tools I have tried; what parents are experiencing with their daughters; and what girls themselves have to say. Each chapter includes conversation starters, and ends with concrete steps you can take to help her growth, along with a list of corresponding countersteps that can hinder it. For printable PDFs of key concepts, visit www.LindsaySealey.com. There is also a resource section at the end of this book with recommended websites, apps, and TED Talks.
Teenage girls have always interested and fascinated me as much as they have baffled and bewildered me. At times, girls offer viewpoints that I find so refreshing and creative. Other times, I too experience the brick wall—the one constructed to keep us out and block us from reaching her. Like you, I sometimes don’t know how to get in. What I do know is that I never give up. I keep trying and, eventually, I find my way. I am asking you to do the same. Some days, I celebrate my triumphs (even the small ones, like getting her to smile). Other days I wallow in my failings (I know I came across as critical and harsh). What works one day may not work the next. What works with one girl might never work with another. We all have to remember that we are doing our best, and as life changes and she changes, we can change too. And please be assured that not all of the changes I discuss in this book are going to happen all at once!
You decide what works best for you and your daughter—there is no perfect blueprint. You will have to find your own way as well. Take one step and one day at a time. As she establishes her circle and feels your support from the periphery, she is likely to invite you in—but in her time and her way. If we want girls to step into the best version of themselves, we need to step out of their way while we continue to reassure them that we’ll be there for them. Step by step, we can help girls be more rooted, resilient, and ready for whatever their future may bring.
NOTE TO READERS ON INCLUSION
Rooted, Resilient, and Ready has been written to nurture and support those raising teenage girls. Its aim is to provide the necessary and relevant research, information, experiences, and ideas and, at the same time, be as inclusive, expansive, and collaborative as possible.
With this goal comes the consideration of a diversity of teenage girls with respect to size, shape, and body type; ages and abilities; family, cultural, ethnic, and religious backgrounds; levels of education, social economic status, and external influencing factors; psychological dispositions, personality types, and maturity levels. Some content will be more relevant for your thirteen-year-old; other content will be more suitable for your seventeen-year-old.
That said, Rooted, Resilient, and Ready has its limitations. First, there is the limit of the author’s worldview. How we make sense of the world is shaped by personal life experiences, cognitive capacity, and perceptions and interpretations. Even with an open mind and good intentions, one can not consider all possibilities or all perspectives. This is also true when considering different beliefs and value systems. Different parents will have different “hard lines” when it comes to various topics, especially with relationships, substance use, and sex.
Second, Rooted, Resilient, and Ready seeks to proffer advice and guidance to readers. But a book can never replace professional medical attention. Those with serious concerns need customized advice from the most appropriate experts. If you feel that a young person is in danger or is endangering someone else, please take immediate action and seek professional assistance.
Third, this book is bound to the societal constructs of gender and non-traditional gender identities. For constancy, the pronouns “she” and “her” are used throughout, even when individuals have identified as non-binary. However, it is the hope that as societal changes are further embraced and accepted, the language will become more inclusive and new language will emerge.
Finally, the true stories and experiences of girls and their supporters are presented. To protect the privacy of individuals and their families, names and identifying details have been changed and thus individual stories have become compilation stories. This is with the exception of the photos throughout the book, where the girls have permitted the use of their real names.
Girls who are rooted have two feet firmly planted on the ground. They are certain and secure; fierce and fearless; unapologetic about who they are.
A rooted girl believes she is valuable and worthy. She accepts her strengths and areas of growth, knows her values. Society may pressure her to look a certain way, but she sets her own identity. She sees through the illusions of social media and chooses not to measure her self-worth through likes and followers. She knows her time is better invested in knowing herself.
Rooted girls use their voices to ask for what they need and to speak up for what matters most to them. They can clarify who they are and what they are becoming, their dreams and goals.
Rootedness is the solid foundation on which teen girls can stand. The deeper their roots, the stronger they will be. That is why we must help girls to be grounded and strong. When we see her as she is and “get” her by actively listening to her, she becomes more rooted, more confident, and more likely to grow into a strong and powerful woman.
WHO SHE IS BECOMING
SELFIES. NETFLIX. MUSIC. Spotify. YouTube. Hanging out with friends. Ripped jeans and sneakers. Scrolling through her social media feeds: this is your teen girl’s world. Pleasing, performing, and perfecting: these are her challenges.
Undoubtedly, by the time she turns thirteen and is officially entering adolescence, she has already been doing more on her own, wanting to spend her time with friends, and showing early signs of “teenager rebellion,” such as boundary pushing, especially when it comes to household rules around curfew, clothing, and screen time. Yes, she is likely doing some eye rolling and offering up a little sass, telling you that you “just don’t get her” while her strategically positioned hand rests on her hip.
And yet, “getting” a young, impressionable teenage girl is no easy task. It’s difficult to determine who she is becoming because she is in a state of constant flux amid chaotic societal influences. Some girls seem to be clear on who they are and are confident enough to tell me what makes them unique, like fourteen-year-old Ayisha: “I think my voice makes me unique,” she said. “Many people say that I’m too loud, but I think they are too quiet.” Other girls showed more doubt—like Morgan, who shyly responded with typical teen upspeak, “I think I am nice and caring?” When I interviewed eighteen-year-old Laurel, a girl with an incredibly calm demeanour and a light sprinkle of freckles dusted across her face, she quietly reflected, “It’s funny when you look at pictures of your younger self, thinking that you knew it all.” Girls often feel more grown up than they are and feeling that way is part of growing up.
Psychologists tell us that the two most fundamental milestones of adolescent development include understanding identity and gaining social acceptance—knowing who she is and feeling she belongs. As girls are figuring out what roles they play, such as daughter, sister, friend, student, and teammate, they are also figuring out themselves: their interests, hobbies, qualities, likes, dislikes, and beliefs. During this dynamic time, teenage girls are perpetually changing, developing, and learning, and are deeply engaged in the maturation process. According to David G. Myers and C. Nathan DeWall, “adolescence is a time of vitality without the cares of adulthood, a time of rewarding friendships, heightened idealism, and a growing sense of life’s exciting possibilities.”1 Adolescents don’t know everything, but they are beginning to know something, especially that their lives are
