with technology and constantly “connected” to social media and their devices.1 This is how they relate to one another, how they survive; in fact, it is the only way they know. They prefer software to hardware (an e-book or audio version as opposed to an actual book), and they live in a fast-paced, always changing, digital world, with access to anything they want 24/7. Occasionally, they will step out of their online world (BRB, or “be right back”) to spend brief moments in the real world—perhaps for a breath of fresh air or a snack—before heading back to the familiarity and comfort of the internet. She will typically be wearing jeans, a topknot, and ear buds, and she’s likely involved in several “textlationships” (a relationship primarily based on texting).
There’s no doubt that this ubiquitous digital world shapes and influences a girl, exposing her to thousands of digital images as she scrolls and swipes her device for up to nine hours each day.2 I am convinced that this constant stream of info and imagery is having a profound impact on the pressure she feels to be all things to all people. Research3 shows that this generation of girls is growing up sooner and faster than any other generation, physically, emotionally, socially, and, yes, sexually.4 There is the pressure to be herself but also to conform; to have a voice but refrain from being too loud or too strong; to be a leader but not overly ambitious or threatening; to do her part in the home while creating her own life outside of its comforts; to think for herself but to ask for help when she needs it; to maintain her social media profile yet withstand the pressures to be pretty and sexy; to focus on being her best self without joining the chase for perfection. These are the pressures girls talk openly about.
Less often mentioned, but arguably applying even more pressure, are the silent struggles teen girls often hide: struggles with gender identity, sex and sexualization, and mental health concerns such as anxiety and depression. And then there is the brewing conflict between yearning for independence and feeling stuck in a state of dependence, between wanting to face the world alone and prepared, and knowing (but perhaps not admitting) that she’s just not ready—yet.
Your teenage daughter is changing in every way imaginable. Her body is changing as she goes through puberty. Her brain is changing as it sprouts, prunes, and reorganizes neuronal circuits.5 Her language is shifting to become more self-deprecating and comparative. And her social circles are evolving as she tries to figure out who she is and where she belongs. These are the years when her inner circle of friends becomes so important. Not only do they benefit from her time and attention, but they also become the holders of her secrets, the ones she trusts with the inner workings of her mind. It is a time of great change for you as well, as you must learn to let go of her hand and let her grow up.
Imagine a circle. When your daughter was a little girl, the two of you stood together in that circle. Now that she is a teen, she is standing in the circle on her own. Using a hula hoop as a prop, I tell girls: “You are the centre of your own circle. Two feet planted firmly on the ground. You are the one who gets to make your own choices and decisions and decide who and what you want in or out of your circle.” Her circle is her boundary; her circle is her power; her circle is the life she is creating for herself. And it truly is her circle. You are no longer in the centre with her, and this is a healthy indicator of her growth.
Although you are her chef, chauffeur, cheerleader, tutor, coach, counsellor, and—let’s face it—bank machine, you are no longer her everything. But you are her someone. As she grows, you experience the tacit process of letting go of who she once was and watching her grow into someone new. This can be difficult. At the same time, though, it is incredibly rewarding. As teens grow, they are yearning for independence, freedom, and the chance to show you that they can do it, that they don’t need you quite as much as they used to. The hand that reaches out to hold yours every once in a while is just as likely to be raised in the classic gesture that says “stop.” It’s her way of telling you, “I got this. I don’t need your help!”
Parenting from the Periphery
Popular culture has some stereotypical boxes for parents, including tiger parents (strict and demanding parents who push and pressure their children); helicopter parents (who pay extremely close attention to their child’s experiences and problems); lawnmower or snowplow parents (who attempt to save their children from any obstacle, pain, or inconvenience they may face); outsourcers (parents who choose to pay professionals to do the work of parenting for them); and jellyfish parents (who let their kids do anything they want).6 In The Dolphin Way, Dr. Shimi Kang suggests that the ideal parent is authoritative in nature but firm and flexible.7
The parenting style that is best for you and your daughter will depend on your unique relationship. Sometimes parenting will require tough love: reinforcing the rules you have set out for her when she needs to be held accountable for her actions (or inactions), or when she has to be called out on rudeness, disrespect, and disobedience. Other times, you’ll need to offer her soft love: when she is being hard on herself, when she has royally screwed up and she knows it, or when she is going through hardships or a season of loss. You know best how she ticks, and what is needed depending on the situation
