More than one youngest has reported “getting off easy” in the family because all the pressure went on the older children and the youngest slipped through without much friction.
Since oldest children spend more years in the exclusive presence of their parents, they spend more time observing and imitating their behavior. They are consequently the children most likely to be similar to their parents. If the parents are nurturing and warm, they will be like that; if the parents are aggressive and harsh, they will be like that. When their parents are old or dead, the oldest sibling is usually the one that takes on the parents’ role of organizing holiday get-togethers, or handling family crises, or running the family business.
Oldest children often end up as guardians of the status quo. They begin by defending their own position in the family against later children, go on to preserving the family traditions and morality for their younger siblings, and may end up trying to protect the status quo in the world. Oldest children have fond memories of the past when they were the only. They do not have good feelings about change. In reaction to that situation, they may become so rigid that they are unwilling to accept any change and unable to compromise.
The closer contact with their parents gives oldests better verbal skills and more exposure to abstract thinking than their younger siblings. As a result, oldests usually adapt better to the learning techniques of school. May Stewart studied 7,000 London school children and found that the older children in two-child families were generally better students than the younger children and stayed in school longer. This higher rate of school “success” was true even though overall there was no difference in IQ between the oldest child and youngest child in the families.
Oldests usually have more privileges than the younger siblings, but also are expected to and do assume more and more responsibility as they grow up. An oldest girl usually has the same responsibilities as an oldest boy — sometimes even more — but not the same privileges.
As adults, oldest children usually have many parental qualities; they can be nurturing and protective of others and they are often able to handle responsibility well and assume leadership roles. More than half the presidents of the United States have been oldest male children, and 21 of the first 23 American astronauts were oldest or only children. The world is often ruled by oldests, which reflects both the liabilities and the advantages of that position. World War II, for example, was conducted by oldest sons Churchill, Hitler, Mussolini, and Hirohito along with only children Roosevelt and Stalin.
This sense of responsibility can also be a burden. Oldest children may turn into perfectionists and worriers, who dare not make mistakes or disappoint their parents (or other authority figures). Stutterers are often oldest children who are so fearful of saying something wrong that they can’t say it at all. Oldest children tend to have trouble accepting mistakes by others, too. They are the most likely of the children to internalize their parents’ expectations about being good. They conform to what is expected of them and tend to think in terms of what they and others “should” do. They may be trying so hard to achieve and be good in school, for instance, that they neglect to make friends. And, since they soon realize that nothing is ever perfect, many oldests tend to be pessimistic about the world in general and their life in particular.
Jimmy Carter, whose father set “seemingly impossible standards of performance” for him, became a lifelong perfectionist who could never openly rebel against his father’s harsh discipline, the Navy’s hazings, or Congressional disloyalty, according to biographers Bruce Mazlish and Edwin Diamond. His younger sister says that, “no matter how well Jimmy did, Daddy always said he could do better. Daddy always wanted Jimmy to go straight to the top.”
Youngest brother Billy, however, openly admits to not having Jimmy’s drive or his need to succeed. “It does not bother me to lose a softball game; it drives him crazy....I enjoy life.”
Oldests also tend to be compulsive to the degree that they can’t walk through a room without straightening the picture frames and can’t throw away a tin can without washing it first. A large percentage of people diagnosed as obsessive-compulsives are oldest children.
The emphasis on high achievement tends to make oldest children more tense, more serious, more reserved, and less playful than others. They usually work hard and are conscientious at whatever they do. They have learned to associate fun and play with the immaturity of their youngest siblings. Superachiever Meryl Streep has been called one of the most intelligent and perceptive actresses in Hollywood. The oldest sister of two brothers, she “looked like a mini-adult” as a child and had a “bossy streak.” One of her brothers referred to her as “pretty ghastly.”
If the standard of achievement in a particular family is measured by success in crime, the oldest will be a high achiever in that. The oldest may become the “godfather” or a gang leader.
The important thing for oldests is to have the admiration and respect of others. If it doesn’t come naturally, they may seek a position of authority in order to demand respect. They often appear to be arrogant when they are actually seeking reassurance.
Because failure seems so devastating to oldests, they find it difficult to accept even constructive criticism or to admit it when they are wrong. Oldests are often overfunctioners, which means that they take on responsibility for other people’s lives and problems as well as their own. They try to solve other people’s problems even though they don’t have the power to make their own solution work in someone else’s life. Other people often see these attempts to help as bossiness or intrusiveness, even when the intentions are good.
Oldests often have trouble turning down requests and over-commit themselves rather than disappoint someone. Some oldests feel they have to do it all and meet the needs of work, family, community, and church. Many an oldest child is the pillar of a community and the cornerstone of a church or other volunteer organization. They can’t say no, and they can’t understand why others don’t have the same dedication that they do. They will take on responsibilities and do work that really belongs to someone else. They often resent how much they have to do and how little time they have for themselves, but they aren’t able to stop. If anything goes, it is usually their relationships, which get sacrificed to the higher goal of achievement and success.
This tendency to over-commit may arise from their concern to take care of others. Some oldests are so concerned about being nurturing and pleasing others that they seem to be compliant. They allow themselves to be overworked in the same way they were overparented and are often pushed to their limits. They feel responsible for everything and think that if they don’t take care of it, it will fall apart.
Alternatively, they may be seeking recognition through trying to accomplish more than others do. They can be so goal-oriented and driven to succeed that they sacrifice themselves, their family, and their employees in order to be the best, the biggest, the richest, or even the most giving and sacrificial.
They don’t easily ask for help. They have trouble trusting in the ability of others, and even if they are able to delegate work, they aren’t able to delegate their anxiety about the work being done right. After all, their younger siblings could never do anything as well as they could.
Pierre was the oldest of six brothers and sisters and he was strongly encouraged by his father, also an oldest, to become like him — a demanding, directive, take-charge person. Pierre’s mother was often unable to function as a parent due to her serious depression. She was frequently hospitalized and absent from the family for long periods. Pierre was often the person who ran the household during these times. He became caring and helpful as well as a take-charge decision maker who organized his younger siblings to do the household chores. The more pressure he felt due to his mother’s absence and his father’s demands, the more organized and directive he became.
Later, he married
