punish herself, perhaps depriving herself of nutrition, exercising in the extreme, or using harsh, self-deprecating criticism. Often, she’ll use the weight scale to measure her self-worth and social currency. Starving for self-love and acceptance, she may wish she were taller, thinner, and more beautiful, with clearer skin, whiter teeth, and curlier hair. Eventually she will disconnect from herself.
I had been working with Naomi for almost a year when she blurted out, “My boobs are too big.” Caught off guard by the randomness of this comment, I asked her to tell me more. Naomi explained that when she was fitted for a new bra the week prior (Mom had vetoed her sports bra preference), the lady helping her figure out the proper size told her she was “small everywhere, except in your bust.” Naomi was mortified. She decided right then and there her boobs were too big and she hated them. She asked me how she could lose weight to shrink her boobs.
I had to tread lightly for a few reasons, as you will have to as well when it comes to growing girls wanting to change their bodies. First, she will be super-sensitive when talking about these issues. Second, her body is still changing, and interrupting the natural process is not advisable. Third, and most importantly, her body is not the problem; the real problem is her perception of her body. What helped Naomi, over the course of our next four sessions, was a shift in focus: from body hating to finding ways to feel good about her whole self.
If your daughter comes to you and expresses a desire to change her body, empathize with her: “This is tough for you and I completely understand.” Then segue from talking about changing her body to changing her habits, and away from losing weight toward gaining a positive relationship with her body. Let her know that there is always something she can do to feel better about herself as she is.
ASHA
A lot of my friends are super-skinny, not that they can control it, but they always say they look anorexic or how they don’t have boobs and butts. This makes me feel so frustrated because I’d kill to have their bodies. I have never tried to change my body, but sometimes I’ll trace imaginary lines on my body and pretend to cut the fat off like a plastic surgeon.
I think I just need to not be so obsessed with what I look like. I probably need more of my own self-confidence and fewer negative thoughts. I probably need less social media too. When you look at any Instagram “model,” you notice how they are all skinny, all muscle, and so beautiful. I think girls compare themselves to other girls and then they obsess over wanting to look like so-and-so. This makes them obsess over what they look like instead of who they are as a person. I probably am the one person who has influenced my relationship with my body—I have a negative influence on my body. My mom always tells me I’m beautiful.
Body Image and the Family Dynamic
Like identity, body image is formed over time and with the feedback of others. For a teen girl, body image can be a positive, accurate, and healthy view. In this scenario, she accepts her shape, size, and body parts, wears clothes that flatter her figure, and feels relaxed and confident as she moves. But body image can also be negative, distorted, and unhealthy. In this scenario, a teen girl is dissatisfied with how she looks and fixated on the body parts she hates. She wears clothes that neither fit nor flatter her unique shape, and looks and feels uncomfortable in her own skin.
While girls worry about how they look, parents worry about how girls feel about their looks. One mom told me, “I think she has a level head on her now, but I worry with middle school that she will start to feel the pressure to look a certain way. I try to keep her focused on what she loves rather than buying into the notion that at this age you have to dress and act a specific way. We worry about her being teased because she doesn’t fit the standard mould.”
Even though cultural and media messages influence your teen girl powerfully, the messages that come from within the family are just as powerful, perhaps more so. I believe parents have an enormous opportunity to positively shape how girls see themselves, despite exponential exposure to media and advertisements. In this section, I want to have a direct conversation with “Mom” and “Dad” about the ways in which you can affect how your teen girl looks at herself through her individual relationship to her body.
Please know that I am using “Mom” and “Dad” loosely here to refer to different types of influence in a teen girl’s life. The roles and responsibilities of parents are shifting from traditional and stereotypical to be much more fluid, expansive, and inclusive. At the same time, though, one parent is often the primary caregiver in the family—meaning their role is more hands-on than a parent who is less involved in the day to day. Here, I will look at the role of each parent separately, with a focus on how teen girls are affected. Regardless of family configuration (single-parent or blended, same-sex or hetero, traditional or non-traditional), your teen daughter benefits from different parenting styles and support. If you think she may need another positive figure in her life, by all means bring one in. You might consider a mentor, a family friend, a member of the neighbourhood, or someone in your faith community. This trusted individual should be someone who can provide her with a different perspective and a different kind of relationship than the one you are cultivating with her. Think of it this way: no one parent (or person) can fulfill all her needs. Thus, a more healthy and balanced approach is to widen her support circle. Add new and interesting people who will see her differently, have varied conversations with her, and have a novel connection to her.
The Mom Effect
Moms often ask me, “How do I teach my daughter to have a positive body image and compete with the unrealistic images she sees daily on her social media feeds and in advertisements?” The answer is to provide ample messages of your own that are healthier and more realistic as you encourage her toward body appreciation.
Start with you: Change begins first with how you speak about your own body and other women. By paying attention to what you do today, you can alter the trajectory of your teen’s relationship with her body for the rest of her life. Complaining that you “look old and tired” or making a comment like “I can’t believe she’s wearing leggings out in public” is damaging. Your daughter hears you, and she will instantly reflect on her own look and clothing choice. Be patient. It may take some time for you to become more aware of your relationship with your body.
If you spend time looking in the mirror and critiquing your body, she will learn to copy you. If you push food around on your plate, pretending to eat, she’ll push her food around too. If you overeat or undereat to deal with uncomfortable feelings like frustration, sadness, or rejection, she’ll add this “coping” tool to her own toolkit. If you limit the types of foods you eat, talk about dieting, or are obsessive with fitness and exercise, guess what? She will follow your lead. By contrast, if you eat a well-balanced diet, focus on fitness, and emphasize feeling good about your body by actively practising self-care, she will learn that this is the path to follow.
Stand strong: I know this is a big ask, especially if you struggle with your own body image, but begin by nurturing her body confidence, which is all about how she stands: tall, head up and chin out, shoulders back, looking strong and poised. At first, this may feel foreign to her, but research on body language and high-power poses by social psychologist Amy Cuddy shows us that how we stand influences body chemistry—lowering cortisol (the stress hormone) and raising testosterone (the dominance hormone). Standing strong can translate into feeling strong. As Cuddy explains, standing like a superhero for only two minutes can create the belief that “I can do anything” and empower girls to feel assertive and brave enough to take risks. “Fake it ’til you become it.”4 Stand with her; practise together. Feel good about your bodies together.
Focus on feeling over appearance: It is all too easy to
