back as if she had slapped him, hard. “Lucy, you’re wrong. Way wrong. I swore never to carry the emotional needs of others ever again after my father died. I promised myself I’d never completely open up to my patients or anyone else again and then you came along. I want to be here for you. You’re making a choice to be miserable. Your sister loves you. I care for you, and you won’t accept either.”
She raised her chin “You think Alexis is going to love me after I tell her how I feel?”
“I do. She showed how much she cares just by coming all this way to see you. I saw it when her eyes lit up when she opened the door. She’s concerned for how you are doing. That’s a plus in your life. Don’t throw it away. Sometimes we just have to do some hard things because we love someone. Some really difficult things. Talk to her. Work through this.”
“That’s right, Mr. Bottle-Up-All-Your-Feelings wants me to bare my soul to my sister and hurt her more.”
Ryan stalked toward her stepping into her personal space. “What do you want me to bare? That my father was the strongest man I’ve ever known and that I watched him slowly disappear? That I sat by his bed every minute I wasn’t at school or working? That I saw fear in his eyes that I knew had to match mine? That I became responsible for my sisters during the worst time in our lives? Is that what you want me to share? Is that enough sharing for you? Enough to let you know I care deeply? That I do care about you?”
“Ryan, I just can’t do this now. I don’t know what to think.”
Shaking his head, he looked at her. “You’re a bright, sensitive, caring person, Lucy. Don’t push Alexis away. And don’t push me away.”
“My sister was the one steady thing in my life. How can I feel this way towards her?”
Ryan sat on the bed beside her and put an arm around her shoulders. “I want to be the constant person in your life now. I know this isn’t the perfect time, heck, it’s probably the worst time in the history of mankind to tell you I love you. But there it is. I do. I’m here for you.”
Her heart raced. She stared at him in disbelief. How could he? She was a mess. She didn’t even love herself right now. “Please don’t.” She moved away from him and knew she’d regret it for the rest of her life but she had to.
He took her hand. “I understand you better than you think. I know how tough caring can be. What it’s like to wish the person you love more than anyone else in the world would die quickly for their sake while at the same time wanting to hang onto them for as long as you can. I know what it is like to wish for something you can’t have. Lucy, I’m offering you something you can have.”
“No, Ryan, I can’t let you love me.”
He let go of her hand and stared down at her as if defeated. His beautiful blue eyes held shadows that she’d put there. “You don’t get a choice in that,” he said slowly.
She crossed her arms over her chest. “You don’t get it. I don’t know how to love. To really love. I’ve failed my sister. I’m failing you now. How can you love this messed-up, screwed-up me?” He just looked at her with a mixture of astonishment and sadness in his eyes. She studied his face, wanting with all her heart to give him what he asked for. But she couldn’t.
He leaned over and kissed her cheek. “Goodbye, Lucy.”
His kisses the night before had been all fire and passion, but the simple caress of his lips on her cheek held a devastating finality that filled her with a grief bone deep.
* * *
Apart from when Ryan had followed his father’s casket down the aisle of the church, walking down the stairs and away from Lucy was the longest journey of Ryan’s existence. For once in his life he’d opened his heart to someone and she’d shoved it back at him.
Lucy wasn’t who he’d thought she was. He wanted the woman who’d shown such spunk when he’d made her mad. The one who’d had the fortitude to carry a child for her sister, the strength to move away from everything she knew to one of the largest cities in the world and to share her pain with him. Why couldn’t he make her see that she had what it took to talk to her sister?
He pushed the door to his condo open. Dumping his wallet and keys on the bar in the kitchen, he climbed the stairs to his room. He stopped in the doorway and looked at the bed.
That morning Lucy had insisted, “We can’t leave it undone. I make my bed every morning.”
“And I have a housekeeper who comes in twice a week.”
When she started shaking out the sheet, he’d taken the other side to help.
As he’d tucked a corner she’d said, “Hey, you can’t just wad that up and put it under there.” She circled the bed, reaching down to pull the material out.
“Don’t tell me how I’m supposed to make a bed,” he’d said, sounding as indignant as possible before he’d grabbed her and rolled her onto the bed. She’d giggled. He’d shared her mirth. He hadn’t laughed so freely since before his father had become sick. Had almost forgotten how good it felt to be alive. Happily alive.
He’d kissed her and that was all it had taken. They’d not taken time to remove their clothes and she hadn’t seemed to mind. In fact, his desperate need for her had seemed to fuel her own. She’d crawled on top and had taken over their lovemaking.
That’s what it had been. Him loving her. He’d not recognized it then but it was clear now. So much so that it hurt to look at the bed, to remember. His body ached from the mere thought of her.
Walking to the dark brown chair that faced the window, he plopped down, put his legs across the matching footstool and crossed his ankles. The lights of the city had lost some of their luster. Scooting his butt forward, he braced his head against the back of the chair and closed his eyes. He wouldn’t be sleeping in his bed tonight.
* * *
Lucy curled under her sheets still fully clothed and pulled her legs to her chest, becoming a ball. She buried her head in a pillow and let the tears flow. It had been horrible when she’d left Alexis and Emily behind and moved to New York. But nothing compared to giving up Ryan.
She’d hurt him. He’d said he loved her and she’d thrown it back in his face. She was unworthy of his love. She missed Ryan’s arms being around her, his strong, calming presence. It had taken him no time to become embedded in her life.
She’d slept next to Ryan for only one night but she already missed his warm body pressed against hers. What did he see in her? She was a mess. Here she was supposed to be helping others and she couldn’t even handle her own life.
How had her world spun so out of control? How could she ever face him at work again? Maybe she should speak to Mr. Matherson and see if she could be reassigned to another neurosurgeon. No, she couldn’t do that. It might damage Ryan’s career if she did. She couldn’t hurt him like that. She’d just have to endure and be the professional she was known to be. But could she stand the pain of seeing him daily?
“THE PATIENT’S DOING as expected,” Ryan informed the assembly around him in the hallway
