birth position.
On the other hand, if you have felt especially close to a sibling, you may unconsciously have some fears about incestuous relationships and thus look for someone who is nothing like the favored sibling. Again, you may end up disappointed by the reality of living with someone whose birth position is in conflict with your own instead of similar to what you knew at home.
For most people, of course, it is too late to look for a spouse of complementary birth order. The choice has been made. If it is one of the theoretically “poorer” matches, it doesn’t mean there is no hope; it simply means you have to work harder to overcome that particular handicap. Being aware of this potential source of friction in a non-complementary relationship can make the problems more manageable.
It is useful to know that something as simple as birth order can account for major conflicts in a relationship and that neither person is to “blame.” It is just that the differences between you are more challenging than most to live with. Once you understand, for example, that an oldest brother of brothers and an oldest sister of sisters married to each other are bound to have conflicts over who is in charge, you can stop blaming each other and accept the fact that it is a difficult combination. You may, perhaps, even learn to laugh at your conflicts as you catch yourselves acting like a typical oldest sister of sisters or oldest brother of brothers.
b. Your Friends
Friendships are also affected by birth order. The friends you get along well with are likely to be in a complementary birth position. Non-complementary birth positions may partly explain any tension that exists in a friendship. Differences of opinion that may appear to be the result of rational thinking may simply reflect early family experiences.
Annette and Sue were neighbors, and they enjoyed each other’s company, shared the same interest in local politics, and had children the same age. However, they often had strong disagreements about a variety of issues, especially the subject of men in general and their own spouses in particular. Sue always defended the actions of men, made excuses for her husband’s poor treatment of her, and was critical of feminists. Annette thought Sue’s husband treated her intolerably and couldn’t understand why Sue put up with him. It was no surprise to learn that Sue was the oldest sister of a brother (and therefore used to taking care of men and making excuses for their childish behavior) and Annette was an only child (and most interested in her own and other women’s rights).
If you take note of the kind of relationship you have with various friends and then find out their birth order, you may find that your best friends all have the same birth order. While you may have much in common with people in your same birth order, over the long haul you will probably feel most comfortable with friends from a complementary birth order, especially one that matches that of a favorite sibling.
Manny, an only child, found that he was usually most uncomfortable with friends, male or female, who were oldests. He couldn’t tolerate being with people who wanted to be in charge or who thought they knew best. However, he was also leery of youngests who expected him to be in charge or take care of them. He enjoyed “playing” with the youngests, and liked it when they looked up to him, but would disappear as soon as they indicated he should do something to make life better for them. “Do it yourself” was his attitude. As with many only children, he was his own best friend.
c. Your Parents
Your parents, of course, are the most powerful influence in your life. They shape your world, as theirs was shaped by their parents. Their influence is diluted only by the fact that they are so much older than you, which is why your siblings and your sex and birth order become so important.
But your parents and the way they were treated as children, their own birth order, and the way they treat each other still have a tremendous impact on your personality development.
1. The effect of birth order — theirs and yours
Your parents’ birth orders may partly explain why they treated you as they did. Birth order affects the kind of parent a person tends to be. People in the different birth order positions have different skills and shortcomings as parents.
Larry had always felt neglected by his parents and frustrated by the daily chaos in his home. Then he learned that his parents were both the babies in their families. When he realized what that usually means in terms of parenting skills — since a youngest rarely has any experience taking care of others — he was more understanding about their difficulty in nurturing or disciplining him, and more appreciative of the spontaneous fun he had with each of them. He also understood why they each always expected the other to take responsibility and neither of them would. Finding out that their apparent neglect had little to do with him as a person or his parents’ love for him helped Larry develop a much more rewarding relationship with them in their old age.
Birth order also explains why parents may treat each of their children differently. Their own birth order can affect what they think of — and therefore how they raise — each of their children. They may react to you the way they reacted to their own siblings in the same birth order position. They may be trying to avoid the past or to duplicate it.
Bernie was an oldest brother of a brother. He had spent most of his life taking care of and rescuing his brother who was an alcoholic. When Bernie had three children of his own (girl, boy, girl), his son replaced his brother as a focus of concern. The experience with his brother made Bernie anxious over the simplest problems his son encountered and prompted Bernie to play his familiar role of rescuing the younger male. The son reacted to dad’s rescuing behavior by taking less and less responsibility for himself. Eventually, he too became an alcoholic and died of an alcohol overdose at the age of 36. Bernie did not “make” his son into an alcoholic — another son in a similar situation might have reacted differently, but Bernie’s sibling experience had set him up for a repeat performance.
The way you relate to your parents can also be affected by a complementary or non-complementary birth order. If your birth order is complementary to one or both of your parents (you are in the same position as a sibling of theirs), you may have a more comfortable fit between you. For example, if you are the youngest brother of brothers and your father is the oldest brother of brothers, you may have a close, or at least easy, relationship with your father because you will have some of the same traits as his familiar younger brother. However, if you are the oldest sister of sisters, your oldest-brother-of-brothers father may find it more difficult to relate to you (and you to him), as both your sex and your birth position will be in conflict with him.
If your parent had a difficult time with his or her siblings, your complementary position could be a disadvantage for you. If you are the oldest sister of sisters and your mother was a youngest sister of sisters, she may not relate well to your serious side or your need for high achievement. If she perceives you as being domineering like her older sister was, she may empathize with your younger sister and take her side in any disputes.
Parents who have the same birth order as a child of theirs often understand that child better than the others, but may have more conflicts as they clash head-on in assuming that particular role in the family.
Ed was an oldest who worked hard at impressing his father with his accomplishments. Dad was an oldest, too, and was proud of his son, but found it difficult to spend much time with him. They often argued about the best way to do something. Dad was often disappointed in Ed’s younger brother Mickey, but spent more time playing ball with him than he had with Ed. Ed’s mother, a youngest, was less impressed with Ed’s accomplishments and wished he had a better social life, but she felt more comfortable with him than with Mickey.
Knowing
