talking with his new wife about child-raising philosophies, only child Jorgi said he never wanted to be the kind of father his father (a youngest) was. He provided little guidance or nurture for Jorgi. However, after they had children, Jorgi found he had little tolerance for the children’s constant demands. Though he felt loving toward them, he did not know how to behave with them and found himself avoiding them much as his father avoided him.
Those who have siblings of both sexes are more likely than others to be influenced by the sibling position of the same-sex parent, particularly if that parent’s position is the same as one of the positions of the child. For example, if you are a youngest brother of brothers and sisters and your father is a youngest brother of sisters, you will probably have more of the traits of a youngest brother of sisters than of brothers.
If you and your same-sex parent are the same birth order, you are likely to have more of the characteristics of that birth order as described here than if your parent is a different birth order.
Stewart was the middle of three boys as was his father. His personality was much like his father’s, and he had the same kind of uneasy relationship with his older brother that his father had with his older brother. Stewart’s mother often said to him, “You’re more like your father than he is.” Because Stewart saw the problems that his father and uncle had in the business they ran together, Stewart refused to go into business with his older brother, but they still had the same battles as the older generation brothers had. In later years, Stewart and his father became drinking buddies and commiserated with each other about the unfairness of life.
Only children, with no siblings to react to, tend to develop more of the characteristics of their same-sex parent than do other children. The only girl child whose mother is an oldest is likely to be more serious and more academic than an only girl whose mother is a youngest and is more playful and flighty.
b. Being Aware of Birth Order
Until recently, there has been little general discussion of the effects of birth order on personality. However, we have probably always been intuitively aware of them. One of the best places to see evidence of this is in the many biographies and autobiographies that unintentionally provide almost clinically accurate descriptions of people according to their birth order.
One of the most striking examples of this can be seen in the writing of historian Ariel Durant. Her descriptions of her siblings in her autobiography, Will and Ariel Durant: A Dual Autobiography reveal their birth order characteristics very clearly. She wrote that her oldest brother, 13-year-old Maurice, was a “good” and “hard-working” boy who had his own newsstand. He “bore the labor of the day without a word of complaint....”
The next oldest, a sister, “became head of the family and served as little mother, watching over us with a fear-full [sic] love,” while the parents and Maurice were at work.
Sarah, who was two years older than Ariel, “seemed eons apart.” Ariel commented that she never realized until Sarah nursed her how loyal and affectionate Sarah could be.
Ariel described herself as “open, brash, loud, simple, and talkative.” Following Ariel was the “frisky” Mary, “blessed with a pretty face.” Michael, the youngest, was “cheerful through whatever trials,” and as an adult the “joy” of Ariel’s old age.
4
Older And Wiser: Oldest Children In General
Some people do not make good children. They should spring upon the world fully grown, preferably with a gin and tonic in hand, and conversation in full swing....
Margaret Morley, Larger than Life — A Biography of Robert Morley
People in the birth order of oldest children are probably among the most over-studied sibling groups in the world. Researchers have shown great interest in oldest children for many years, and there is general agreement among them about the characteristics that are common to most oldest children. However, the majority of the studies have used oldest males as subjects, and they haven’t taken into account the differences in sex of the oldest or of the following siblings. They have generalized from male oldests to all oldests.
But the sex of the oldest and the sex and number of siblings who follow the oldest play a crucial role in the final personality development, as the following two chapters on oldest brothers and oldest sisters illustrate.
a. General Characteristics
From ancient times, the oldest child has had a special significance in the family — and in the world. This special significance has meant everything from inheriting the kingdom to being offered as a sacrifice in religious rites, which is a good metaphor for the mixed blessings of the oldest.
The oldest child — the first child — is like a first love. The relationship between the first child and parents can never be duplicated. It is replete with the awe and wonder of having brought into the world this little being, the focus of the parents’ dreams and hopes. Even if later children become more favored by the parents, the relationship is usually not as intense as with the first child.
For the first few years, oldest children receive the full, undiluted force of their parents’ love, fears, and expectations. The parents are usually very excited about the birth of the first child (unless it came too early in the marriage or was the cause of a “shot-gun wedding”) and look forward to it with eager anticipation mingled with fear.
Even before the birth, the first pregnancy elicits more excitement and more anxiety than later pregnancies. Prospective first parents usually worry at a minimum about the health of the mother and fetus, what to expect during delivery, whether the baby will be whole and normal at birth. And these concerns are not unfounded. The first is usually the most difficult labor, averaging 14 hours compared to 8 hours for later births, and there are more difficulties with delivery and more abnormalities in newborn firsts.
After the birth, the new parents worry about what kind of parents they will be and whether their child will develop normally.
The parents pay close attention to everything that happens with the first baby — the first smile, the first word, the first step are all exclaimed over, celebrated, and recorded in the baby book. Everything is special and wondrous. This feeling about the oldest child’s accomplishments can go on for life, through first graduations, marriage, birth of grandchildren, and so on. Later-born children are taken for granted more, and each successive child usually receives less attention and praise for these routine accomplishments.
Parents are more likely to see their first child as a reflection of themselves so they push the oldest to excel. Oldests usually do walk and talk earlier and are toilet trained sooner than later children in the family.
An oldest boy often has the additional burden of being his father’s alter ego even to the point of being given the same name and being expected to follow in father’s footsteps whether his feet fit them or not.
But the first child is also the grand experiment. The parents don’t really know what they’re doing. As one playwright said, “Children ought to be like waffles; you throw away the first one.” The parents want desperately to do well with the first one, but their lack of experience makes them more anxious and tense about their parenting, and this is communicated to the child. The parents are often overprotective and too indulgent
