style="font-size:15px;"> She’ll talk when she’s ready, and you need to be ready and available for these occasionally rare moments. Conversations can be had around the dinner table, or during rituals parents commit to, such as Saturday morning breakfast at her favourite cafe. But more likely these conversations will happen spontaneously: in the car on the drive home from soccer, just before bed when you say a quick good night, or when you find her lounging across your bed with her iPad. Remember: your frustrations about her choice of clothing or friends, or undone chores and homework, or myriad other things you fight about are not the conversations she wants to have—they distract from the real stuff, the good stuff. She wants to tell you how afraid she feels to go to PE class and about the rejection she sometimes feels in her peer group. But she can’t get there until she feels safe and ready. Most of all, a girl needs to know that her decision to create a life better than the one she was born into is a positive step forward. She need not feel guilty or ashamed. Family circumstances do not—should not—hold her back from who and all she wants to become. We can tell her this!
The Effect of Peers on a Teen Girl’s Identity
I’ll talk more about the influence of peers, for good and bad, in chapter 6. Here, though, I want to explore the effects of peers on a teen girl’s identity, as these are formative influences. There comes a point in every teen girl’s life when she likes spending time with her family a little less and time with her friends a little more. This transition period from the comfort of home to the new and unfamiliar social world can be easy for parents who choose to let go and more difficult for those who choose to cling tighter, filled with worry and trepidation that pressures from peers are too much for their little girls.
Without a doubt, her friends are now influencing her far more than you can. You may not like her friends or even know them. Gone are the days of scheduling play dates and chatting with other parents to confirm (and vet) them beforehand. She’s making her own choices now and it’s tough to watch, especially when those choices are not healthy, when she gives up who she is in order to be accepted, and when she is so worried about fitting in that she forgets about herself. The truth is that her identity, her values, her interests, her habits, and her self-worth work in close connection. She is learning important social mores, such as letting her friend finish her story before offering her own opinion, and the unwritten social rules of girlhood, like sharing exciting news with confidence but not conceit. Other girls will call her out on unacceptable social behaviours, and she will learn quickly. But right now, she needs others to understand both her own identity and how to behave.
She will start sorting out whom she wants to spend time with: Someone like her, with shared values and interests? Or someone not like her at all, so she can learn to step outside of her comfort zone? She is figuring out who she is in relationships, what kinds of friends she wants in her circle, and what kind of friend she wants to be. And she’s wondering where she belongs: Is it with the cool girls, the girly girls, the sporty girls, the creatively artistic girls, or the girls who have formed a group because none of them belong anywhere else? Fourteen-year-old Sierra, with tight blond curls and a bouncy personality to match, told me, “Trust is one of the most important parts of friendship. You need to know who you can count on and who will keep your secrets, no matter what.” Finally, your teen girl will have to figure out who she is amidst confusing friendship tactics like exclusion, boast posts on social media designed to activate her fear of missing out, or the silent treatment. As twenty-two-year-old Mila, who is now pursuing her college degree, shared, “Friends can be the best and worst. They can come into your life at your worst times, but also leave you at your best.”
Girls I speak with love having a group of friends that they feel build them up and embolden them to be brave. Friends help them to feel “normal” when they share common interests, hobbies, opinions, and worries as well as an emotional connection. But girls also feel deeply the pressures that come with friendships: to dress like other girls, to talk like them, to be interested in the same things, and to even share the same tastes in music and celebrities, even if that means not being true to themselves (see chapter 6 for more on peer pressure). Although there is safety and normalcy in sameness and conformity, girls also often reveal how much they wish they could “do whatever I want and not be judged.”
I met Emma when her mother reached out to me for help with Emma’s social skills. Emma had no real friendships at school and was labelled “weird” in the worst sense of the word, as in “weirdo.” Emma had slowly separated from the other girls in her class, with whom she felt she had nothing in common. Instead, she began to solidify what she loved to do: she biked to school instead of getting a ride, like the other girls; she brought her lunch to school in recyclable containers instead of buying one; and in class she would speak up about feminist issues, while avoiding chats with girls about boys and weekend plans.
I was challenged because I did not want to confuse Emma with a mixed message: be yourself but change to fit in. As we got to know each other better, I affirmed all the times she used positive social skills, such as asking questions, listening and responding to some of my comments, and complimenting me. Emma was less strong in social skills such as showing empathy, connecting with others’ feelings, and taking the time to understand or even learn from an opinion different than her own. I loved that Emma was herself, and I told her so frequently. At the same time, I helped her develop her social skills so that she could have “the best of both worlds.” I’ll never forget the joy that spread across her face when she told me how the other girls were starting to ask her questions about riding her bike to school and some of her passion projects around social issues.
Girls do know that their identities are being shaped by people they spend a lot of time with, and they do struggle to find their unique identity within the group culture. Just like Emma, they want the best of both worlds: enough conformity to feel “normal” and enough authenticity to feel “special.” Girls long for this kind of balance. Yet research shows us that despite their best intentions to be independent thinkers and have unique personalities, when the choice is between staying true to their voice or giving in to the group, most girls choose the latter because the fear of social rejection is debilitating. A teen girl often feels she does not have a choice between these two poles—she either agrees and gives in or is ostracized, also known as social disaster. The desire for belonging is so great that a teen girl will do anything—and I mean anything—to belong, even if she knows the danger of surrender means losing herself in favour of pleasing others. In other words, she will shape-shift, or be defined by and shaped by other people. I will talk more about how to help your teen girl avoid this pitfall later (p. 42).
Your daughter’s experiences in friendship are where you will see the most experimentation with her personality. Depending on the group she is hanging out with, she may be mean or bossy, sweet or quiet, hyper or crazy, quirky or calm. You may drop her off at school in the morning sporting one personality only to pick her up in the afternoon trying out a new one, complete with its own vernacular and attitude: “Mom, you totally don’t, like, get it, but you need to take me for sushi. I’m staaaaaaarving.” This imposter may not be the daughter you waved goodbye to in the morning, but never fear: she will be back, once she figures out how to sound more like herself.
What you can do is keep an eye on her, be curious about her friends, and check in with her about how she’s feeling after spending time with different people. Ask her what qualities are important to her in friendship and remind her that you trust her. Tell her to listen to her gut and trust her feelings about which friends are best suited to her. For instance, you can ask, “What do you like best about Zoe?” Or “I notice you giving up a lot to do what Sophie wants. What does Sophie give up for you?” We can help girls pay attention to their friend experiences in order to gain a better understanding of some fundamentals of friendship—namely, respect, reciprocity, loyalty, and care. If a friend doesn’t fit her standard,
