your oldest to decide how much he or she wants to help with the younger children; don’t force the oldest to babysit. Don’t expect your oldest to grow up too quickly; let the child be a child and childishly playful. If you don’t like something about your oldest child’s behavior, check your own; there may be a similar pattern.
After siblings have arrived, continue to spend time alone with your oldest child to help him or her feel important as an individual rather than just as a helper.
Oldest children, even as adults, respond well to pleasant surprises. Because they usually plan ahead and work so hard at preparing things, they often can’t enjoy themselves when, say, they are finally on vacation. But a surprise excursion planned by someone else for them can make them feel cared for.
g. To The Adult Oldest Child
In general, you would do well to find ways to relax more, lower your standards for yourself and others, and get more fun out of life. The song “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” was written for you. You need to allow yourself to be happy. You can also try expressing your need for love more directly rather than taking care of others to win their love. That is a roundabout way of doing it, and others may not understand that you have needs too. The oldest sister in the movie Hannah and Her Sisters did everything for everybody until she learned that she wasn’t really earning their love that way. She found out that her husband didn’t think she needed him at all. By doing less, she saved her marriage and her relationships with friends and family.
Your parents are no longer watching your every move and are not the all-powerful discipliners they may have been. If you make a mistake, it won’t be the end of the world. Some of the people around you may even appreciate that evidence of your humanity. You are good enough as you are.
Be realistic about what you can accomplish in the time available. Be willing to ask for the help and support of others when you need it. And remember that no one has ever looked back over their lives to say, “I wish I had spent more time at the office” or “more time cleaning house.”
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