of invisibility. She may speak, but she’s apt to do so in a mere whisper and usually in a self-deprecating way: “Why bother going? Nobody will notice me anyway.”
Rarely will these invisible “nobodies” share their voices or make choices. The more you demand of her, the more frustrated you may feel, and the smaller she will want to become. Invisible girls are wearing the mask of “nobody loves me and I don’t love myself,” and they are covering up not only low self-esteem but also fading self-belief. They prefer to hide and be overlooked unknowns than to draw any attention to themselves. Granted, some girls are more shy and sensitive than others, and choose to be under the radar. But their “I don’t matter” mask is often covering up an internal scream: I want to matter and I don’t know how! Since these girls protect themselves well with their masks, they are often dismissed and discounted, which leads them to conclude that they are not important.
The invisible mask is a challenging one to remove; the girl who is wearing it is the hardest to reach, guarded and scared. However, it is possible to reach her slowly and patiently. Girls who feel invisible often want to stay that way. You can gently encourage her out of her shell by helping her to see herself in a more positive light. Seek out moments where she reveals anything—whether via a witty comment, a cheeky smile, or a one-off insight—and bring it to her attention. “Wow, that was astute.” Tell her repeatedly that when she reveals herself you really enjoy who she is, and encourage that girl to show up more often. Reassure her that she is most definitely a “somebody” and help her develop her self-belief by gathering evidence in her favour. Girls often do the opposite, building a case against themselves to prove how they “always screw up.” Comments like “See! You thought you could never order your own food in a restaurant, but now you do it all the time” are the kind of evidence she needs to hear. With practice she will learn to be less uncomfortable showing up as who she really is.
The Cool Girl Mask
Is your daughter always “fine,” indifferent, apathetic, often showing little interest? If so, she is likely masquerading as the cool girl—too cool to try, too cool to take risks, and too cool to take part in new activities. At the same time, she knows it all and has done it all. I often see this mask in place during my workshops. The girl wearing it is the participant who refuses to join in. She may opt for sketching instead of completing a handout. She may challenge a group activity by standing on the sidelines, offering up long sighs of exasperation coupled with dramatic eye rolling. If she eventually agrees to join in, she does so with an oh-so-dismissive “whatever” or the know-it-all phrase “I’ve done this before.” It is difficult to convince her to try anything because she is set on her intentional indifference.
The cool girl mask serves a purpose: to hide the fear of not knowing how, not succeeding, and looking foolish. Taking a chance on something new, and sharing her real feelings, makes her feel too vulnerable, so she becomes the cool girl and a powerful influence on her peers.
To encourage the cool girl to show her true self, you must be on her side, saying things like “I know this may not be your thing.” At the same time, you need to attune to her feelings: “You seem a little scared. Did I get that right?” Girls wearing the cool girl mask benefit from feeling understood and finding compromise. Link something she knows how to do, such as math, with something that is new to her and that she appears not to care about, like computer coding. Point out the connection—both require her trial-and-error learning skills—and be there with her as she tries. Cool girls need plenty of reminders to share who they are; they need to be shown, again and again, that people want to see the “real” them. Celebrate any time she steps out of her comfort zone and any steps of bravery she takes.
SONG-AH
For sure I wear the tough girl mask and definitely in sports because all my friends are in very competitive sports—like at the national level—in swimming, in soccer, and in softball. I feel like when I play sports with them, I try to be tough and pretend I know what I am doing because they are so good. I don’t want them to see that I doubt myself and feel I am not yet good enough at sports. It’s easier not to be vulnerable. When you are vulnerable you can get really hurt by people and they could make fun of you. If you act tough, people can’t hurt you. I don’t feel ready to lower this mask yet. I feel like it would be hard and I’d feel that people would treat me differently or exclude me. If I weren’t wearing the tough girl mask, I think I’d be happy inside that I don’t have to pretend anymore and also relieved—it’s a lot of pressure to keep it on! Actually, I’d be okay with it. Maybe I am not as athletic as some of my friends. Talent only takes you so far and then it becomes all about hard work and whatever I put my mind to.
Perfectionism and Inadequacy
Not good enough—three powerful and crippling words. Teen girls everywhere are feeling the “not good enough” epidemic, and it comes in many forms: not pretty enough, not smart enough, not popular enough, not sexy or skinny enough, not racialized enough, not rich or poor enough, not “normal” enough. The categories may take different forms but the memo is loud and clear when it comes to her identity formation: “You are just not enough.” The obsession with achievement and perfection is pervasive in our society—through advertising and online images, celebrity status, and even peer status—and this destroys a teen girl’s sense of selfhood. In Enough As She Is, Rachel Simmons writes about the damage of perfectionism in this way: “It costs girls their courage, curbing their ability to figure out who they are and what really matters most to them, exactly at the moment when this developmental task must be undertaken.”8
Feelings of inadequacy are pushing your teen daughter to be “better,” often beyond her own limits; they are also preventing her from honouring her unique identity. No surprise, then, that the more girls try to be “good enough,” the less worthy they feel and the more perfect they try to be—a vicious cycle.
All day, every day, girls see “perfect” in the carefully curated images on their social media feeds; they decide they need to be perfect too, believing this is their ticket to feeling happy, successful, and included. They strive for perfection: to be the perfect friend, to earn perfect grades, to attain the perfect look. And when they fail to reach these unrealistic ideals, they conclude there is something wrong with them—instead of realizing there is something wrong with the unhealthy societal standards that set them up in the first place. Unfortunately, a teen’s perceived failure will convince her to try harder, to be even more perfect. This cycle never ends because it is fuelled by deeply rooted seeds of “not good enough.” There is a direct correlation between the choice to be anything—or, for some girls, everything—and low self-worth. Perfectionism is an easy tool to grab to control the burden of inadequacy.
The cycle is damaging and destructive. You’ll see her push and punish herself, trying so hard yet never feeling satisfied, and showing not a hint of kindness or self-compassion. Many girls I work with are perfectionists, and we often start by deconstructing perfection. I want to give every girl a T-shirt that declares Perfect, just as I am or Good enough, as is. I often ask, “If perfect wasn’t an option, who would you be?” They pause and then come back with words like “free” or “happy.” Free to practise and progress, free to make mistakes, free to feel good as they take steps toward improvement, and free to be brave and take risks. Happy, just as she is. Once girls “get” that letting go of perfect may be a healthy option—an option that will also relieve them of enormous stress and strain—they come to an amazing realization: they can still achieve, but from a place of “I am enough” and self-confidence rather than from a place of “I need to prove I am enough.”
You can’t prevent your teen girl from absorbing cultural messages that encourage her to be “more” or perfect. You can, however, be
