Till one can see the “family” in oneself, one can see neither oneself or any other family clearly.
R. D. Laing, Self and Others
The characteristics described in the following chapters of this book seem to be generally representative of average middle-class North Americans and Europeans of each sex in each of the birth order positions. Few people exhibit all the characteristics of their sex and birth order position, but most people will recognize at least some aspect of themselves in these descriptions. Where there is great variation from the expected characteristics, it is often because of other more powerful influences in the family that have interrupted in some way the usual patterns of development (see chapter 15 for more information about factors that create exceptions to the rule).
However, the descriptions should come close to reflecting your basic personality and approach to life. The one thing that is absolutely certain is that if you were born in a different order and of a different sex, you would have characteristics very different from those you now have.
a. Circumstances of Birth
All other things being equal, birth order traits develop on the basis of five circumstances of birth:
(a) The order of birth, whether first child, second child, last child, etc.
(b) The sex of the child
(c) The number of years between the births of siblings
(d) The sex of the siblings
(e) To a lesser degree, the birth order of the parents, particularly the same-sex parent
All the major birth order positions for each sex are described here. An almost infinite number of other variations exists, depending on the number of siblings, their sex, and their relative ages. However, all the sibling positions are some combination of those presented here. By doing some mixing and matching, you can figure out the description for your own particular birth order.
1. Order of birth
The major divisions discussed here are oldest, youngest, and middle children, only children, and twins. General descriptions are given first for each of these ordinal positions, and then each position is discussed according to sex.
The characteristics of middle children are the most difficult to pin down and require the most interpretation in reading the descriptions. For example, if you are a middle child, you should begin by reading the general chapter on middle children. Then, if you are the middle brother of brothers, you should read the description of the oldest brother of brothers plus the one for the youngest brother of brothers because you will share some characteristics with each of them.
The special characteristics of twins are described in the chapter on twins, but twins are also either oldests, youngests, or middle siblings in relation to the rest of the family so you should read whichever of those chapters is relevant as well.
2. Sex
Sex counts — not so much because of biology as because of sociology. Girls and boys are treated differently in our society by everyone from the delivery nurse to grade school teachers and employers. While oldest girls and boys have many things in common, they are also different in many ways because of their sex and the gender characteristics that they pick up from the society around them. So, for example, if you are an oldest female, you should look at the chapter on oldests in general and then the chapter on oldest sisters.
3. Number of years between siblings
The smaller the age difference between siblings, the more influence they usually have on each other. A middle child who is closer in age to the oldest child usually develops more youngest child characteristics than oldest child characteristics in relation to the youngest child. However, if that middle child became the primary caretaker of the younger sibling, and spent a great deal of time with him or her, then the middle child would have more characteristics of an oldest.
If there are more than five or six years between siblings, each will have many of the characteristics of an only child in addition to the characteristics of his or her own birth order. For example, Alfred Hitchcock was the youngest in his family but he followed his sister by seven years, so he developed many attributes of an only child. He was alone often and “more given to observation than participation,” says biographer John Russell Taylor. “He invented for himself games with ship routes...planning imaginary journeys, always by himself, for he recalls no playmate to share his childish enthusiasms.” Similarly, the oldest sister of a brother seven years younger is most like an only child (which she was for seven years), but also has some of the traits of an oldest sister of brothers.
When there are large age gaps between groups of siblings, sub-groups will form, with those in each sub-group developing the characteristics of the position they occupy within that group. For example, in a family where there are three female children, then a gap of six years followed by two males two years apart, the oldest male will usually be more like an oldest brother of brothers than like a younger brother of sisters. The greater the age gap is, the more this is true. However, the characteristics of an oldest of a sub-group are seldom as pronounced as those of the true oldest child in that family.
4. Sex of the siblings
The way you relate to your siblings depends not only on your sex, but theirs too. For instance, there is usually more jealousy between two brothers than between a brother and a sister. The chapters on oldest sisters and oldest brothers and youngest sisters and youngest brothers are subdivided further according to the sex of the siblings. So, if you are an oldest brother of brothers, you should read that section as well as the general chapter on oldests. If you have both younger brothers and sisters, you will have some characteristics of an oldest brother of brothers and some of an oldest brother of sisters, so you should read both those sections as well as the section on oldest brothers of brothers and sisters.
Usually the sibling closest in age to you will have the most impact on you, so if you are an oldest sister followed by a brother, then a sister, you will probably be closer in personality to the oldest sister of brothers than to the oldest sister of sisters, though you will have some characteristics of that position as well. However, if your brother, at age six, was sent to boarding school, then you probably developed more characteristics of an oldest sister of sisters.
It also makes a difference when all the siblings are the same sex. For instance, one study of 25 highly successful business women found that all of them were either oldests or onlies, and that none of the oldests had brothers. This indicates that when there are no boys, the parents’ ambitions are focused on the oldest female. However, in families where a boy is born later, it is not at all unusual for this oldest female to be supplanted.
5. Birth order of the same-sex parent
Because most children emulate to some degree their same-sex parent, that parent’s birth order is also a factor. Even if you consciously try as an adult not to be like your same-sex parent (the “I’ll never treat my kids like that” syndrome), some of those characteristics will be embedded in your personality. It’s easier to ferret them out when you know what your same-sex parent’s birth order is and what traits are commonly
